The Ugly Truth
Author: Jeff Kinney
Date: 2010-11-09 00:00:00+00:00
Description: "Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Ugly Truth" is the massively funny fifth title in the highly-illustrated, bestselling and award-winning "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" series by Jeff Kinney. Perfect for both boys and girls of 8+, reluctant readers and all the millions of devoted Wimpy Kid fans out there. You can also discover Greg on the big screen in any one of the three "Wimpy Kid Movie" box office smashes. The massively funny fifth book in the bestselling and award-winning "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" series. Greg Heffley has always been in a hurry to grow up. But is getting older really all it's cracked up to
Publisher: Recorded Books, Inc.
Rights: 2010

I’m very excited that you’re holding the Kindle edition of
Diary of a Wimpy Kid in your hands.

When I read my first e-book on a Kindle, I was amazed at
the possibilities. Carrying a whole library around with me on a
device I could fit in the palm of my hand? Amazing.

What’s been very rewarding to me as an author has been
seeing kids carrying their dog-eared copies of Diary of a
Wimpy Kid with them. The Kindle allows kids to have the
whole series at their fingertips, and the reading experience
is crisp and clean every time . . . with no chance of today's
breakfast staining the pages.

Thank you for purchasing Diary of a Wimpy Kid on your
Kindle. I hope it gives you lots of laughs and you have as
much fun reading it as I did writing it.

Jeff Kinney

September

Thursday

It’s been almost two and a half weeks since me
and my ex-best friend, Rowley Jefferson, had our
big fight. To be honest with you, I thought he
would’ve come crawling back to me by now, but for
some reason, that hasn’t happened.

I’m actually starting to get a little concerned,
because school starts back up in a few days, and
if we’re gonna get this friendship back on track,
something needs to happen quick. If me and Rowley
really ARE through, that would stink, because
the two of us had a pretty good thing going.

Can I take a
(pant, pant)
rest break?

It’s only,
like, three
more blocks!

Now that our friendship is history, I’m in the
market for a new best friend. The problem is, I
invested all my time in Rowley, and I don’t have
anyone lined up to take his place.

The two best options I have at this point are
Christopher Brownfield and Tyson Sanders. But
each of those guys has his own issues.

I hung out with Christopher for the last few
weeks of the summer, mostly because he’s a really
excellent mosquito magnet. But Christopher is more
of a summertime friend than a school-year friend.

Christopher
Tyson
Ouch!
Swat
2

Tyson is nice enough, and we like the same video
games. But he pulls his pants all the way down
when he uses the urinal, and I don’t know if I
can ever get past that.

The only other kid my age who’s not paired up
with someone is Fregley, but I ruled him out as
best friend material a long time ago.

Hey there,
Greg!

I’ll bet I can fit
your whole foot
in my mouth!

3

Anyway, I’m still keeping the door open a crack
for Rowley, just in case. But if he wants to save
this friendship, he’d better do something fast.

Because the way things stand, he’s not gonna
come out looking very good in my autobiography.

CHAPTER 8

CHILDHOOD

I used to live near this kid. I think his
name was Rupert or Roger or something.

GREG
HEFFLEY
a life

4

Saturday

With my luck, though, I’ll go on to be rich and
famous and Rowley will still find a way to ride
my coattails.

The reason I don’t see things changing between
me and Rowley is because he’s already found himself
a replacement friend. Or to be more accurate, his
parents did.

For the past few weeks Rowley’s been hanging out
with this teenager named Brian.

I Used to Be Friends with
GREG HEFFLEY
by Rowley Jefferson
5

Whenever I go by Rowley’s house, he’s out in his
front yard throwing a football or a Frisbee with a
guy who looks like he’s in high school or college.

Well, I did some poking around and found out
that this Brian guy isn’t just some normal kid
from the neighborhood. He’s part of a company
called “Cool Brian,” which is sort of like a big-
brother-for-hire kind of thing.

In fact, I’d be willing to bet money this guy’s
name isn’t even really Brian.

6

Mom said she thinks the Cool Brian thing is a
great idea because it gives kids a “role model”
they can look up to. That makes me kind of mad
because, the way I see it, I’M Rowley’s role model.

And now Rowley’s parents are paying some guy to
do what I’ve been doing all these years for FREE.

Cool brian

Wholesome
mentors for
growing boys

Hee hee
hee!

Gaaaah!
Trip
7

The thing that really burns me is that Rowley
probably doesn’t even know his parents are paying
this guy to spend time with him. And I don’t think
it would bother Rowley if he DID know the truth.

Today I saw Rowley hanging out with a different
Cool Brian, so Rowley’s regular guy must’ve had the
day off. But I could tell Rowley didn’t even notice.

Today was the first day of school. I don’t want
to jinx things, but it’s looking like this could be a
great year for me.

Tuesday

8

In homeroom we got our textbooks for the
semester. My school can’t afford to get new books
every year, so we usually get hand-me-downs.

But when you get a book that ten kids had
before you, it makes it kind of hard to do any
actual learning.

Usually, I have really bad luck when it comes to
previous book owners. Last year I got a math
book that had belonged to Bryan Goot.

9

And that didn’t exactly up my “cool” factor in
the hallways.

But this year I totally lucked out. When I got
my math book, I found out it used to belong to
Jordan Jury. Jordan Jury is the most popular kid
in the grade above me, so carrying his textbook
around should translate into some MAJOR
popularity points.

Hey, you
got my
book!

10

One reason Jordan is so popular is because he
always has these big blowout parties, and it’s
really hard to get invited. But I figure this
Algebra book could be just the thing I need to
get on his radar.

Speaking of popular kids, I sat near Bryce
Anderson and his group of friends at lunch today.
Bryce is basically the Jordan Jury of my grade,
and he’s got a bunch of cronies who are always
going along with everything he says.

Hey, what’s
that high-
pitched noise?

Yeah, I
hear it
too!

Ow!
ow!

11

And those guys are loyal to Bryce no matter how
dumb he makes them look.

See, Bryce Anderson has the right idea. He
doesn’t actually NEED a best friend, because
he’s got a bunch of lackeys who basically worship
him. The reason me and Rowley didn’t make it is
because we were equal partners in our friendship,
and I don’t think that kind of model has a
chance of working out.

At school today I heard Rowley tell some kid he
was going to a rock concert tonight. I admit I
was a little jealous, since I’ve never been to a real
concert myself. But when I found out who was
performing, I was glad I wasn’t invited.

Friday

I’m just kidding.
there’s no high-
pitched noise.

12

Still, it kind of irks me that Rowley is having more
fun than I am. In fact, it seems like EVERYONE
is having more fun than me these days.

There are some kids in my grade who post their
pictures online.

Joshie
scream!
13

And from the looks of things, they’re all having a
WAY better time than I am.

I don’t want people thinking MY life is lame,
so I decided to take some pictures to show how
great things are going for me.

All you really need is a digital camera and a
photo-editing program and you can make it look
like you’re having a total blast.

14

Tonight I was right in the middle of creating
a wild New Year’s Eve party scene when I got
busted by Mom.

15

Oh well. Mom won’t let me post photos on the
computer anyway, because of “privacy” and all
that. Or maybe it’s because she learned her lesson
after letting my older brother, Rodrick, post
HIS pictures.

Rodrick’s been trying to get a job so he can buy a
new drum set, but nobody will hire him. Mom told
him that nowadays employers look up the people
they’re thinking of hiring and that his pictures
are probably hurting his chances.

16

So Rodrick replaced his band pictures with this one—

This year everyone in my grade has to take
Advanced Health, which covers some top-secret
stuff that I guess they didn’t think we were
ready for until now.

In the first few classes, the boys and girls were
mixed together, but today Nurse Powell said she
was gonna split us up. She sent the girls down to
Mrs. Gordon’s room and then she put in a video
for us boys to watch.

Wednesday

17

From what I could tell, the video was at least
thirty years old, so I’m sure Dad watched the
same exact tape when he was my age.

I’m not gonna describe everything that they
showed in the video, because it was actually pretty
disgusting. If you ask me, some of that stuff
doesn’t really belong in a classroom.

Rowley didn’t even make it through the whole
video. He passed out at the two-minute mark when
they said the word “perspiration.”

Say Hello to the
Brand-new you!

(Boys’ Edition)

18

To be honest with you, I don’t know if Rowley’s
ready for this stuff. He’s basically like a little kid. He
told me once that he avoids the older kids at school
because he’s afraid he’s gonna “catch puberty.”

In fact, now that I think about it, I haven’t
seen Cool Brian for a while. So I wonder if
Rowley’s avoiding him, too, because he thinks
he’s contagious.

Boys

19

The same kind of thing happened in last year’s
Health class when they did a smoking unit. The
teacher said that you never know who’s going to
offer you a cigarette, and that it could even be
your best friend.

Well, after Rowley heard THAT, he wouldn’t even
walk on the same side of the street as me for a
solid MONTH.

No!

Shiver
shiver

20

Believe me, I don’t need some teacher to tell ME
it’s not cool to smoke. My grandfather convinced
me of that last year on Thanksgiving.

Anyway, I think Rowley’s just one of those
kids who are always gonna be a few years behind
everyone else maturity-wise. Rowley doesn’t even
know how to tie his shoes yet, because he’s the
kind of person who has Velcro everything.

Rrrip

21

Last year Rowley’s mom bought him sneakers with
laces, and I can’t even tell you how many times I
had to bail him out.

I guess it probably should’ve been a warning sign
that my best friend was impressed that I knew
how to tie my own shoes.

Today I was reading the comics in the newspaper,
and I saw an ad that caught my attention.

It was for Peachy Breeze Ice Cream, and
apparently they’re looking for a new spokesperson.

Thursday

22

Peachy Breeze has those commercials on TV that
run nonstop, with that kid with the freckles and
the high-pitched voice.

Peachy
breeze is
peachy
keen!

Could your child
be the next

Peachy breeze
kid?

Open tryouts at the Liberty
Street Mall this Saturday!

23

The Peachy Breeze Kid used to be kind of cute, but
over the years he’s gotten a little seedy-looking.

So I guess they’re looking for someone to take
his place.

Well, I’d be PERFECT for the role. First of
all, I LOVE ice cream, so it wouldn’t be hard for
me to do the acting part. Second, I would be
willing to miss a lot of school to fulfill my Peachy
Breeze obligations.

And they wouldn’t have to worry about me
getting too old for the part, because I’d take
whatever I needed to take to stop growing.

Peachy
breeze is
peachy
keen!

24

The only stumbling block I can see is that Dad
HATES the Peachy Breeze TV ads because he
thinks the kid is annoying. So I don’t think he’d
be too thrilled if I became their new spokesperson.

Hope you
have a good
day at work!

Groan.

Peachy
breeze is
peachy keen!

25

There’s just something about that kid that gets
on Dad’s nerves. In fact, I think he hates the
Peachy Breeze Kid even more than he hates Li'l
Cutie, which is saying something.

Every time Dad sees a Peachy Breeze commercial on
TV, he writes the Peachy Breeze people an angry
letter saying that the ads drive him crazy and he’ll
never buy any of their products.

A few weeks later, Dad gets a response in the
mail from Peachy Breeze, and it’s always the same
thing: coupons for free ice cream.

Type
Type
Type

26

It’s been going on like this for years, and if
something doesn’t change, we’re gonna have to get
an extra freezer to hold all of our Peachy Breeze
ice cream.

I told Mom about the Peachy Breeze Kid contest
last night, and she said it seemed like an “exciting
opportunity.” But it turns out she was thinking of
my little brother, Manny, when she said that.

In fact, this morning Mom and Manny were
ready to take off for the audition without me,
but I caught them just in time.

Saturday

Wait
up!

