The Third Wheel

Hard Luck

The Long Haul

Old School

Double Down

The Getaway

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The Wimpy Kid Do-It-Yourself Book

The Wimpy Kid Movie Diary

The Wimpy Kid Movie Diary: The Next Chapter

THE DIARY OF A WIMPY KID SERIES

MORE DIARY OF A WIMPY KID BOOKS

Diary of a Wimpy Kid

Rodrick Rules

The Last Straw

Dog Days

The Ugly Truth

Cabin Fever

by Jeff Kinney

AMULET BOOKS

New York

DIARY

PUBLISHER’S NOTE: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for and may

be obtained from the Library of Congress.

ISBN: 978-1-4197-2545-6
eISBN: 978-1-68335-111-5

Wimpy Kid text and illustrations copyright © 2017 Wimpy Kid, Inc.

DIARY OF A WIMPY KID®, WIMPY KID™, and the Greg Heffley design™

are trademarks of Wimpy Kid, Inc. All rights reserved.

Book design by Jeff Kinney

Cover design by Chad W. Beckerman and Jeff Kinney

Published in 2017 by Amulet Books, an imprint of ABRAMS.

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher. Amulet Books and Amulet Paperbacks are registered trademarks of Harry N. Abrams, Inc.

Amulet Books are available at special discounts when purchased in quantity for premiums and promotions as well as fundraising or educational use. Special editions can also be created to specification. For details, contact specialsales@abramsbooks.com or the address below.

ABRAMS The Art of Books
195 Broadway, New York, NY 10007
abramsbooks.com

to ANNIE

DECEMBER

Sunday

The worst part of having someone tell you about

their vacation is trying to pretend you’re HAPPY

for them. Because no one wants to hear about all

the fun they

DIDN’T have.

The only vacations I want to hear about are the

ones where things went WRONG. That way, I

don’t feel bad for missing out.

2

Well, my family just got back from vacation,

and believe me, if I could’ve stayed home, I

WOULD’VE. But I didn’t have a choice.

A few weeks ago, this vacation wasn’t even

supposed to HAPPEN. We were just having

a normal December, and I was really looking

forward to Christmas.

But Mom and Dad were getting all stressed out

about everything we had to do to get ready for

the holidays. We were WAY behind on decorating

the house, and nothing was going the way it was

supposed to.

3

I’m sure we could’ve gotten our act together in time

for Christmas. But one night an ad came on TV

that TOTALLY turned our holidays upside down.

The commercial was for this place called Isla de

Corales, which is where Mom and Dad went for

their honeymoon. And the reason I know that is

because every time an ad for that place comes on

TV, the two of them get all kissy-faced.

4

It makes me uncomfortable thinking about Mom

and Dad before they had us kids. And I wouldn’t

HAVE to if Mom didn’t break out their honeymoon

album every year on their anniversary.

The night after that ad came on, Mom and Dad

made an announcement. They said that THIS

year, we were gonna SKIP Christmas and all go

to Isla de Corales instead.

When I asked how we were gonna get our gifts

to the resort, Mom said the trip WAS our gift.

5

I thought that sounded like a TERRIBLE idea,

and I was surprised Dad was on board with it. He

usually doesn’t like to spend a lot of money, and I

was sure this resort was gonna cost a FORTUNE.

But he said he was sick of the cold weather, and he

wanted to escape to someplace warm.

Personally, I don’t have a problem with cold

weather. In fact, generally speaking, the worse

it is outside, the happier I am.

6

I figured Manny and Rodrick would help me talk

some sense into Mom and Dad, and we’d put a

stop to this idea. But those guys weren’t any help

at ALL.

So I had to accept that we weren’t gonna have a

normal Christmas at home. But what I REALLY

didn’t like was that we had to FLY to this place.

I’d never been on a PLANE before, and I

wasn’t crazy about the idea of locking myself in a

metal tube.

7

Nobody ELSE seemed worried, though, and two

weeks later, on a night when we should’ve been

hanging up our stockings and sitting around the

fire watching Christmas specials, we were packing

our suitcases for this island getaway.

Monday

We left the house around 8:00 on the morning of

Christmas Eve. Dad was pretty uptight because

he wanted to leave an hour EARLIER, but Mom

said he was being ridiculous and we’d get to the

airport in plenty of time.

It was only about twenty degrees outside, but

Rodrick was already dressed for vacation.

8

It turned out Dad was right, we should’ve left

earlier. Apparently, Christmas Eve is one of

the busiest travel days of the year, so the roads

were CHOKED with families driving to see their

relatives. And nobody really seemed to be in the

Christmas spirit, either.

What made things a lot worse was when it started

to SNOW. After that, things slowed to a crawl.

Mom and Dad started arguing over what time we

should’ve left, and Dad almost missed the exit for

the airport. He had to cut across three lanes of

traffic, which didn’t look easy.

When we reached the airport, the main parking

lot was full. That meant we had to park in the

economy lot, which was pretty far away. Dad said

he’d drop the rest of us off at the curb with all

the luggage and then come meet us after he parked.

When we got to the passenger drop-off area, it

was COMPLETE chaos. We tried to unload our

bags, but the cops weren’t letting anyone stop

for more than thirty seconds. And that just

stressed everyone out and made things worse.

10

I had to get back in the van so I could help Dad

with the rest of the bags. Ordinarily, that kind of

thing would’ve been Rodrick’s job, but since he was

dressed for eighty-degree weather, he got out of it.

He was lucky he DID, too. When we got to the

gate for the economy lot, Dad couldn’t reach the

ticket from his window. So he made me get out of

the car to grab it.

Unfortunately, I didn’t notice that there was a

giant slush puddle on my side of the car until it

was too late.

After we parked, we rolled our bags to the

nearest shuttle stop, which wasn’t a lot of fun.

11

The sign said the shuttle bus to the main terminal

came every ten minutes. But there was no room for

us in the bus shelter, so we had to wait outside in

the freezing cold.

Twenty minutes went by without a bus, and Dad

started getting really anxious about the time. He

said we were just gonna have to WALK to the

terminal, which was about a mile away.

12

I would’ve tried to convince Dad to wait a little

longer, but my sock was starting to turn to ice,

and I didn’t wanna get frostbite.

Sure enough, once we got about a hundred feet

from the shelter, the shuttle bus pulled into the

parking lot. We tried to get the driver to stop,

but he just blew right by us.

So we RAN to the shuttle stop, but we didn’t

make it back in time.

Now Dad was really worried about missing our

flight. I told him maybe missing the flight

wouldn’t be the WORST thing to happen, but he

didn’t seem to be in the mood to hear what I had

to say.

By the time we got to the terminal, we were

both soaking wet and miserable. So when a pickup

truck almost hit us in the crosswalk, it made Dad

REALLY mad, and he let the driver know.

That just made the DRIVER mad, and he pulled

his truck over and stepped out of his vehicle.

15

We didn’t stick around long enough to talk

things over with this guy. We ran in the

opposite direction and blended in with some people

standing on the sidewalk until the coast was clear.

Dad told me I could learn a lesson from this, which

was to never lose your temper and do something

stupid. But I took away a DIFFERENT lesson—

when Heffleys get in trouble, Heffleys RUN.

The rest of the family was waiting inside the

entrance to the terminal. Mom wanted to know

what took us so long, and Dad wanted to know

why she hadn’t gotten in line with Manny and

Rodrick and held a place for us.

16

It took twenty minutes for us to get through

the check-in line. But when Dad put our big

suitcase on the scale, the person at the counter

said it was too heavy, and it was gonna cost extra

money to check it.

But Dad said the airline was ripping us off and

we weren’t gonna give them an extra NICKEL.

So we took some clothes out of the suitcase and

stuffed them into our carry-on bags.

By the time we got everything sorted out, we

had a half hour to get to our gate before our

flight started boarding. And when we got to the

security area, it was a total ZOO.

There were two lines—one for families and one for

business travelers.

I guess Dad usually gets to go through the

business lane when he travels for work, so he

didn’t seem to be too happy about being stuck

with the rest of us in the family lane.

18

Anytime you add the word “family” to something,

you know things are gonna be bad. And trust

me, I’ve been to enough family restaurants to

know what I’m talking about.

We waited in the security line a long time, and we

finally made it to the front. But then some kid a

few rows behind us started pressing the buttons

on the poles that hold the barriers together.