27

Mom seemed surprised that I wanted to be
the Peachy Breeze Kid and said I might be
“too old” for the part. At first I thought
that was ridiculous, but when I saw my
competition at the mall, I could kind of see
where she was coming from.

I figured I could charm the judges and get the
job anyway. Plus, I had an edge, because I was
the only kid trying out who could read a cue card.

There must’ve been two hundred kids in line, and
I realized that if I wanted the job, I was
gonna have to come up with some sort of gimmick.
So I decided I’d jump up and click my heels
together when I said the Peachy Breeze slogan.

Tryouts

28

But when it was finally my turn to go, things
didn’t work out the way I’d planned.

I knew my chances of getting the part weren’t
good when the casting people sent me out the
door without even asking my name.

Peachy breeze
is peachy—
oops!

Click

Plop

Can I go
again?

Next!

29

My opportunity was slipping away, so I did what I
could to improve my odds.

But it looks like the job is gonna go to a younger
kid after all, which really stinks.

You know, this isn’t the first time I’ve been
discriminated against because of my age, either.
Last October me and Rowley heard that our local
news station was going to be at the Red Apple
Farm to shoot footage of kids carving pumpkins
and making scarecrows and stuff like that.

I’m pretty sure
the next kid in
line is allergic
to peaches.

Exit

30

We knew this was our big chance to be on TV, so
we plopped ourselves in front of the news camera
and really hammed it up.

But it took about five seconds for the news people
to kick us out.

Whee!

Yay!

Hey, get those
creepy kids
out of there!

31

Then they brought in some little kids to take our
place, and they did the same EXACT thing me
and Rowley were doing.

And sure enough, those kids were on the news
that night.

The truth is, this kind of thing has been going
on for a long time. And where it’s worst is in my
own family.

Up until I was eight or nine, I was the star
of every family gathering. It seemed like nobody
could get enough of me.

I love it!
Ha Ha!

32

But after Manny was born, things really changed
for me.

See, when you’re a little kid, nobody ever warns
you that you’ve got an expiration date. One day
you’re hot stuff and the next day you’re a dirt
sandwich.

I’m a little
teapot
short and
stout…

It’s a boy!

Here is my
handle and
here is my
spout!

Oh,
grow
up!

33

I guess I can understand why Rodrick’s always
so grumpy. It’s been a long time since he was
the center of attention, and believe me, he’s not
getting any cuter.

The person who’s lucky is ROWLEY. He’s an only
child, so at least he doesn’t have to worry about
being replaced by the next kid to come along.

Stop
slouching!

chips

Just tip me
over and
pour me
out!

Yay!

Hurray,
rowley!

34

Tonight at dinner Dad told us that his younger
brother, Uncle Gary, got engaged to his
girlfriend, Sonja. I guess that’s great news and
all, but Uncle Gary has been married three times
before, so this has kind of become a regular thing
in our family. In fact, we don’t even use growth
charts at home, because we can just look at
pictures from Uncle Gary’s weddings to keep track
of our progress.

Monday

35

So I think everyone’s a little burned out by
now. When Uncle Gary got married the THIRD
time, Mom didn’t even bother to replace the
picture of his second wedding on the mantel. She
just taped a photo of the new wife’s head on
top of the old one.

Uncle Gary’s not a bad guy or anything. He just
rushes into these relationships too quickly. He got
engaged to his first wife, Linda, two months after
they met, and she didn’t even find out what he did
for a living until their wedding day.

36

And I heard Uncle Gary’s second wife, Charlene,
thought he had a lot of money because of a
miscommunication on their second date.

It turns out Uncle Gary only had forty-five
dollars, not forty-five THOUSAND dollars.

Sorry I’m late…the
kids at the party
wouldn’t let me leave!

I’ve got about
thirty thousand
in the bank…
maybe forty.

And I’ve got
forty-five!

37

But Charlene didn’t find that out until it was time
to pay the band at the wedding.

Dad’s always saying Uncle Gary needs to “grow
up” and stop acting like a child. But if I were
Dad, I wouldn’t hold my breath.

Did you
happen to
bring your
checkbook?

Yaaah-
hooo!

38

I found out that Uncle Gary’s wedding is gonna
be in November, and the reception will be at my
great grandmother Gammie’s house, like last time.

Gammie is ninety-five years old, but she still lives
in the big house where she grew up. She’s like the
official head of the whole Heffley family.

Gammie is one of the only people in the world who
still writes letters. And when she writes you a
letter, she expects you to write one BACK.

Tuesday
Heffley family reunion
(Gammie)
39

I’ve tried to explain to Gammie that people my
age don’t know how to write letters with a stamp
and a “return address” and all that stuff, but
she doesn’t wanna hear it.

At Uncle Gary’s last wedding, Gammie handed me
a starter letter plus an envelope with her address
and a stamp on it so I wouldn’t have any excuse
not to write.

G. Heffley
12 surrey street

Gammie heffley
38 Bacon street
East

Dear Gammie,
Love,
Gregory
40

But I STILL haven’t filled it in and mailed it
yet. So now every time I walk past my desk in my
bedroom, I feel guilty.

Gammie is ALWAYS making you feel guilty. Last
year at Thanksgiving, I put a whoopee cushion
on her chair, and she sat on it.

Oh!

Hee hee
hee!

Flbrt!

41

A few days later everyone in the whole family got
a handwritten apology letter from Gammie.

Dear Family,

I am writing to apologize for the unfortunate
incident that occured shortly after our family
conculded “grace” at our Thanksgiving celebration.
As I have gotten older, I have found it more
difficult to control my body, and I’m afraid
my recent surgery may have contributed to my
little “slip.”

I hope that this unfortunate mishap does
not become the lasting impression of what
was otherwise a glorious and blessed occassion.

Love,
Gammie
42

Sometimes I wonder if Gammie is just messing with
everyone and does this kind of thing on purpose.
Last Easter she invited the whole family to her
house, but everyone had their own thing going on,
and nobody went.

Gammie called Dad on Easter Sunday and said
she’d bought a scratch ticket and won the ten-
million-dollar grand prize. Word got around the
family quick, and everyone was at Gammie’s house in
no time flat.

But it turned out the scratch ticket wasn’t a
winner after all.

You have to match
three of the fruits
to win, gammie.

I see.

43

Gammie didn’t seem too bothered that she wasn’t a
multimillionaire after all, and I have a feeling she
got what she REALLY wanted anyway.

I hope I live to be ninety-five years old, because
if I do, I guarantee you I’ll be messing with
people, too.

I made a ham in
case anyone
stopped by!

Your underwear
goes underneath
your clothes, dad!

Eh?

44

What makes me kind of nervous about going to
Gammie’s house in November is that it’s time for
me to get “the Talk.” Every time someone in my
family gets to be about my age, Gammie sits them
down and talks to them about who-knows-what. I
guess it’s one of those elder-wisdom kinds of things.

The last person to get “the Talk” from Gammie
was Rodrick, and now I’m next in line. I’m
hoping Uncle Gary breaks off his engagement so
we don’t have to go down there, because the whole
thing is making me a nervous wreck.

We’ve got a new math teacher at our school named
Mrs. Mackelroy.

Thursday

45

She used to teach kindergarten, and I don’t
think she’s real crazy about middle school kids.

We have math right after Phys Ed, so by the
time we get to Mrs. Mackelroy’s room, everyone’s
all sweaty from exercising.

Mrs. Mackelroy complained to the principal and
said she can’t teach when it smells like a “monkey
house” in the room, so the principal said that from
now on us kids have to take showers after gym.

Well, I can tell you that most of the boys in my
class were not on board with that decision.

46

The only person who was OK with it was Roger
Townsend, but he was held back twice and he’s
practically a man anyway.

So the rest of us decided we were gonna have
to fake it. After Phys Ed was over yesterday,
we all took turns getting our hair wet so it
LOOKED like we showered.

47

I don’t know if we really fooled Mrs. Mackelroy,
but I don’t think she’s ever gonna go into the
boys’ locker room and investigate.

This showering situation reminds me of something
that happened over the summer, when me and
Rowley were still friends. I used to go up to
Rowley’s house just about every day, but the
problem was that I had to walk past Fregley’s
house each time.

I remembered Rodrick saying that a person could
make it all the way from our house to the top of
the hill by crawling through the drainage pipe.

48

I decided to see if he was right, and believe it
or not, he was. It was pretty dark and nasty
in that drainage pipe, but it was totally worth
crawling through it to avoid Fregley.

When I headed back home, I went through the
drainage pipe again.

49

But I probably should’ve hosed off in the front
yard or something, because Mom seemed suspicious
when I walked through the front door.

I knew Mom would have a fit if she found out I
crawled through the drainage pipe, so I didn’t
say anything. But Mom told me I was gonna
have to take a shower before dinner. When I
got out of the bathroom, there was something
sitting on my bed.

Sniff
sniff

I opened it up and found a stick of deodorant
and a book.

What the Heck
Just Happened to

MY BODY?

by Darlene
Wade, Ph.D.

I put the deodorant on my dresser, but I tossed
the book in the trash. I’d seen that one before.
Mom must’ve gotten the same book for Rodrick
when he was my age, and I found it in his junk
drawer. And believe me, I do not need to see the
pictures in that book a second time.

51

And what’s worse is that Mom made me the
subject of her parenting column in our local paper
that week. She didn’t use my actual name, but I
don’t think it would’ve taken a detective to figure
out who she was talking about.

Puberty can be a
difficult time

Susan
Heffley

When a child begins to experience
the changes that come with
adolescence, the transformation can
be uncomfortable, awkward, or
even frightening. But given the
right guidance, a child can learn to
welcome, and even celebrate, the
transition into adulthood. My
second-born son recently began his
wondrous journey into his new
Sunday

Tonight Mom called a “house meeting.” And
whenever she does that, it’s never good. The last
time we had a house meeting, it was so she could
complain about the situation in the bathroom.

52

She said she was tired of having to clean the floor
around the toilet because of our “lousy aim.”

I knew exactly what she was talking about, too.
One time I actually missed the bus because I used
the bathroom after Manny.

greg, you’re
gonna miss
the bus!

i think i’m
stuck to
the floor!

All I can say is, I’m not the one causing the
problem. When Rodrick uses the bathroom, half
the time he doesn’t even turn on the light.

Mom said the new rule was that us boys were
gonna have to sit down every time we used the
bathroom, no matter what.

53

But none of us guys liked THAT idea. Rodrick
suggested we just buy a couple of urinals, since
there are more of US than there are of HER.
Plus, that way, more than one person could go at
the same time.

But Mom said that would be “tacky,” and she used
her veto power to shut his idea down.

I thought tonight’s house meeting was gonna be
a follow-up to the bathroom meeting, since nobody
was following the sitting-down rule and things
are worse than ever. But this meeting was about
something completely different.

54

Mom told us that she was going back to school
and that she was gonna start taking classes a
few times a week.

Well, I was totally caught off guard by this
news. Mom’s ALWAYS there when I get home
from school, and that’s the way I like it.

here
you go!

dump

But Mom said that after all these years of
staying at home with us kids, she needs to do
something that stimulates her mind. So she said
she’s gonna take classes for a semester and see
how it goes.

55

I guess I can understand why Mom would want
to branch out, because if I did the kinds of
things she does every day, I’d probably be going
bananas, too.

Mom said us men are gonna have to make our own
dinners a few nights a week and start doing
chores that she usually takes care of herself.

Mommy & Me
DANCE CLASS

One of those chores is making lunches, and to be
honest with you, I’m pretty happy that one is
getting turned over to us.

56

Mom writes a note on our lunch bags every day,
and I can definitely live without THAT.

Wednesday

OK, so the first few nights with Mom away have
been a disaster. We tried making dinner on our
own on Monday, but none of us knew what we
were doing.