All of a sudden, there was nothing keeping the

lines separated, and for a second, no one moved.

But then things COMPLETELY fell apart.

20

By the time the security agents got all the zip

barriers reconnected, we ended up at the BACK

of the line. And the family with the kid who caused

all the trouble was at the FRONT.

Now Mom and Dad were REALLY stressed,

because our flight was supposed to leave at any

minute. Dad begged one of the security agents

to let us go to the front, but he didn’t seem

too sympathetic.

I thought we were going to miss our flight, so I

didn’t really see the point of going through security.

But Dad said sometimes they leave the gate open

until the last second, and we might still make it.

21

We finally got to the front of the line, and we put

our bags on a conveyor belt. Then we took off our

coats and shoes and put them into some plastic bins.

Manny saw what the rest of us were doing, and

he started taking off HIS clothes, too. Luckily,

Mom noticed in time and stopped him before he

could go any further.

22

Manny wasn’t finished causing problems, though.

Apparently, he thought the conveyor belt was

some kind of RIDE, and he was really upset when

he found out that it WASN’T.

The people behind us were getting frustrated we

weren’t moving, but WE were being held up by the

guy in front of us. He had to remove everything

he had on that was metal, and it was taking him

FOREVER.

Rodrick told me these machines can see through

your CLOTHES, and then someone checks a

screen to make sure you’re not trying to sneak

by with anything dangerous. All I can say is I

wouldn’t wanna be the person with THAT job.

It turns out the X-ray machine that sees

through your clothes is only for grown-ups, and

kids go through a metal detector instead. Still, I

wasn’t gonna take any chances.

24

Once we got through security, we grabbed our

stuff from the conveyor belt and took off. Our

gate was down on the lower level, so we had to

take the escalator.

We couldn’t even do THAT without causing a major

problem. Manny’s stuffed animal got stuck in the

bottom of the escalator, and he had to press the

Emergency Stop button so Mom could pull it free.

25

Dad checked his watch and said we might still

make it, so we ran for our gate.

But the gate was all the way at the other end

of the terminal, and we knew we couldn’t make it

in time on foot.

Just then, a cart for handicapped passengers

came along, and Dad stopped it and asked the

driver if we could hitch a ride. The rest of us got

on board before she could say no.

26

After that, it was smooth sailing. The terminal

was pretty crowded, but people moved out of our

way when they heard us coming.

The driver dropped us off at our gate, but the

door was CLOSED. I thought that meant we

had missed our flight and we could turn around

and enjoy a nice Christmas Eve at home. But it

turned out the flight was DELAYED, so all that

stress was for nothing.

27

The reason the flight was delayed was because of

the bad weather, and it was gonna be another

HOUR before we got on the plane. We looked

for a place to sit down in the boarding area, but

people were hogging the seats.

Mom told me that once we got on the plane,

we’d be in the air for about six hours, which was

news to ME. I asked her for some money, and I

bought a couple of magazines, some snacks, and

headphones at a shop near our gate.

The only thing I needed that the store didn’t have

was SOCKS. My right sock was still soaking wet

from stepping in that puddle, so I went into the

bathroom to wring it out in the sink.

28

When I was done, my sock was still DAMP, and

I really didn’t wanna put it back on my foot. The

bathroom had one of those high-powered hand

dryers, and that gave me an idea.

I couldn’t wait to get back home and start

making some MONEY on this idea. I figured I

could make a KILLING on rainy days.

29

The only problem with the hand dryer in the

airport bathroom was that it was a little TOO

powerful.

My sock started SMOKING, and then it went

FLYING.

I decided I’d just get a new pair of socks at the

resort, because there was no way I was gonna

wear something I had to fish out of a URINAL.

When I came back from the restroom, they were

making an announcement at our gate.

30

I figured they were ready to start boarding the

plane, but they were just letting us know there

was another DELAY.

And it went on like that for the rest of the

day. Apparently, this storm was causing problems

everywhere, and the plane we were supposed to

fly out on was stuck at some OTHER airport.

I was starting to worry that my electronic device

was gonna run out of juice while I was on the

plane, so I looked for a place to charge it. But I

guess everyone else was thinking the same thing.

31

The only available outlet was in an awkward place.

But when your battery is at 15%, you gotta do

what you gotta do.

Our plane finally arrived at the gate, and all the

passengers who were on it got off. But if flying

is supposed to be FUN, you’d never know it from

the way these people looked.

32

The gate agent got on the loudspeaker and

said we’d be boarding shortly. Then she said our

flight was “overbooked,” and they needed a few

volunteers to give up their seats.

She said that whoever volunteered FIRST would

get three hundred dollars and a free night at the

airport hotel.

I didn’t need to hear another word. I got

to the desk before she’d even finished with her

announcement and said I was her guy.

Unfortunately, Mom wouldn’t LET me volunteer,

and nobody ELSE stepped up, either.

33

So the gate agent increased the offer to FIVE

hundred dollars, and some woman snapped it up

right away. I just hope she enjoys spending

my money.

After that, the agent made ANOTHER

announcement. She said the flight crew on

our plane had worked too many hours because

of all the delays, and we had to wait for a

REPLACEMENT crew to come in before we could

take off.

Now everyone at our gate was MAD, because what

was supposed to be an early flight was turning

into an OVERNIGHT one.

34

When the new flight crew finally arrived, they

didn’t look happy to be there. That’s probably

because they were expecting to spend Christmas Eve

at HOME, so I knew EXACTLY how they felt.

After the crew got on board, they started letting

passengers on the plane. My family got to go

first, because they let people with young kids board

before anyone else. But the gate agent stopped me

at the door.

35

She said my carry-on bag was too big to fit in

the overhead bin, so it had to go down below with

the rest of the luggage. That was fine with ME,

because I didn’t want to deal with my bag on the

plane anyway.

When I got on board, I was pretty impressed.

The seats were a LOT bigger than I expected,

and they were covered in real leather.

I asked Mom what row we were in, but she said we

needed to keep moving. She said this was the first-

class section, and our seats were in ECONOMY.

36

But the economy section wasn’t HALF as nice as

first class. The seats were packed together, and

they barely had any cushioning.

Mom said our seats were toward the middle of

the plane, so we headed there. But Dad hung

back in the first-class section. He said he got

UPGRADED because of all his frequent-flier miles

and that he’d catch up with us after we landed.

37

Mom didn’t seem happy about this news. She said

it wasn’t fair for him to be in first class while we

were in economy, so she said we’d all take TURNS

sitting in Dad’s seat during the flight.

But Dad said the rest of us weren’t experienced

travelers like him, and we wouldn’t even know how

to ACT in first class.

Luckily, there were other passengers trying to

board, so Mom and Dad couldn’t get into a full-

blown argument right there in the aisle. Dad sat

down in his seat, and we went to find ours.

The rest of us were all in the same row. Mom,

Rodrick, and Manny sat on one side of the aisle,

and I had the middle seat on the OTHER side.

38

Rodrick tried to get me to switch with him so he

didn’t have to sit by Manny, but I was happy

right where I was. I didn’t have a whole lot of

leg room, but other than that, it wasn’t so bad.

All the other passengers boarded after us, and

people seemed pretty stressed trying to get their

stuff into the overhead bins. So I was glad they

took MY bag at the gate.

Everyone put away their bags and sat down in

their seats. The pilot made an announcement that

the doors were closing, and the seats to my left

and right were still empty.

I couldn’t believe my luck. As soon as we took

off, I was gonna stretch out across all three

seats and get myself a good night’s sleep.

It was even BETTER than being in first class.

But right before the doors closed, one more couple

got on board. And they had a BABY with them.

40

I didn’t think these people would be in my row,

because there were only TWO empty seats. But

the baby sat in his mother’s LAP.

See, if I were in charge of the airline, the rule

would be one person per seat. Because if this

couple had TWINS, it would’ve been completely

out of hand.

I asked these parents if one of them wanted to

switch seats with me so they could be next to each

other. But the mother said she liked the window,

and her husband said he liked to be on the aisle.

41

Right after that, the pilot came on the intercom.

He said that before we took off, there’d be a

brief safety video to show us what to do in case of

an emergency.

I was already nervous about flying to begin

with, and I didn’t like hearing there might be an

“emergency.” So when the safety video played, I

paid ATTENTION.

But as far as I could tell, I was the only person

who DID. Everybody else completely tuned out.