Dear Gregory-
Have a healthy,
happy day!
Love,
Mom

Manny was in charge of making the iced tea,
but it was undrinkable since he stirred it with his
bare hands.

stir
stir

57

Rodrick was in charge of cooking the roast beef,
but he forgot to take the plastic wrap off before
putting it in the oven.

why is this
meat shiny?

So we bagged the homemade meal idea and went out
to eat. When we left the restaurant, Rodrick spit
his gum at some moths that were flying around, and
he hit Dad by accident.

spit

58

Dad chased Rodrick around the parking lot, but
Rodrick is actually pretty fast, and Dad couldn’t
catch him. Then Dad tripped over a curb and
twisted his ankle.

trip

So Rodrick had to drive Dad to the emergency
room. When the doctor asked Dad how he hurt
his ankle, Dad said he wasn’t looking where he was
going and he stepped on one of Manny’s trucks in
the driveway.

59

I can kind of understand why Dad didn’t want
to tell the truth. One time I broke my wrist,
and I told everyone I broke it in a fistfight.
What REALLY happened was that I tried to
stand up after my legs fell asleep from sitting on
the toilet too long. But I liked my version better.

wuuuh?

So it’s only been a few days without Mom, and
things are already starting to fall apart. We’ve
got one serious injury so far, and who knows
what’s in store down the road.

Thursday

We brought back leftovers from the Spaghetti
Barn, and that’s what we had for dinner
tonight. Dad had to stay late at work, so he
called Rodrick and told him to warm up everyone’s
spaghetti in the microwave.

60

Rodrick gave me my plate first, and when he did,
he said—
careful, it’s
very hot!

smack
smack

I blew on my spaghetti for a while to cool it
down. But what I didn’t know was that Rodrick
never actually heated my spaghetti in the
microwave—he just pretended to.

So when I bit into a meatball, it was ice cold.

ptoo!

After that experience, I doubt I’ll ever be able
to eat leftovers again.

61

And the bagged lunch thing isn’t working out,
either. This week Rodrick was in charge of making
lunches, and he wrote a note on my bag, just like
Mom does.

Dear Greg,
Make sure
to change
your diaper
after lunch.
Love,
Mommy

I didn’t even bother eating the sandwich, since
I’ve never seen Rodrick wash his hands even once.

toss

62

My chore for the week is laundry, and I can’t
wait until my shift is over. For the record, I
think it should be illegal for a boy to have to fold
his mother’s underwear.

Friday

One of the big changes with Mom going to school
is that now Dad’s in charge of helping me with my
homework. No offense to Dad, but Mom is WAY
better at homework help than he is. When Mom
helps me do my homework, she basically gives me all
the answers, and I’m in and out in ten minutes.

the capital of
russia rhymes
with “noscow”.

m- m- m-
boscow?

moscow!

63

It’s a whole different story with Dad. He wants
to teach me HOW to do the work, and that’s a
lot more time-consuming. Plus, it’s been a long time
since Dad was in school, so I have to sit there
and wait while he reads my textbooks and gets
caught up.

hmmm…

But math is the worst. I guess the way they
teach math these days is totally different from
the way they taught it when Dad was a kid, so
he gets frustrated with the new rules and starts
trying to teach me the way he learned it.

no, no, no…you
need to add the
numbers in this
column and
carry the four.

what does
“carry”
mean?

64

Dad also licks his finger and his thumb to make
it easier for him to turn the pages. And when he
does that, I try and keep track of which pages
he turns so I don’t touch his spit.

But with all those numbers in my head, it doesn’t
leave a lot of room for math facts.

28…29…
32…35…
37…

I can tell when I’ve done something wrong,
because Dad gets kind of frustrated with me
and breathes real heavy out of his nose. So I’ve
learned to put a dish towel on my arm whenever
we’re working on Algebra.

lick

65

By the time it’s over, two hours have gone by and
it’s time for me to go to bed. All I can say is,
I hope Mom wraps up her classes pretty quick,
because I’m a person who really needs his TV time
at night.

Monday

This math thing is becoming a problem. We have
“standardized testing” coming up at my school,
and I heard that the teachers won’t get their
bonuses unless we get good scores. So there’s a
lot of pressure on us kids, which kind of stinks.
I remember back in kindergarten, math used to
be really FUN.

one chocolate chip
cookie plus another
chocolate chip
cookie is…

two! two
chocolate
chip cookies!!!

66

Mrs. Mackelroy says that if we don’t do well on the
test, we’ll lose our budget and music class will turn
into detention, or something like that. But I don’t
think kids are really getting the message. A few
weeks ago we had a math quiz, and Mrs. Mackelroy
said it was “open notebook,” which meant we could
use our notes and textbooks to help us out.

Then she left the classroom to take care of
something, and the second she stepped out the
door, it was total chaos.

biff
tear
shake
shake
rip!

Practically everybody failed the quiz because people
were using their notebook paper and books as
ammunition.

67

So, based on that episode, I don’t think Mrs.
Mackelroy had better make any big plans for how
she’s gonna spend her bonus.

October

Tuesday

Tonight Dad walked up to me while I was sitting
on the couch, and he seemed bent out of shape
about something. He wanted to know why I
didn’t bring out the recycling bin this morning like
he asked me to.

I told him he must be confused, because he never
said anything to me about the recycling. But he
said he asked me to do it last night while I was
playing video games, and to be honest with you,
that did seem a little familiar.

68

If I DID forget, it wasn’t my fault. I actually
have a really GREAT system for remembering
things.

You know how some people leave notes for
themselves when they need to remember
something? Well, I think that’s a lot of work,
and it’s a waste of paper, too.

So let’s say I’m in bed and Mom walks into my
room and tells me I have to bring a permission slip
to school in the morning. I don’t get out of bed
and write a note.

69

I just throw one of my pillows across the room.

Then, when I wake up in the morning and go to
walk out the door, I see the pillow and think,
“Hey, what’s this pillow doing here?”

toss

70

Then I remember, “Oh yeah, I have to bring a
permission slip to school.” See what I mean? It’s
totally foolproof.

Now that I think of it, I DID leave myself
a reminder to take out the recycling. I
SPECIFICALLY remember putting my socks on
the TV before I went to bed, to remind myself
in the morning.

And if Dad did something to mess up my system,
he’s only got himself to blame.

But Dad wouldn’t let it go. He said now that
I’m getting older, I need to start being
more “responsible.”

71

I’ve heard this sort of thing from Dad before.
The last few weeks of the summer, our neighbor,
Ms. Grove, hired me to take care of her plants
while she was on a business trip. Well, I did it for
the first few days, and then I guess you could
say I got busy with other things.

When Dad asked me how the plants were doing,
I realized I hadn’t been over there in at least
a WEEK. I went to grab Ms. Grove’s key so I
could water her plants, but the key wasn’t in its
usual spot.

I practically turned our house upside down looking
for that key, but I couldn’t find it.

72

It turns out the reason I couldn’t find the key
was because it wasn’t in our house. I’d left it at
Ms. Grove’s, and she found it when she got back
from her trip.

Ms. Grove was pretty mad that her key was
in the front door, but the way I see it, she
should’ve been happy nobody robbed her house.

She was mad about her plants, too, because
unfortunately most of them didn’t make it. I
suggested that maybe she should buy a cactus or
another plant that doesn’t need a lot of water
to survive.

73

That way, everything would be fine if I lost her
key the NEXT time she went on a business trip.

But Ms. Grove said she wouldn’t hire me again even
if her life depended on it. Then she sent me home
without paying, which stinks, because I really did
spend a lot of time looking for that key.

Anyway, I think that episode is still fresh in
Dad’s mind, and that’s why I’m hearing this
“responsibility” thing again.

Hopefully, Dad will leave my socks on the
television next time around and things won’t get
to this point.

74

Thursday

Well, Dad is really serious about me taking on more
responsibility. And the first thing he wants me to
do is start waking myself up in the morning.

That’s actually a real problem, because I depend
on HIM to wake me up.

hup hup hup.
let’s go,
let’s go!

zzzzz
clap
clap
clap

That’s the way we’ve been doing it for YEARS,
and I really don’t see any reason to change
things now.

Dad said that if I don’t learn to wake myself up
with an alarm clock, then I’m not gonna know
how to do it when I go off to college.

75

But I always figured that would be the way me
and Dad would stay in touch.

zzz
hello?

hup hup hup.
let’s go,
let’s go!

Yesterday was the first day I tried to wake
myself up, and it didn’t work out so well. My alarm
went off and all, but the sound just worked its
way into my dream.

meep!
meep!
meep!

cut it
out!

meep!
meep!
meep!

76

And today didn’t go any better. I set my alarm
to “radio” and tuned it to a classical music station
because I didn’t want to hear that annoying beep
first thing in the morning. But the music didn’t
wake me up, either.

The problem is, without an actual human being
waking me up, my brain is always gonna find some
excuse to keep sleeping. But I think I might’ve
figured out a solution to this alarm clock situation.
I found one of those old-style windup clocks in
the storage room today, and those clocks make a
huge racket when they go off.

77

I tested it out to see if it still worked, and sure
enough, it did.

riiinnng

I don’t think ANYONE could sleep through a
noise like THAT. The only problem is that the
clock doesn’t have a “snooze” bar, so I’m worried
I’ll shut it off and fall back asleep.

So tonight I hid the clock under my bed. This
way, when the alarm goes off, I’ll have to get up
to find the clock, and then I’ll be up for the day.

Friday

It turns out the new alarm clock caused some
new problems.

78

With that windup clock ticking under my bed, I
felt like I was sleeping on top of a bomb that
was about to go off. So the stress kept me awake
half the night.

tick tick
tick tick

I sleepwalked through my day at school, which
was fine until we had an assembly. We were lined
up to go into the auditorium, and I was leaning
against the wall.

But I must’ve fallen asleep for half a second,
because my hand slipped and I accidentally set off
the fire alarm.

79

The whole school had to evacuate, and three
minutes later there were a bunch of fire trucks
out front.

After they found out there was no fire, they let
everyone back into the school. The principal got
on the loudspeaker and said that whoever set off
the alarm was gonna be suspended and that they
should turn themselves in.

80

I don’t know much, but what I DO know is
that you shouldn’t announce what the punishment
is gonna be BEFORE you ask people to turn
themselves in. So I decided it would be smart to
keep quiet and let this all blow over.

After third period, a rumor started going around
school that the fire alarm squirts out invisible
liquid when you pull the handle, and that the
teachers had some sort of special X-ray wand
they could use to see the liquid on somebody’s
hand. So it was only a matter of time before they
found the culprit.

Then everyone started wondering if it was the
TEACHERS who started the rumor and it was
just a trick to see which kid would go to the
bathroom first to wash his hands.

81

So that got everyone really paranoid.

boys

Then nobody would go to the bathroom, and
everyone who actually needed to go decided to just
hold it until the end of the day.

tap
tap
tap

The principal eventually had to shut the school
down early because nobody was washing their hands
and we’re right in the middle of flu season.

82

Mom was off at the library studying, so I had to
call Dad at work and ask him to come pick me up
from school early. And he didn’t seem too happy
about it.

But if he didn’t make me wake myself up, none of
this would’ve even happened.

Wednesday

They’re starting a new unit in our Health class
called “The Facts of Life,” and apparently it
covers all the stuff they’ve been dancing around
for the past couple of months. They sent
permission slips home, and if you don’t get yours
signed, you’re not allowed to even be in the
classroom for the rest of the semester.

83

I really don’t like this permission slip thing. Mom
only lets me watch G-rated movies, so I know
there’s no way she’ll let me be in the class.