The beginning of the video was just basic stuff,

like how to fasten a seatbelt.

42

But after that, it got SERIOUS.

The video’s narrator said that if there was a

“loss in cabin pressure,” oxygen masks would drop

from the ceiling. Well, I don’t know what “cabin

pressure” is, but I didn’t like hearing that we

might LOSE it.

The people in the video didn’t look bothered at

ALL when the oxygen masks dropped down,

though. In fact, they looked kind of HAPPY

about it.

Then the video got even WORSE. The narrator

said that in case of a “water landing,” we’d need

to evacuate the plane.

43

Now I was REALLY freaked out. I thought

the whole point of an airplane was that it was

supposed to stay in the AIR.

The safety video said there were emergency exits

on the plane and the people sitting in the exit

rows would need to open the doors so everybody

could get out.

The emergency exit was one row behind me, and

I realized the people sitting there weren’t paying

attention to the video at ALL. So I got them

to put down their magazines and listen up.

The flight attendants didn’t seem bothered that

no one was watching the safety video. I figured

they probably had their OWN exits, so if there

was any trouble, I was gonna follow THEM.

The video showed the plane in the water with

inflatable slides coming off the emergency exits.

And they actually made it look FUN.

45

Then the video said our seat cushions doubled as

“flotation devices,” and each one had a whistle

attached to it. Now I had questions, so I

pressed the button above my seat to get the

flight attendant to come over.

What I wanted to know was, if we landed in

shark-infested waters, would it really be such a

good idea to blow the whistle? It felt to ME

like we’d basically be inviting the sharks over for a

free lunch.

The flight attendant said I didn’t need to

worry, because all the seat cushions were coated

with shark repellent, so they wouldn’t even come

near us.

I was pretty happy to hear that, but now I’m

wondering if he was pulling my leg.

I don’t really get the point of the whistles,

though. It’s not like anybody’s gonna hear them

if you’re in the middle of the ocean.

And if you’re lucky enough to have a cruise

ship pass by, believe me, THOSE guys aren’t

stopping to pick you up.

47

After the safety video was over, I felt

exhausted, and we hadn’t even taken OFF yet.

But a few seconds later, the plane started rolling

down the tarmac, and the next thing I knew, we

were in the AIR.

I’m not gonna lie—I had my eyes shut during

the whole takeoff. And I didn’t even realize I

was holding my breath until I almost passed out.

Once we leveled off, the couple sitting in my row

started feeding their baby.

48

I was ALREADY nauseous from the takeoff, and

the smell of mushy peas didn’t help things.

I thought I might actually throw up, but I

didn’t know what to DO. Then I noticed this

white paper bag in the seat pocket in front of me,

and I figured out that’s exactly what it’s FOR.

49

The flight attendant already seemed annoyed with

me, though, so I knew he wouldn’t be too happy

if I handed him a bag of vomit.

Somehow I managed to get through the feeding

without throwing up. But I wish I could say the

same thing for the BABY.

After the lady cleaned it up, she reached into

her bag and gave the baby a couple of toys to

play with.

50

One of the toys was a plastic hammer. And as

soon as the baby got that thing in its hand, it

started pounding on the WINDOW.

I’ve heard that if a window on a plane breaks,

everything inside gets sucked OUTSIDE. And

that didn’t really seem like a good way to go.

So when the lady’s head was turned, I swiped the

hammer from the baby and tucked it under my seat.

51

Unfortunately, that set the baby off.

It turns out nobody likes a crying baby on a

plane, and everyone started shooting us dirty

looks. Luckily, the lady had a bottle in her bag,

and that quieted the kid down for a while.

I was getting kind of hungry myself, so I

pressed the button for the flight attendant and

asked when we could expect to get FED. But he

said meals were only for first-class passengers,

and he gave me a bag of peanuts to hold me over.

52

That’s when I remembered the snacks I’d bought

before we got on the plane. But THEN I

remembered that they were in my carry-on bag,

which was stowed down below.

I guess Mom must’ve been thinking about food,

too. Because as soon as the pilot said we had

reached our “cruising altitude” and we were free to

move about the cabin, Mom unbuckled her seatbelt

and went up to first class with Manny, just in

time for dinner.