To get around that problem, I typed up a fake
note and taped it on top of the actual permission
slip.

I give my child permission
to do extra homework.

Signature of parent/guardian

Luckily, Mom didn’t look at the paper too closely,
and I got the signature I needed.

now that was
an easy decision!

84

I’m actually glad they’re doing this “Facts of
Life” unit, because I have a lot of questions about
this stuff, and I don’t have a reliable way of
getting answers.

Just about everything I know in this department
comes from Albert Sandy, and I’m starting to
wonder if he’s been feeding me bad information.
Like last week, he told everyone at the lunch table
that it’s medically impossible for a girl to fart.

Well, I know that’s not true because of the time
Mom hugged Aunt Dorothy on Christmas Eve.

toot!

85

Anyway, today was the first day of the “Facts
of Life” unit, and sure enough, Nurse Powell
sent the kids whose parents wouldn’t sign their
permission slips down to the library to be “special
helpers” for the day.

The rest of us were pretty excited, because we
couldn’t wait to hear all the juicy stuff Nurse
Powell was about to tell us.

But it didn’t go the way I expected at ALL.
Nurse Powell put some charts up on the easel and
started talking about “zygotes” and “chromosomes”
and a whole bunch of other scientific nonsense.

86

rna
dna
xx xy

I kept waiting for her to tell us this was all a
big joke and then get to the good stuff, but
it never happened. So I’m guessing the school is
just trying to confuse us to make us lose interest.

Anyway, if the school IS trying to confuse us,
they’re doing a pretty good job. At lunch we
tried to explain what we learned in the “Facts
of Life” unit to the kids who didn’t get their
permission slips signed, and we couldn’t agree on a
single thing.

no, no,
no!

87

Saturday

Another thing Dad’s in charge of now that Mom’s
back in school is taking us kids to our dentist
appointments.

Most kids don’t like going to the dentist, but I
actually look FORWARD to it. I’ve been going
to the same dentist since I was two years old,
and they are totally my type of operation.

Tender Hugs

Pediatric Dental Care

We cater to
cowards!

Tall Pines
Shopping Mall

Peanut

But the main reason I like going to the dentist
is because I am TOTALLY in love with the
hygienist who works there, Rachel.

88

Rachel always lectures me about brushing and
flossing and all that, but she’s so cute that it’s
hard to take her seriously.

Mom’s always getting after me about flossing, too.
She says that if I don’t take better care of my
teeth, I’m gonna end up with dentures before I
go to college.

your gums are in
very bad shape.
you’re going to
need to floss
every day from
now on.

ok. hee
hee hee!

I’ve been thinking about that, and maybe false
teeth wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

89

If I had dentures, I could have someone ELSE
take care of my teeth, and I could spend the
extra time doing something I actually enjoy.

The only problem with being in love with your
hygienist is that you only get to see her every six
months when you get your teeth cleaned. So I
have to make the most of every visit.

I’m gonna need
these back by
breakfast.

The last time I had an appointment, I looked
Rachel in the eye the whole time she cleaned my
teeth so she could see I was definitely interested.

Plop

90

This morning I actually went out and bought
some cologne to make an extra-good impression on
her. So when Dad told me to get in the car, I
was ready.

But Dad drove right past my dentist’s office and
got on the highway. I told him that he had
missed the turn and that Tender Hugs Dental
Care was back the other way.

91

But Dad said I’m “too old” to keep going to a
kids’ dentist, so starting today he was switching
me over to his dentist, Dr. Kagan.

I got a chill up my spine when he said that name.
I’ve seen Dr. Kagan’s billboards on the highway,
and I get the impression he has a totally
different approach than Tender Hugs.

DR. SALAZAR KAGAN
oral surgery
and general dentistry
ROOT CANALS
ABSCESS DRAINAGE
BONE GRAFTING

“Because bad oral health is nothing to smile about.”

I tried to get Dad to change his mind, but he
said he already did the paperwork to switch me over
and there was no turning back. I thought about
making a run for it, but Dad must’ve known what
I was thinking, because he locked the car doors.

92

Dr. Kagan’s office was even scarier than I
pictured it. He didn’t have any coloring books or
toys or the kinds of things they have in the
Tender Hugs waiting room.

Dr. Kagan was waiting for me in his office, and
all his sharp metal instruments and drills were
right out in the open for me to see when I
walked in.

jiggle
jiggle
jiggle
you’d better
hope you
flossed
gum disease
it’s probably
already too late
open wide
shudder
shudder

93

So I could tell this guy wasn’t fooling around.

After I sat down in the chair, Dr. Kagan
started grilling me about my eating and drinking
habits. He actually got MAD when I told him
I drink soda, and he went in the side room and
brought out a jar filled with brown liquid that had
a rotten tooth in it.

94

He told me this is what happened to a real tooth
when it was left in a jar of soda for twenty-four
hours. I told Dr. Kagan I would make sure I
never left my teeth in a jar of soda overnight.
I’m pretty sure he thought I was being
sarcastic, but I was just trying to show him I
was paying attention.

Then he cleaned my teeth. I started to panic,
because if there’s one person you don’t want to
be mad at you, it’s the guy who’s got metal tools
poking around in your mouth.

At one point, Dr. Kagan started doing X-rays.
He put a piece of plastic between my teeth and
told me to bite down. Then he took an X-ray and
got the next piece of plastic ready.

95

After two or three X-rays, I started to get the
hang of it, and so when Dr. Kagan did my molars,
I bit down on the plastic before he even told me
to. At least I THOUGHT it was the plastic. It
turns out it was actually Dr. Kagan’s finger.

aiiiieeee!

chomp

Well, if he was mad before, it was NOTHING
compared to this.

Dr. Kagan told me to go out to the waiting room
while he worked on my “diagnosis.” I was pretty
sure he was gonna come back and tell Dad I
needed to get a root canal or something so he
could get even with me.

96

But Dr. Kagan actually did something even
WORSE. He told Dad I needed to take “major
corrective measures” for my overbite, and he gave
Dad this pamphlet—

Your Child
Needs

HEADGEAR

Dr. Kagan said I would need to wear my
headgear at all times, especially during the day
when I’m at school. So obviously he’s trying to
ruin my social life.

97

Monday

When I woke up this morning, I couldn’t find my
headgear where I left it, so I had to go to school
without it. Not that I’m complaining or anything.

In Health class Nurse Powell told us we were
going to be starting a new unit about parenting.
She said that being a mother or a father is a big
responsibility and that in this unit we were gonna
learn that taking care of a baby is no piece of cake.

Then she took out a carton of eggs. She said each
one of us was gonna have to take our egg home
and return it to class the next day.

And the rule was that we had to return our
egg to her in perfect shape, with no cracks in it
or anything.

98

Now, I don’t know what a chicken egg has to
do with a baby, but this is one of those situations
that make me wonder if I’d be getting a better
education if Mom and Dad switched me over to
private school.

Then Nurse Powell said this egg thing was gonna
count for 25% of our grade.

Well, when Nurse Powell mentioned grades, I got
really nervous. I’m already failing Algebra, and
I don’t need to flunk out of Health, too. So I
knew I was gonna have to keep my egg safe.

The other boys didn’t seem too worried about
THEIR grades, judging by what happened after
class let out.

99

I heard it took the janitor all afternoon to scrub
the yolks off the lockers.

splat
blap

The only boy besides me who didn’t break his egg
right away was Rowley, who tucked it in his shirt
pocket.

come
along,
rowley
junior.

pat
pat

I didn’t have a shirt pocket or anywhere safe
to put MY egg, so I needed to figure out
something quick.

100

I ended up getting a huge wad of toilet paper
from the bathroom and stuffing it into my
backpack for cushioning. I had to take some of
my books out so they wouldn’t crush the egg, so
I guess that means I won’t be doing my History
homework tonight.

I’m nervous around eggs anyway, because of an
incident that happened last year.

My family got invited to the Snellas’ house for
another one of their kids’ half-birthday parties.
The Snellas had a table set up with all sorts of
food, and most of it looked too fancy for me. But
I knew Mom would think it was rude if I didn’t
put something on my plate.

Stuff
stuff

101

The only thing I could actually recognize was the
deviled eggs, because I had them at Gramma’s
house a couple of times.

I put about ten of them on my plate. But when
I bit into one, I gagged. The deviled eggs at
the Snellas’ house didn’t taste ANYTHING like
the ones Gramma makes, and now I had a whole
plate full of them.

So I waited until no one was looking, and then I
dumped all the deviled eggs in this plastic plant in
the dining room.

Dump

102

I got away with it, but a few weeks later Mrs.
Snella told Mom there was a really bad smell in
their house and they couldn’t figure out where it
was coming from.

At first Mr. and Mrs. Snella thought the smell
was coming from the carpet, so they hired a
cleaner to come shampoo the rug. But that didn’t
solve the problem, and they thought maybe a
squirrel or a mouse died in their walls. So they had
a carpenter come in to try to find it.

After a few weeks, I guess they couldn’t take
the smell anymore, so they moved out.

Rripp

103

And I have to admit I felt a little bit guilty
when I saw they were taking their plastic plant
with them.

Ever since, I’ve been trying to figure out how to
sneak some deviled eggs into Fregley’s house.

Tuesday

Yesterday when I got home, I put my egg in my
sock drawer, but then I realized it wouldn’t be
safe in there.

Whenever I have something new, Manny finds a
way to get to it and wreck it.

104

In fact, it only took a day and a half for Manny
to find my headgear. And I don’t care WHAT
Dr. Kagan says, there’s no way I’m putting
THAT thing in my mouth again.

I thought about hiding the egg at the top of my
closet, but that wouldn’t stop Manny. I hid some
comic books up there once, but that boy can climb
like a monkey.

105

What I realized is that the more work I
put into hiding something, the better chance
Manny has of finding it. So I decided to hide
my egg in an obvious spot where he would never
think to look.

I put it in the refrigerator on the second shelf.
But this morning I opened the refrigerator to
get my egg, and it wasn’t where I left it.

I went into a panic, and I asked Mom if she’d
seen Manny take my egg out of the refrigerator.

But Mom said SHE was the one who took it, and
that’s what she was making me for breakfast.

106

All of a sudden I felt a little sick to my stomach.
I realized that if I couldn’t even take care of an
egg for twenty-four hours, I definitely have no
business ever being a parent.

When I got to school, I noticed that all the
girls in my Health class had gotten THEIR eggs
to school safely. Some of the girls were carrying
theirs around in little pouches they’d sewn, and a
few of them had even accessorized their eggs with
sparkles and glitter and stuff like that.

107

I’m pretty sure the point of the lesson was to
teach us how hard it is to take care of a baby,
so I don’t think the girls were really getting
the message.

I was thinking about swiping Rowley’s egg when
he wasn’t looking and passing it off as my own,
but he had drawn all over his in crayon, so that
wasn’t an option.

108

When Nurse Powell came to my desk, I pulled out
the plastic baggie that had my scrambled egg in
it, but she didn’t seem too impressed.

can i at least
get partial
credit?

So I guess that means I’m probably gonna be in
summer school to repeat Health class.

Nurse Powell congratulated everyone who kept
their eggs in perfect condition overnight. Then she
collected all the eggs and threw them in the trash.

Dump

109

Well, that sent Rowley and the girls into hysterics.

All I can say is, this whole episode has got me
seriously concerned about the next generation of
parents in our country.

Friday

This afternoon there was a knock on the door,
and when I opened it I was pretty surprised to
see Grandpa standing there.

110

I was kind of confused, because he had his
overnight bag with him. But when I turned
around and saw Mom and Dad with THEIR
luggage, I figured out what was going on.

Mom and Dad said they haven’t gotten to spend a
lot of time together lately, so they decided to go on
a “romantic weekend getaway.” They asked Grandpa
to come by and watch us while they were gone.