I felt something cold and clammy touch my left

elbow, and then something ELSE touched my

RIGHT one. The guy behind me had taken off

his shoes and socks and slid his feet through

the spaces between the seats.

53

So I guess this guy decided it was OK to use my

ARMRESTS as his FOOTRESTS.

I was starting to feel boxed in, and then the

person in the seat in front of me tilted his seat

all the way back, so it was just a few inches from

my face.

I tried to tilt MY seat back, but I couldn’t find

the button to do it.

54

So I called the flight attendant and asked him

where the button was. But he told me the seats

in our row didn’t tilt back because they’d block the

emergency row.

Now I was starting to SWEAT. I thought

I’d read a magazine to take my mind off feeling

trapped, but the only thing in the seat pocket

was a catalog for all this stuff no one needs.

55

The people on either side of me were watching a

movie, so I figured I’d turn my screen on and

check it out. The movie looked like a comedy, but

my headphones were in my bag, and it was hard

to understand what was going on without them.

I changed the channel to see what ELSE there

was to watch. One channel had a show for little

kids, and the baby next to me got interested in

what was on my screen. And when I changed it

to something else, the kid started BAWLING.

56

When I changed the channel BACK, the baby

stopped crying.

I guess I would’ve been OK with letting the kid

watch the show, but the screen was WAY too

close to my face. And the colors on the show were

so bright that even when I put on the eye mask

that was in the seat pocket, I could STILL

see everything that was happening.

When the show finally ended, the baby started

crying again. But there was no WAY I was

gonna keep watching the show on repeat for the

rest of the night.

So I decided it was the perfect time to take my

shift up in first class.

57

But Rodrick noticed I was trying to make a

move, and he got out of his seat before I had a

chance to. And once he was up in first class, I

knew I’d have to wait a while before I could swap

places with him.

When Mom and Manny came back to their seats,

I saw the door to the cockpit open behind them,

and the pilot stepped out.

I thought there might be some kind of an

EMERGENCY, so I pressed the button and

asked the flight attendant what was going on.

He said the pilot just needed to stretch his legs

and use the bathroom, and the co-pilot had

everything under control.

58

I didn’t like the fact that we were down to one

pilot, even if it was just for a few minutes.

Personally, I don’t think two pilots is ENOUGH,

even when they’re BOTH in the cockpit. I guess

the idea is that if one of them has a heart attack,

then the other one is supposed to fly the plane.

But I asked the flight attendant what happens

if the OTHER pilot freaks out and has a heart

attack, too.

The flight attendant told me not to worry,

because these planes are so high-tech they can

practically fly THEMSELVES.

59

Well, I’ve heard pilots make a lot of money,

so if what the flight attendant was saying is

TRUE, then this could be the career for ME.

Once the pilot got out of the bathroom, I

figured it would be a good idea for me to go, too.

The only problem was, the man to my right was

asleep, and I couldn’t get over the guy without

waking him up. So I went UNDER him, and

believe me, that wasn’t a lot of fun.

60

I walked toward the front of the plane, but

before I even got to the first-class section, the

flight attendant told me that economy passengers

have to use the restroom in the BACK.

The bathroom in the economy section was really

small, but being in there was a HUNDRED times

better than being stuck in my seat. It was sort

of like a tiny little apartment I had all to myself.

61

In science class, we learned that when human

waste gets dropped out of an airplane toilet, it

freezes solid. Some guy in my town once found a

chunk of waste that fell from a plane, and he

thought it was a METEORITE.

I think the guy was hoping to sell it for a lot of

money, but once the thing thawed he found out

what he had was totally worthless.

62

Once I was settled into the bathroom, I figured

there was no reason to go back to my seat. So

whenever someone ELSE came along to use it, I

just made bathroom noises until they went away.

One person must’ve really needed to go, because

they shook the door handle so hard that I

thought it might actually break OFF. Then they

went away. But a few minutes later, the whole

BATHROOM shook.

63

Whoever this was needed to use the bathroom a

lot more than I did, so I opened the door. But

there was no one THERE. That’s when I realized

it wasn’t just the bathroom shaking, it was the

whole PLANE.

I thought we must’ve landed in the water or lost

an engine or something. But then the pilot came

over the intercom.

64

That didn’t sound right to ME. I figured what

REALLY happened was that the pilot fell asleep

in his seat and kicked the steering wheel or

something, and then he came up with this “bumpy

air” excuse. Because that’s EXACTLY what I’d

do if I were in the same situation.

I guess the flight attendant could see that I

was pretty rattled. He said we were just going

through a little “turbulence,” which was perfectly

normal for a flight like this.

65

Well, if this kind of thing is NORMAL, then

there’s no chance I’m ever becoming a pilot.

Because if I were flying the plane, I’d be out of

there at the first sign of trouble.

The flight attendant told me I needed to return

to my seat and buckle up. But when I got back

there, it was already occupied.

I didn’t want to move the baby, because I knew it

would just wake up and start crying again.

66

So I went up to the front of the plane to kick

Rodrick out of first class and let HIM deal with

the baby. But I couldn’t GET to him. One of the

wheels on the beverage cart had broken because of

the turbulence, and it was blocking my way.

I was out of options, so I went back to my seat.

Don’t ask me how, but I was actually able to get

an hour or two of sleep. And I was so tired, I

didn’t even wake up when we landed.

67

Tuesday

I was so worried about getting through the

flight that I never thought about where we were

actually GOING. But when I stepped off the

plane, it was like walking into a whole new world.

I’ve gotta admit, as soon as I felt that tropical

air hit my skin, I could understand why Dad was

so eager to escape the cold back home.

68

We got our luggage off the conveyor belt in

baggage claim, then followed the signs to where a

big shuttle bus was waiting.

Even though the air outside felt GREAT, the

air-conditioning on the bus felt even BETTER.

And the seats in this thing were nicer than the

ones in first class.

69

Once all the passengers boarded the bus, we headed

to the resort. A video played on the overhead

monitors, and it was about a MILLION times

more fun than the one on the plane.

The video showed all the cool activities at the

resort, and I wanted to do them ALL.

One of the activities was swimming with dolphins,

and that’s something I’ve ALWAYS wanted to do.

But there was a bunch of OTHER stuff that

looked cool, too. I was hoping they might let us

COMBINE activities so I could do everything

before we had to go back home.

I felt kind of bad for being so negative about

this trip up until then, and I turned around to

tell Mom and Dad I was sorry. But I wish I

had just kept watching the video instead.

71

When we stepped off the bus at the resort,

the staff greeted us and handed Mom and Dad

frozen drinks.

We gave our bags to these guys wearing white

gloves, and they said they’d take them directly to

our room. And I gotta say, I was IMPRESSED.

We went to the front desk, and the lady there

explained how everything worked. She said the

resort was “all-inclusive,” so we didn’t need to use

cash or credit cards.

72

The way we paid for stuff was with these plastic

cards that doubled as our room keys.

Mom and Dad told the receptionist they wanted

to stay in the same building they’d stayed in for

their honeymoon, but the lady said the resort had

CHANGED since then. She said that now, the

resort was split into two halves, the “Wild Side”

and the “Mild Side.”

The place Mom and Dad had stayed was on the

Wild Side, and kids aren’t allowed over there. So

she showed us where our building was on the map.

73

74

I could tell Dad was disappointed by the changes,

but Mom said it was BETTER this way. She said

this was a FAMILY trip, and we didn’t need to

be around a bunch of young couples partying,

anyway.

I didn’t really care WHICH side of the resort

we were on, because it looked to me like both sides

had the same basic stuff. What I really cared

about was the ROOM.

Usually when my family stays at a hotel, we all

share a room, and I have to sleep on a cot or a

sofa bed. So I was pretty shocked to find out we

were in a SUITE with PLENTY of space.

75

There were two rooms in the suite. We all had to

share one bathroom, but me and Rodrick each had

our own BED, which was the main thing. All I

can say is, Mom and Dad must’ve dropped a LOT

of money on this trip.

There was a TV in the room I was sharing with

Rodrick, but even better than that, there was a

ROBE in the closet.

76

I called the robe right away, but Rodrick didn’t

even fight me for it.

Rodrick always makes fun of me when I wear

Mom’s robe back at home. But I think robes are

COOL, and there are a lot of guys out there

who would agree with me on that.