I wish they didn’t have to go and throw the
word “romantic” in there, because that part was
definitely too much information for me.

Mom and Dad don’t trust me and Rodrick to be
home alone, because the LAST time they left us
on our own, Rodrick had a huge party.

111

Whenever Mom and Dad go away, they usually
leave us with Gramma. But Gramma’s on a cruise
with her friends, so that’s why we got stuck
with Grandpa.

Mom and Dad don’t give us any advance warning
when they go away. For their anniversary, we
didn’t even know they were gone until they called.

we’re in
hawaii!

The LAST time they left us at our own house
with Grandpa was when me and Rodrick were
really little. I don’t remember everything that
went wrong that week, but I do remember that
he dropped me off for T-ball practice at the
wrong time and at the wrong field.

112

I don’t think Rodrick was crazy about the idea of
having Grandpa as a babysitter, because the second
Mom and Dad left, Rodrick took off.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a van or a driver’s
license of my own, so I was stuck with Grandpa
and Manny.

let’s play
gin rummy!

SCREECH
Shuffle
113

Manny went straight to bed, even though it
was only 4:30 in the afternoon. So that left
just me and Grandpa.

Grandpa made grilled cheese sandwiches with the
crusts cut off for dinner, which I haven’t had
since I was really little. We watched some TV,
but then at 7:00 Grandpa shut it off and asked
me if I wanted him to read me a story. I haven’t
had a bedtime story since I was in kindergarten,
but I didn’t wanna hurt Grandpa’s feelings, so I
just went along with it.

Saturday

Since I went to bed at 7:30 last night, I woke
up really early this morning.

114

And when I came downstairs, I saw a big white
binder sitting out on the kitchen table.

taking care of
Gregory & Rodrick
A
to
Z

All of a sudden the grilled cheese sandwiches and
the story and the early bedtime all made sense.
Grandpa was using the manual Mom made for him
the LAST time he took care of us at home, eight
or nine years ago.

I flipped through the pages, and sure enough, it
was filled with instructions for how to take care
of us when we were little kids.

115

And at least 95% of it was totally outdated.

R
is for red
fruit juice

Do not let Rodrick drink
any before bedtime as
it makes him extremely
hyperactive.

Some of the stuff in there was actually pretty
embarrassing. I’m just glad I found the manual
before Rodrick did, or he’d never let me hear the
end of it.

S
is for
sneakers

Gregory calls his
sneakers “wild boys.”
He does not know
how to tell his left
and right shoes apart
so he will need help
getting them on.

116

I flipped to the page with “T” on it, and here’s
what I found—

T
is for
television

The boys may watch
up to thirty minutes
of educational
programming a day.

I don’t think I’m gonna survive a whole weekend
with Grandpa if I’m not allowed to watch a lot
of TV, so I ripped out the page and drew up a
new one.

T
is for
television

Gregory is allowed
to watch as much
as he likes.

117

Then I realized that the “S” page was on the
back of the “T” page, so I had to replace that
one, too.

S
is for
spanking

It’s what you should
do to Rodrick if he ever
leaves the house without
asking first.

Monday

Unfortunately, Mom and Dad got home before
Rodrick did yesterday, and Grandpa went back to
his condo. Which is a shame, because I was really
keeping my fingers crossed on that “S” thing.

Mom said that she and Dad did a lot of talking
over the weekend, and they agreed that things
have started to slip around the house ever since
she started going back to school.

118

I figured Mom was gonna chew us guys out for
not doing our share, but she actually said she was
gonna HIRE someone to help with the cleaning.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The words
Mom used were “domestic help,” but I knew that
was just code for “maid.”

I guess Mom was pretty embarrassed about having
to hire someone to help out with the household
chores, because she asked us all not to mention it
to anyone.

Well, I’m sorry, but opportunities like this don’t
come around too often for me, so it was a little
hard to keep quiet at school.

we’re getting
a maid!

119

Chirag Gupta said his family doesn’t NEED a maid
and that he was glad his mom is there when he
comes home from school every day.

chew
chew

But I’m sure that’s what all the non-maid people
say to make themselves feel better.

Tomorrow is our maid Isabella’s first day. I
thought that meant we could all kick back and be
a little extra slobby, since someone would be picking
up after us, but Mom made everyone clean the
house tonight. She said she didn’t want Isabella
thinking we lived in a “pigsty.”

vroom
vroom
120

Tuesday

Today when I got home from school, Isabella
was in the family room watching a talk show. I
guess I can’t really blame her for loafing around,
since we had done all the cleaning for her. But she
stayed for about two hours and totally hogged
the TV.

today on
“darlena”…
backstabbing
best friends!

mm mm
mm.

Tonight when Mom got home after her classes,
she was amazed at how spotless the house was.
I don’t think she remembered that WE were the
ones who did all the work.

121

But she seemed happy, so I didn’t want to spoil
it for her.

I wasn’t as happy as Mom. Last night I left
Isabella a note asking her to take care of my
laundry. I wasn’t sure if she would take orders
from a kid, so I made the note look like it was
from Mom.

Dear Isabella,

Please do my son
Gregory’s laundry.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Heffley
122

I’m technically supposed to do my OWN laundry,
and I didn’t want Mom to find out I was asking
Isabella to do it for me. So I put this line at
the bottom—

P.S. Now that you’ve read
my note, you should just
throw it out.

Dear Mrs. Heffley,
now, which child
is Gregory again?

Isabella

Then I put the note on top of the bag and
left it out where Isabella would see it. I was
expecting to come home and find all my laundry in
neat, folded piles on my bed, but instead I got a
note BACK from Isabella.

Luckily, I got home before Mom did, or she would’ve
found it.

123

That really stunk, because I had to haul my
laundry bag all the way back upstairs. And let
me tell you, it was a lot harder going up than
coming down.

Isabella doesn’t come back until Thursday, so I
guess I’ll have to wait until then to take another
crack at it.

This is actually pretty exciting for me, because
I’ve never had anyone I could farm my work out
to. Rodrick is ALWAYS tricking me into doing
stuff for HIM.

He’ll start by asking me to do something, and I
always say no.

124

Then he starts counting down from ten. And I
don’t know why, but that gets to me every time.

go get me
some ice
cream.

no
way!

10…9…
8…

zow

I’ve found out that kind of thing doesn’t work
on adults.

125

Last week I tried to get Dad to fetch the TV
remote, because I left it on the kitchen table.
But he didn’t even move a muscle.

10… 9…
8…

Anyway, I’m hoping Isabella comes through for
me on Thursday. I’ve been wearing the same socks
for a few days now, and they’re starting to feel
like cardboard.

Thursday

Ok, now this is starting to get a little ridiculous.
Last night I dragged my laundry back downstairs
and left another note for Isabella.

126

But instead of clean laundry, I just got
another note.

Dear Isabella,
Gregory is the child whose bedroom
has blue wallpaper. Please wash
and dry his clothes and put them
in his room.
Thank you,
Mrs. Heffley
Dear Mrs. Heffley,
Thank you for the clarification. Now,
would you like me to separate the
darks from the lights or wash them
all together?
Isabella

Now I get Isabella’s act. She’s gonna keep
dragging this out forever. On the one hand, I
kind of have to respect her skill at avoiding work.
But on the other hand, I really do need some
clean underwear soon.

127

And what REALLY stinks is that Isabella has
been eating our junk food. I went to get some
pretzels out of the pantry tonight, and the bag
was practically empty.

I noticed the potato chips were gone, too. And
believe it or not, Isabella left a note in the
pantry to complain about our snack selection.

Dear Mrs. Heffley,
Please note that I
prefer farfecue potato
chips over plain ones.
Isabella

Well, the potato chips she ate were barbecue,
but she just didn’t know it. Manny licks the
flavoring off the barbecue chips and puts them
back in the bag. Unfortunately, I had to learn
that the hard way.

chew

128

Monday

Mom went out and bought a bunch of snacks just
for Isabella and put them in the pantry, and the
rest of us aren’t allowed to touch them.

Today at school they announced that they’re
going to have a special fundraiser for the music
program, called a “Lock-In.” From what I can
tell, it’s sort of like a big boy-girl slumber party,
so you can definitely count me in.

psst
We’re having a
Lock-In
this Friday night!

Your child is invited to a night of supervised
fun in the middle school auditorium. The
event goes from dusk till dawn and features
games and prizes.

Chaperones needed!

Admission is $5 and all proceeds will go to
the Save Our Music Program fund.

fun!

games!

129

Tuesday

The only thing that bothered me was the
“chaperone” part. So I cut that out before I
showed it to Mom.

All right, I’ve had it with our maid. I gave
her one more shot at doing my laundry, and she
weaseled out of it again.

This is what I found sitting on top of the
laundry bag when I got home—

Dear Isabella,
It is fine to mix the lights and
darks together. Please take
care of this at your earliest
convenience as Gregory is
out of clean clothes for school.
Mrs. Heffley
130

I officially give up. Since we always clean the
house before Isabella comes, I’m pretty sure the
only “work” she does is writing these notes.

And it gets worse. When I got into bed tonight,
I felt something at the bottom of my sheets. So
I reached down and found what I think was a
panty hose sock.

Dear Mrs. Heffley,
Thank you for the clarification
on how to handle the lights and
the darks. Unfortunately, I have
misplaced your earlier note in
which you stated who Gregory is.
Isabella

Sniff
sniff

131

That means Isabella has been taking naps in
MY BED. I went into Mom’s room and told her
that I think she made a mistake hiring Isabella
and that she should let her go.

But Mom didn’t want to hear it. She said that
the house has been “immaculate” ever since we hired
her and that everyone should be grateful for the
work she’s doing for us. So Isabella’s got Mom
TOTALLY fooled.

All I can say is, if being a maid means watching
TV all day, eating snacks, and taking naps in my
bed, then I guess I’ve finally found a career I
can get excited about.

132

November

Saturday

Dad dropped me off at school at 8:00 last night
for the Lock-In, and the second I walked
through the door, I knew I made a huge
mistake. It was, like, 90% boys and 10% girls.
And even worse, ROWLEY was there.

I turned to leave, but one of the chaperones had
already locked the door. So I was stuck there for
the night with everyone else.

133

I’m guessing most of the girls in my class decided
not to go to the Lock-In and the ones who DID
show up just didn’t get the word in time.

I decided I was gonna have to make the most
of it, and I walked into the auditorium, where
everyone else was taking their stuff. The first
thing I noticed was that there was at least one
adult for every kid, which is not really a great
recipe for wild times.

Most of the chaperones were parents, but a few
of them were teachers. And something tells me
the teachers were only there because they didn’t
have a choice.

134

I plopped my stuff down on the stage, where all
the other kids were. Then I noticed that Rowley
was there, so I moved my stuff to the other
side of the stage.

I think most of the kids had already written
off the night, because just about everyone was
playing with whatever electronic gadget they
brought with them.

beep boop
tap
tap
tap

I didn’t even THINK of bringing my video
games, and I didn’t have a magazine or anything
to entertain myself. So I asked one of the
grown-ups what I could do.

Mrs. Barnum told me there was an “activity
center” in the corner for anyone who needed to
take a “fun break” during the night.

135

But all of the activities were little-kid stuff.

Activity
Center

I decided to just sit on my sleeping bag with my
hands folded on my lap instead.

At 9:00 the adults said it was time for “party
games,” but nobody heard them because everyone
had headphones on. Mr. Tanner said people
needed to be “social,” so he confiscated all the cell
phones, music players, and whatever else kids had
and put them in a garbage bag.

Ball Pit

136

Then we all sat in a circle in the middle of the
auditorium. Mrs. Carr said we were gonna play
some “icebreakers” that would help us get to know
each other better.

But the truth is, all of us kids know one another
really well, because we’ve been together since
preschool. In fact, I think we know each other
TOO well.

Mrs. Carr said we were gonna start with something
called the “Name Game,” where everyone goes
around and gives themselves a nickname that
starts with the same letter as their first name,
like “Sporty Seth” or “Funny Fred” or something
like that. The idea was that your nickname would
say something about your personality.

137

Rowley went first.

respectful
rowley!

It was really stressful trying to come up with a
cool-sounding nickname, and my turn was coming up
quick. I finally settled on “Great Greg,” which I
know is a little lame, but it was hard to think of a
decent nickname that starts with the letter “G.”

I guess the kid to my right, George Fleer, was
having the same problem as me.

great
george.

I couldn’t use the same word as George or people
would think I was copying him.

138

So I sat there for a while trying to think of
another good “G” word, but everyone was staring
at me and my mind just went blank.

Then Mrs. Libby chimed in to try and bail me out.

jolly
greg!

Everyone seemed pretty happy with that, even
though “Jolly” doesn’t start with the letter “G.”
And it makes you wonder about our education
system, especially since Mrs. Libby is the eighth-
grade honors English teacher.

I thought “Jolly Greg” was a TERRIBLE
nickname, but before I could come up with
something better, the person to my left went,
and it was too late.

139

So now I was stuck with a stupid nickname for
the rest of the night, and probably until I go
off to college.

After that, we played a game called “I Never
Told Anyone This Before,” where we had to tell
everyone a secret. Mrs. Carr said the game would
help us “bond” with one another, but I think the
REAL purpose was to let the chaperones know
who the troublemakers were.

HELLO
my name is
Jolly Greg
i was the one who
spray painted a bad
word on the front
of the school!

scribble
scribble

140

My theory was proven right later on when Teddy
Caldwell went down the hall to the bathroom and
a chaperone trailed him.

We played a few more icebreakers, but nobody
could concentrate, because every five seconds one
of the cell phones in the electronics bag would
start buzzing or ringing. Then Mr. Tanner would
fish through the bag and try to find the phone
that was ringing so he could shut it off.

buzz
ring
ring
boys
subject approaching
the corridor-three
boys’ bathroom.

141

Eventually he just gave up and locked the bag in
the teachers’ lounge.

After the games were over, we had a fifteen-
minute rest break before our next activity. A
few of us had brought snacks, but there was a
strict no-snack policy, and we had to eat them
undercover.

shake
shake
chew
chew
chew
chew

The chaperones seemed to know EXACTLY who
had the snacks, and they confiscated about 95%
of them. Mr. Farley even found my cherry sour
balls, which were hidden in my pillowcase.

We finally realized that a mole was ratting us out.
It was Justin Spitzer, and he was being paid off
with the snacks the adults collected.

142

The only kid who still had junk food was Jeffrey
Chang, who had a huge bag of cheese puffs. I
think Jeffrey knew it was just a matter of time
before he was caught, so he locked himself in the
boys’ bathroom and tried to enjoy his snack. But
the adults figured out what was going on, and
Jeffrey panicked and got rid of the evidence.

we know
you’re in
there!

pound
pound
shake
shake

143

After our break we got back into the circle, and
Mrs. Dean told us we were gonna play a new game
called “Guess Who?” Then she split us up into ten
teams. I was on Team Three with George Fleer,
Tyson Sanders, and a few other kids.

I was just glad I didn’t have to be on the same
team as Rowley, because that would’ve been totally
uncomfortable.

Here’s how the game worked: Each team had to
go into another room and take a picture of one of
its members. But the picture had to be a close-up,
like of an ear or a nose or a hand or something
like that. Then each team would bring their
picture to the library, and the other teams would
have to guess who was in the picture.

144

Then Mrs. Dean said the winning team would
get ice cream sandwiches from the freezer in the
cafeteria. I have to admit, it sounded like a fun
game. But when she handed out the cameras,
there was practically a riot, since it had been
almost two hours since any of us had access to any
kind of technology.

Then we found out they were those old-fashioned
instant cameras that develop your pictures right
away, and everyone was a little disappointed,
because those kinds don’t have a screen or anything.

insta-shot

145

Our team went down to the science lab, where we
could take our photo in private. The first thing
we had to do was figure out who was gonna be in
the picture.

George Fleer said we should take a picture of his
belly button. But everybody thought that would
be too obvious because George has a serious outie,
and all the other groups would know EXACTLY
who it was.

We tried taking pictures of different kids in our
group, but most of them were too obvious.

Nicky Wood wanted the picture to be of him, but
he’s totally covered in freckles and we couldn’t
find a single part of him that wouldn’t be a dead
giveaway.

146

We took a picture of Christopher Brownfield’s
back, but we caught one of the Team Four kids
spying on us and we had to pick someone else.

HEY!

We took a bunch of pictures of Tyson Sanders,
but the best one was of his bent arm.

FLASH

147

You couldn’t even tell what the picture was of, so
that’s the one we went with.

When all the teams got back together in the
library, we put our picture up on the wall with
everybody else’s. And as soon as we saw the other
pictures, we knew we were gonna win.

SMACK

Some of the pictures were so easy to identify that
it was actually kind of pathetic.

148

In fact, don’t even ask me what the people on
Rowley’s team were thinking.

We were eager to get on with the guessing part
of the game, since we knew nobody would be able to
figure out who was in our picture. But Mr. Tanner
just stood there looking at our photograph.

hmm…

149

Then Mr. Tanner said that he didn’t appreciate
Team Three’s “juvenile stunt” and that we were
disqualified from the competition.

We all looked at one another, trying to figure
out what the heck Mr. Tanner was talking about.
But Mrs. Dean was mad, too. She said it was
completely inappropriate to take a picture of
someone’s “posterior.”

No one on my team knew what “posterior” meant,
but luckily we were in the library, so we looked
it up in the dictionary. And you’ll never believe
this, but it means “butt.” In fact, we found out
that there are about a million OTHER words for
“butt,” too.

hee hee hee hee!

150

But the teachers were MAD. They actually
thought we took a picture of somebody’s butt, and
I guess if you held the picture at a certain angle,
you could see how a person could make a mistake
like that.

Mr. Tanner said he was gonna call our parents
and tell them to come take us home, and he said
that the kid whose butt was in the picture was
gonna be in REALLY big trouble.

I knew that if Mr. Tanner called my parents
at 11:00 at night, they were not gonna be
happy, and I could tell a lot of the other kids
on my team were thinking the same thing. Then
George Fleer made a run for it, which kind of put
everyone into a panic.

151

So the rest of us ran, too.

It was every man for himself, and I ended up
hiding in the music room with Tyson Sanders. We
shut the lights off so nobody would come looking
for us there.

hey!

152

Tyson was really worried that the teachers were
gonna do a butt lineup to try and match the
picture to the right kid. But I told Tyson he
didn’t have anything to worry about, because he
pulls his pants all the way down when he uses the
urinal, so everyone already knows what his butt
looks like.

Me and Tyson were in the music room for a long
time, but we were finally caught by a couple of
teachers who used Justin Spitzer to sniff us out.

The chaperones brought us down to the library,
where all the other Team Three members were
already rounded up.

153

Well, everyone except Christopher Brownfield,
who for all I know is still hiding behind the soda
machine on the second floor.

Tyson told Mr. Tanner that the picture was of
his arm. Luckily, there’s a mole near Tyson’s elbow
that matched up with the one in the picture, or
I don’t think Mr. Tanner would’ve believed him.

After Mr. Tanner looked at the picture and
Tyson’s arm a few more times, he said he had made
an “innocent mistake” and that any “reasonable
person” would have done the same thing. It
seemed like a pretty lame apology to me, but I
was just glad he wasn’t still talking about calling
our parents.

154

After that, the party games were over, and the
adults said it was time for us to turn in for the
night. I think everyone who went to the Lock-
In was planning on staying up all night, but at
this point I was glad to go to sleep if it meant
the night might go by quicker.

I went to the auditorium to get into my sleeping
bag, which was parked right next to Jennifer
Houseman, who is actually not that bad-looking.
But the grown-ups said the girls needed to take
their stuff and move down the hall to the library
media room and the boys had to stay in the
auditorium.

I was hoping I could get some rest, but a lot
of the guys started horsing around, and it was
impossible to sleep.

155

At one point George Fleer started chasing people
around with his outie, which was pretty terrifying.

See, this is the kind of thing I can’t stand about
boys my age. When it comes down to it, they’re
just a bunch of wild animals.

When George started chasing people around, I
excused myself to go to the bathroom so I could
brush my teeth. The bathroom is in the back of
the auditorium, and the lights were off, so it was
really dark back there.

screeeam!

156

I heard this weird noise, and I got a little
freaked out for a second, because our school has a
problem with rodents. But it turned out to just be
Fregley playing by himself in the ball pit.

Around midnight Mr. Palmero, the school guidance
counselor, told everyone to get into their sleeping
bags and settle down. Then he said there was no
talking for the rest of the night and he didn’t
want to hear a peep out of anyone.

Every once in a while, somebody would cut the
cheese, and that made Mr. Palmero really mad
because he couldn’t figure out who was doing it.

Activity
Center

Boys
swish
swish
Ball Pit
157

After what happened earlier with the pictures,
I think the grown-ups were just really sensitive
about anything having to do with butts.

Mr. Palmero said that if anyone needed to “pass
gas,” they had to go behind the curtain on the
stage to do it.

So then a lot of the boys started taking turns
telling Mr. Palmero they needed to go behind the
curtain, and then they’d make the most obnoxious
noises you can imagine.

toot!

hee hee
hee!

158

That went on for a while, and it kind of reached
its peak when David Rosenburg went down to the
music room and brought back a tuba.

I don’t know if it was a coincidence or not,
but right about that time the heat went off in
the auditorium.

frbbbbbt!

ha ha
ha!

BLARP!

159

In fact, I think someone turned the air
conditioner on. All I know is that everyone
stayed in their sleeping bags after that.

After a while Mr. Palmero fell asleep, but all the
boys were still awake. Some guys were saying this
was like prison, and people were talking about
busting out of there and going home.

The problem was that all the exits were padlocked.
I guess we should’ve known what we were getting
into when they called this thing a “Lock-In.”

shiver
shiver
shiver
chatter
chatter
chatter
chatter

160

Albert Sandy said he’d seen a movie where some
guy busted out of prison with a spoon, and a lot
of people got pretty excited about that idea.

But it turns out that was just a bunch of
Hollywood baloney, because we got some spoons
from the kitchen and we couldn’t even make a
DENT in the linoleum floor.

dink
dink
dink
dink
dink
dink
dink dink

161

At about 1:30 in the morning, someone noticed
flashing lights coming from outside, so we all went
to the back of the auditorium to see what was
going on.

There was a guy from the tow truck company,
and he was walking around Mr. Palmero’s car,
which was parked in a handicapped spot.

We tried to get the towing guy’s attention so he
could break us out of the school.

help

162

But the guy never heard us, and he towed Mr.
Palmero’s car. I thought about waking Mr.
Palmero up to tell him, but I figured we should
just let him get his rest.

By this time it was so cold in the auditorium that
us boys packed ourselves together like sardines to
preserve body heat.

I figured it was probably nice and toasty in the
library media room, and I was seriously thinking
about going back there and joining the girls.

shiver
shiver
shiver
shiver
shiver
163

But I figured I’d get caught and I’d just be
back where I started.

I think I probably fell asleep around 2:30. Then
at 3:00 there was a pounding on the back door
that woke everybody up. Mr. Palmero unlocked the
door, and there was a bunch of angry parents
standing outside.

Apparently, they’d been trying to call their
kids to make sure everything was OK, but the
kids weren’t answering, because Mr. Tanner took
everyone’s cell phones. So then the parents called
one another and everyone got all in a panic.

To make a long story short, the parents who
came to the school took their kids home with
them. And that left the only two kids who didn’t
have their own cell phones: me and Rowley. So
that was pretty awkward.

Something tells me this whole Lock-In idea was
just a scheme set up by the parents and teachers
to turn us kids off to boy-girl parties. And if
that’s true, then mission accomplished.

Activity
Ball Pit
165

Monday

I spent the weekend trying to recover from the
Lock-In, since I got zero sleep on Friday night.
But I think the whole experience was just too
much for my body, because this morning when I
woke up, I was sick.

I admit I’ve faked being sick before to get out
of going to school, but usually Mom calls my bluff.

moan.

well, i guess we’ll
have to go to the
doctor and get
blood work done.

166

But today Mom took my temperature, and I
guess it must’ve been pretty high, because she said
I needed to stay in bed.

She said she had to spend the day at the library
to study for her final test tonight and she wouldn’t
be able to stay home to take care of me. Well, that
kind of stunk, because the only good thing about
being sick is having someone fuss over you.

Mom said Isabella was working today and that if
there was an emergency, I could go to her. But
after Mom left, I locked my bedroom door because
I was afraid Isabella might try to come into my
room to take her nap.

are you strong
enough to lift
this cup?

i…i
guess.

167

I must’ve dozed off around noon, and when I
woke up, there was a lot of commotion downstairs.
The TV was turned up really loud, and I could
hear what sounded like a bunch of women talking.

I looked out the window, and there were a ton of
cars in the driveway and on the street.

I didn’t know what was going on, so I just
stayed in my room. About a half hour later, Mom
pulled up in her car and went inside the house.
Five minutes after that, all these women streamed
out the door, including Isabella.

Mom walked upstairs to my room, and she was
really steamed.

168

She said she decided to come home early from the
library to take care of me, and when she did, she
walked in on a soap opera viewing party with all
the maids from the neighborhood.

Tonight Mom had another house meeting and
said that Isabella’s services would “no longer be
required” and that we were all going to have to
pitch in around the house. I was happy to hear
that, because now I can stop checking my bed for
panty hose socks.

kiss me, rex. kiss
me to help me snap
out of my amnesia!

169

Tuesday

When I got to school today, Rowley was waiting
by my locker, and he had a huge smile on his face.
Then I noticed he had a big pimple right in the
middle of his forehead.

Most people would have stayed home from school
if they had a zit like that, but here’s what
Rowley said—
my mom says
i’m becoming
a man!

170

Well, that really irked me for some reason. But
that wasn’t the end of it.

Later on in the day I saw Rowley hanging out
near the older kids’ lockers. So I guess he thinks
just because he got a pimple, he’s part of their
club now or something.

I think it’s really pathetic that Rowley’s trying
to impress people with his stupid zit.

And believe me, I’m not jealous or anything.
But this is a kid who still sleeps with a pile of
stuffed animals every night, so it doesn’t make
any sense that he would get his first pimple
before I got MINE.

’sup,
fellas?

171

I will say the whole episode has got me thinking.
I’ve been waiting to hit my growth spurt or at
least start growing some facial hair, but things
have been kind of slow going.

And now that Rowley’s got a pimple, I’m kind of
anxious to get things moving along.

When I got home from school today, I checked
myself in the mirror to see if anything seemed
different. But everything looked exactly the same
as it always does.

So after dinner I asked Mom and Dad when I
could expect things to start happening.

172

But they told me that when they were my age,
they were WAY behind their classmates when it
came to this sort of thing.

Then Dad told me not to expect to get a lot of
facial hair even when I’m an adult, because he’s
a grown man and he only needs to shave once or
twice a week.

Well, that was some REALLY bad news. In this
country they’re always saying you can grow up and
be anything you want, but now I realize that’s
not true.

why, I was a
very late
bloomer!

really? so
was I!

ha ha ha ha ha!

173

Wednesday

I can name at least half a dozen jobs I can
never have if I can’t grow a beard or a mustache
or at least some decent stubble.

Today was day two of Rowley’s pimple, and he was
walking around with his hair parted like a curtain
so everyone could get an eyeful of his zit.

magician
pirate
lumberjack
artist
cop
criminal
174

I couldn’t really take another day of this, and
I decided to do something about it. So I wrote a
note and handed it to him in the hallway.

And I’m happy to say my note did the trick.

But right before lunchtime something totally crazy
happened. Our class was heading to the cafeteria,
and when we walked through the hallway where
the older kids have their lockers, Jordan Jury was
standing there with a few of his friends.

Dear Rowley,
Nobody likes your zit.

Signed,
The Girls
shoot.
175

Jordan stopped us and said—

I couldn’t believe it. Like I said before, Jordan
Jury’s parties are LEGENDARY.

hey, dudes,
you’re invited
to my party!

glug
glug
glug
swoosh
squirt
176

But the best thing about Jordan Jury’s parties
is that there are girls there, which means his
parties are totally different from the kind I
usually get invited to.

The point is, this is a real party we’re talking
about, and not like the Lock-In, where there
were a million chaperones running the show.

I have no idea why Jordan Jury invited me and
Rowley to his party. It could’ve been my math
book or Rowley’s zit or both.

But it was pretty clear that he thought me and
Rowley were friends and that the invitation was a
package deal.

Zap

177

And I didn’t want to do anything that might
change his mind.

I can definitely pretend I’m friends with Rowley
for one night if it means I get to play “Spin
the Bottle” with a bunch of girls who are a whole
grade ahead of me.

we
accept!

it landed
right
between
you two!

then i guess
you’ll have
to kiss
both of us!

178

Thursday

You’ll never believe this, but Mom’s not letting me
go to Jordan Jury’s party.

And it’s not because it’s a boy-girl party or because
a bunch of older kids are gonna be there. It’s
because Uncle Gary’s WEDDING is this weekend.

This has got to be some kind of world record for
bad timing. I begged Mom to let me stay home
and go to the party, but she wouldn’t budge,
even after I promised I’d go to Uncle Gary’s
next wedding.

Mom said I can’t skip it, because I’m in the
wedding party and I can’t let Uncle Gary down.

179

The thing is, I’ve been in Uncle Gary’s wedding
party every single time, and I’ll tell you exactly
how THAT’S gonna go.

Uncle Gary’s gonna ask me to be a “reader.” Adults
always pick a kid to read something from the Old
Testament at weddings because everyone thinks it’s
cute when the kid can’t pronounce the names.

I knew Mom wasn’t gonna change her mind, so I
didn’t spend a lot of time trying to fight it. I
just went up to my room and called Rowley.

and then
ezekiel said to
zede-…zedy-
…zekid-…wha?

how
darling!

180

I told Rowley I couldn’t go to the party so
he couldn’t really go, either. I explained that it
wouldn’t be fair for him to go while I was stuck
at my uncle’s wedding.

But Rowley said he’s practically a grown-up now
and he can make his OWN decisions, so he’s going
to the party no matter what.

I got so mad that I hung up the phone. Now
do you see what I mean about Rowley? That’s
just the kind of selfish move that makes me glad
we aren’t friends anymore.

Yesterday my family piled into the car and drove
down to Gammie’s for Uncle Gary’s wedding. I was
in a really bad mood because of the whole party
thing, and because of something else, too.

Saturday

181

I remembered that I’m supposed to get “the
Talk” from Gammie this weekend, and I am
seriously not in the mood for a lecture right now.

The last lecture I got was from Dad’s brother
Uncle Joe, who told me that since I’m in middle
school I need to start thinking about my “future.”

Uncle Joe drew up a chart that showed me
everything I need to do between now and the end
of high school to increase my chances of getting
into a good college and landing a job after that.
So basically Dad and Uncle Joe have the next ten
years of my life planned out for me.

Anyway, I was thinking about all this, but then
something happened that snapped me out of my
bad mood.

182

Mom called Gammie to tell her we were running
a little late because we had to stop to pick up
my tuxedo.

THAT got my attention. I’ve never had to wear
a tuxedo for any of Uncle Gary’s other weddings,
and that could only mean one thing: I’m one of
the GROOMSMEN.

The night before the wedding, the groomsmen
throw the guy who’s getting married a really wild
party. I’ve seen enough cable TV to know that’s
something I definitely want to be a part of.

183

I actually felt a little bad for Rodrick, because
that meant he got passed over. But I figure I
could take some pictures of the party so he could
see everything he missed.

Mostly, though, I felt happy, because while
Rowley’s at some lame middle school party, I’m
gonna be riding in a limo and having the time of my
life. So we’ll see who’s a “man” after this weekend.

And as a bonus, at the wedding I’ll be paired up
with one of the bridesmaids. I’m just crossing my
fingers that Sonja has some cute friends.

On the way to Gammie’s house, Mom made me
promise that I wouldn’t wipe away my relatives’
kisses, because she says it’s “rude.”

184

But I can’t really help it. When some aunt or
cousin gives me a wet kiss on my cheek, I start
thinking about the bacteria multiplying on my face,
and I get all twitchy. The last time we went to
Gammie’s, I brought some of those antibacterial
wipes with me to take care of the problem.

But I promised Mom I wouldn’t wipe any kisses
this time around. And I shouldn’t have even
done that, because the first person to greet us
was Aunt Dorothy, who always kisses me full on
the lips.

Wipe
wipe

185

As soon as I was out of Mom’s sight, though, I
went straight for the first thing I could find to
wipe my face.

Most of the family was already at Gammie’s house
by the time we got there. It would take me
forever to describe every single person who was
there, so I’ll just stick with the highlights.

My cousin Benjy was there with his parents, Aunt
Patricia and Uncle Tony. The last time I saw
Benjy, he could only say two things—
scrub
scrub
no!

shut
up!

186

Benjy can speak in full sentences now, and his
parents say he’s reading chapter books. But I
wouldn’t be bragging if my son could read and still
wasn’t potty trained.

Great Uncle Arthur was in the den, sitting in
the recliner in front of the tv. I don’t think
I’ve ever had an actual conversation with Great
Uncle Arthur, because all he does is grunt and
make these random sounds. He stayed with us one
Thanksgiving weekend, and it was like that the
whole time.

muuurp.

187

I can’t tell if he’s trying to communicate or what,
but every once in a while I respond, just in case.

Great Aunt Reba was there, too, which kind of
surprised me.

A few years ago Gammie invited everyone to her
house on Christmas, but she accidentally forgot
to send an invitation to Great Aunt Reba. She
showed up anyway, but she refused to take off
her coat, and she just sat there in the living
room, making us all feel guilty.

rrup?

umm… no
thank you.

188

Dad’s second cousin Terrence was there, and the
only reason I mention him is because everyone
always says I look EXACTLY like he did when
he was my age, which is really depressing.

In fact, when I first heard that, I looked
through Gammie’s photo album to see if it was
true. And unfortunately, it was.

what’s
new, greg?

189

So I guess I’d better start saving up my money
for plastic surgery.

Dad’s cousin Byron was there, and I wasn’t too
excited to see him, either. At the last family
reunion, Gammie sent Byron out to get milk and
I rode with him. But he hit a pothole and got a
flat tire about half a mile from the house.

Byron told me to go to the house and get help,
and on my way back it started raining. When I
walked through the front door, all the ladies in
the kitchen started yelling at me for tracking
mud on the floor.

190

They told me to take my shoes off and put them
in the mudroom, which I did. But all that yelling
must’ve rattled me, because I forgot all about
Byron’s flat tire. And when he came back to the
house a half hour later, he wasn’t too happy.

Uncle Charlie was there, and I was really glad to
see him because he’s always got his pockets stuffed
with candy for us kids.

191

But I didn’t always like Uncle Charlie, because he
used to tease me when I was little. I used to have
this pair of red footie pajamas, and every time
Uncle Charlie saw me, he’d say the same thing—

For some reason it really got under my skin. I
told Mom how I felt, and she took me to the
store to get some new pajamas, which were blue.
So the next time I saw Uncle Charlie, I knew I
had him beat.

hey there,
red!

192

But it only took him about three seconds to give
me a NEW nickname.

The only person who DIDN’T show up to Gammie’s
was Uncle Lawrence, but that wasn’t really a big
surprise. Uncle Lawrence is always traveling, and
he almost never comes to family gatherings. But
sometimes he makes an appearance by webcam, like
he did at Great Grandpa Chester’s funeral.

whattya
say, blue?

sniff

193

The last people to arrive were Uncle Gary and his
fiancee, Sonja. She seemed nice enough, and I
guess they’re pretty crazy about each other from
the way they were acting.

Unfortunately, I had to sit right next to them
at the dinner table and find out firsthand.

Dad told us on the way down that Sonja was kind
of sensitive about the fact that Uncle Gary was
married before, so we shouldn’t bring it up.

Apparently, Sonja told Uncle Gary that he was
gonna have to get the tattoo on his left arm
removed because it had his last wife’s name on it.

kiss
smooch

194

But I guess it costs a lot of money to get a
tattoo removed, so Uncle Gary just added some
extra words instead.

Lydia
i am not
in love with

Lydia
anymore
195

At least Sonja didn’t make Uncle Gary change the
tattoo on his OTHER arm. That’s the one he got
after he ate the three-pound Monstrilla Burger
at Dan’s Diner in one sitting. And you have to
admit, that’s pretty impressive.

Like I said, just about everyone in the family
showed up, and even though Gammie has a big
house, some people had to share a room.

Whenever we stay at Gammie’s, I always get
grouped with the people Gammie calls “the
Bachelors,” which means every male who’s not
married yet.

I ATE
THE
monstrilla
burger
196

This is not a group I’m real eager to share a
room with, ESPECIALLY since there are only
two beds in Gammie’s guest room. That means some
of us have to double up and the rest have to sleep
on the floor.

the bachelors
man, your
feet are
cold!

197

Uncle John used to be one of the Bachelors,
but he got married last spring. I’m starting to
wonder if maybe he got married just so he wouldn’t
have to sleep in there with the rest of us.

It was hard falling asleep with all those people
snoring away in the same room with me, so
eventually I picked up my stuff and looked for
somewhere else to spend the night.

ahhh…
zzzzzz
tick
tock
drag
198

The only place I could find was the bathroom
next to Gammie’s room, so I put my blanket and
pillow in the tub and made myself a bed. It wasn’t
comfortable, but at least I had some privacy.

Luckily, when Gammie came in this morning for her
bath, I woke up in the nick of time.

After that near disaster, I was up for the day.
And it was a really long day, too, because the
rehearsal dinner wasn’t until 7:00 at night.

But at least I knew I had the party with the
groomsmen to look forward to after that.

i’m in here!
i’m in here!!!

yank
untie
untie

199

The problem with these family gatherings is that
they’re not really geared toward kids. So if you
don’t like to drink tea and gossip with the ladies,
you’re sort of out of luck.

And everything in Gammie’s house is old-person
stuff, so there’s nothing for a kid to entertain
himself with. I complained to Mom a few years
ago, and she bought some Legos to keep at
Gammie’s house. But Gammie glued them together
in one big block because she didn’t like the little
pieces all over the place.

200

Besides that, there’s not a whole lot for a kid
to enjoy at Gammie’s. She DOES have some hard
candy in a jar on her mantel, and last year I
had a few pieces. But the candy tasted AWFUL.
It was really chewy, like bubble gum.

I ended up getting really sick and had to lie
down on the couch for a few hours.

It turns out the candy in that jar is REALLY old.

chew
chew
groaan…

201

In fact, Dad said that same candy was there
when HE was a little kid. And he even found a
picture in Gammie’s photo album to prove it.

Speaking of pictures, Gammie really needs to update
the ones she’s got on her mantel. She has a photo
of every single person in the family, and the one
of me and Rodrick is from when we went to Santa’s
Village about eight years ago.

I keep meaning to throw that picture away when
no one’s looking, because that’s just the kind of
thing that’ll crop up when they do my celebrity
biography later on.

Little Frankie
enjoys a sweet

202

All the furniture in Gammie’s house is old, too,
and apparently it’s really valuable. I’m sure there’s
gonna be a big fight over who gets what once
Gammie passes away. In fact, people have already
started putting sticky notes on the furniture to
get a head start.

Season’s Greetings
Mary
Donna
Peg
203

Sunday

I think that’s pretty disrespectful to Gammie.
But I admit there are one or two items I’m
hoping to snag for myself.

During the wedding rehearsal last night, I kept
thinking Uncle Gary was gonna take me aside and
tell me where the bachelor party was gonna be,
but it didn’t happen.

Then I looked at the wedding program and saw
my name at the bottom.

Ring Bearer/Flower Boy ………. Manny Heffley
Assistant Flower Boy …………. Greg Heffley

Please, no flash photography in the church.
Greg
204

I tried to get out of it and turn my assistant
flower boy duties over to Benjy, but Mom said
he was a reader this year, and besides, me and
Manny had matching white tuxedos.

So while Rowley was having a blast at Jordan
Jury’s party, I was holding a basket filled
with rose petals for Manny. And I noticed
Rodrick was taking a bunch of pictures, so I’d
be surprised if he hasn’t already uploaded them
by now.

After the wedding ceremony, we went into the
hall where the food was being served.

Flash
Toss
205

But before we started eating, Uncle Gary’s best
man, Leonard, stood up and gave a toast.

Leonard said he had a really funny story about
Uncle Gary and Sonja from when they were dating
and he wanted to share it with everyone. He said
that a couple of months ago, Uncle Gary took
Sonja to a baseball game, and he was planning on
breaking up with her because he wanted to start
dating her sister instead.

But before Uncle Gary could have the breakup
talk with Sonja, a plane flew across the sky with
a banner behind it.

marry me sonja?

206

Leonard said there must’ve been some OTHER guy
in the stadium with a girlfriend named Sonja. But
Uncle Gary’s Sonja reacted before he had a chance
to say anything.

Leonard said Uncle Gary wanted to explain that
it was all just a misunderstanding, but he was too
afraid that the guys in the seats around them
might beat him up if he let Sonja down. So Uncle
Gary decided to go along with it. At first I
thought Leonard’s story was just a joke, but Uncle
Gary wasn’t exactly jumping out of his chair to say
it wasn’t true.

yes!
yes!

heh
heh!

207

Anyway, I have a feeling we’ll be back next year
for Uncle Gary’s FIFTH wedding.

After the reception, our family went back to
Gammie’s house to get changed. I was gathering
up my stuff when Dad walked into the room and
said Gammie wanted to talk to me. At first I
couldn’t figure out why Gammie wanted to speak to
me in private, but then I realized I was about to
get “the Talk.”

When I walked down the hallway to Gammie’s
sitting room, I was a little nervous, but I was
also kind of excited. Gammie’s been around the
block about a million times, and I figured she’s got
a lot of wisdom stored up. And to be honest with
you, these days I could really use some.

208

I walked in and shut the door behind me. Gammie
was sitting in a fancy chair, so I sat across from
her. Once I got settled, Gammie started talking.

Gammie told me that most kids my age are in a
big rush to grow up but that if I was smart,
I’d enjoy the ride while it lasts.

Now, I’ve heard this same speech from Mom
and Dad about a billion times, so I was kind of
disappointed by where this was all heading.

But Gammie wasn’t finished. She said I was
getting ready to enter “the Awkward Years” and
that my lips were gonna get all puffy and my skin
was gonna get bad and my head was gonna look
too big for my body until my junior or senior year
of high school.

209

Then she said I shouldn’t let anyone take my
picture for the next few years, because I’d regret
it if I did. She told me she gave the same advice
to people like Dad and Uncle Gary and Uncle Joe,
but they didn’t listen to her.

But Gammie STILL wasn’t done. She told me that
getting older is no walk in the park and that
getting to be her age REALLY stinks.

Then she started talking about “hemorrhoids” and
“shingles” and a bunch of other stuff I’d never
heard of before. I guess she could tell I was
confused, so she started rolling down a sock to
show me what she was talking about.

uncle
gary
uncle
joe
dad

210

That’s when I excused myself and quickly left the
room. I’m glad I got out of there before Gammie
decided to take off any more clothes.

A half hour later we packed up our things, got
in the car, and headed home. I was just happy
the weekend was over. I love my relatives and
all, but there’s only so much family togetherness
I can take.

It was a drag going back to school today,
because it seemed like everyone went to Jordan
Jury’s party, and of course that was all anyone
wanted to talk about.

roll
roll
hey! poopy
diaper here!

Monday

211

Walking through the older kids’ hallway was
the WORST.

I’m actually kind of glad I didn’t go. I found
out the reason Jordan invited kids in my grade
was to basically use them as servants.

you remember
the mustard?
and the
sprinklers?

and the baby
pool and the
chocolate
syrup?

ha ha ha
ha ha!

can we at
least dip our
feet in?

no, but you
can go get us
some more
sodas!

har har
har!

Tonight on the news they announced the
winner of the Peachy Breeze Kid contest, and
unfortunately I didn’t get picked. But I do
know the kid who DID.

It was Scotty Douglas, who lives right down the
street. Don’t ask me why they picked him, because
he couldn’t even get the slogan right in the audition.

But the people at Peachy Breeze should’ve done
their research, because if they saw Scotty’s older
brother, they might’ve thought twice.

peachy
bweeze
is willy
neat.

lick

213

Last night Mom said now that her first semester
of school is over, she’s going to put her academic
career “on hold” for a while and spend more time
with the family. I can’t tell you how happy I
was to hear that. I’m glad things will finally be
getting back to normal around here.

In fact, that’s been the whole problem this year.
There’s been a lot of change all of a sudden, and
I really liked things the way they were BEFORE.

People like Dad and Uncle Joe have been getting
on my case to act more responsible and start
getting serious about my future. But the truth is,
I think I’m more of an Uncle Gary kind of guy.

good to
have you
back!

dump

214

Tuesday

I guess I’m just not in a big rush to grow up
right now. And after Gammie showed me what’s in
store over the next few years, I think I’m gonna
take her advice and hang on as long as I can.

Speaking of things getting back to normal, I
decided it was time for me and Rowley to put
the past couple of months behind us and get our
friendship back on track.

Me and him have a really long history together,
and there’s no point in throwing that away over
something dumb.

wooo-
hoooo!

215

And to be honest with you, I can’t even
remember what we were fighting about.

So after school today I went up to Rowley’s
house to see if he wanted to hang out. He was so
happy to see me that it was kind of embarrassing.

Rowley asked me if we’d be “best friends forever,”
and he gave me half of this matching locket he’s
always tried to get me to wear.

BEST
FRIENDS

216

I told him I wasn’t gonna wear the locket,
because it’s meant for girls. But really, it’s that
“forever” word that makes me nervous. I told him
maybe we could just take it one month at a time,
and he seemed pretty satisfied with that.

I’ll say one thing, though. Rowley must’ve grown
a full inch and a half since the summer, so who
KNOWS how tall this kid is gonna be.

I figure it’s a good idea for me to stick with him,
at least until we get to high school. Because if he
keeps growing at this rate, Rowley’s gonna be a
good person to have at my side.

were you
saying
something,
fellas?

rowwley…
angry!!!

217