The shower in the bathroom was HUGE, and all

the floors and sinks and everything were made of

marble. There was a TV above the bathtub, and

there was even a PHONE next to the toilet.

I figured if I could get room service delivered to

the bathroom, I’d have everything I needed in

one place.

From the balcony in Mom and Dad’s room, I could

see the pool over on the Wild Side of the resort,

and it was really big.

It wasn’t just some regular pool, either. It

looked kind of like a river and had all these islands

in the middle of it. Mom said it was one of the

biggest “free-form” pools in the WORLD.

78

I was pretty excited about that, because I

knew we had the same thing on OUR side of the

resort. I wanted to go check it out, but first I

needed to change my clothes.

I went to open the big suitcase, but it was

LOCKED. I asked Dad for the key, but he

said our suitcase didn’t HAVE a lock. Dad looked

at the tag on the suitcase, and it had someone

ELSE’S name on it.

It turns out we had accidentally grabbed the

wrong suitcase from baggage claim at the airport.

Before it was too late, Dad called the airline to

see if they still had OUR suitcase.

79

But the people at the airline said that since no

one had claimed our bag, it was sent back to the

address on the luggage tag.

It wasn’t a TOTAL disaster, though. We’d moved

some clothes from the big suitcase to our carry-on

bags back at the airport, so we had a few things.

I had my bathing suit, but I didn’t have a lot

of OTHER stuff. My flip-flops and sunglasses

were in the big bag, along with a bunch of other

things I had packed. Dad said they sell the

stuff we were missing at the resort store, so we

went down to check it out.

80

But everything in the store cost five times as

much as it would’ve back home, and Dad said he

wasn’t gonna pay those prices.

Mom said we could wear the same clothes every day

and wash them ourselves. So the only thing we

bought in there was a bottle of sunscreen and a

toy pail and shovel for Manny to use at the beach.

Mom said it’s really important to wear sunscreen

at a place like this, because it’s so close to the

equator. But she didn’t have to convince ME. I’ve

seen what the sun can do to your skin, and I

don’t wanna look like a raisin when I’m older.

81

That’s the reason I spend as much time indoors

as I can. And later on in life, all my friends are

gonna wish THEY had, too.

I thought the fact that we came during Christmas

break meant we’d have the place to ourselves. But I

guess a lot of people had the exact same idea.

It wasn’t just the POOL that was crowded,

though. There were people EVERYWHERE. I

was really looking forward to relaxing in the hot

tub until I saw it.

We found a few lounge chairs in the shade and put

our stuff down. You could tell it was the middle of

winter, because just about everyone looked out of

shape, just like me.

Every once in a while, I think about exercising

and getting really buff. But in the future, I’ll

bet everyone will just be able to take a pill and

get fit without having to exercise, anyway.

Being in great shape will be NORMAL, and

all the people who AREN’T fit will be the ones

everyone’s attracted to. So if I just stick with

my current exercise plan, I’ll be all set.

84

The pool was too crowded to go swimming, so I

decided to just put a towel over my head and

catch up on some sleep.

Even though it was hot out, there was a nice

breeze, and I started to drift off. But right

in the middle of my nap, some guy showed up and

ruined the whole vibe.

This guy called himself the “Director of Fun,”

and apparently his job was to get everybody

MOVING.

85

Unfortunately, this guy was good at his job, and

somehow he roped ME into one of the activities.

86

But I wished he HADN’T, because there was a

lot more touching than I was comfortable with.

After the conga line ended, the Director of Fun

said the next activity was the “Treasure Dive,”

and it was just for kids. I wasn’t interested

in doing some stupid kiddie thing, so I sat back

down. But when he hauled out a giant bucket of

COINS, that got my attention.

He told all us kids to line up at the edge of the

pool, and then he started tossing giant handfuls

of cash into the water. And it wasn’t a bunch of

PENNIES, either.

87

It was dimes and quarters, and I’m pretty sure

I saw some SILVER DOLLARS in there, too.

By the time the bucket was empty, there must’ve

been four hundred bucks sitting at the bottom

of the pool. Everyone waited along the edge

for the Director of Fun to blow his whistle.

88

When he did, it was a total free-for-all.

I managed to get about two dollars in coins on

my first dive, and I put them at the edge of the

pool near my lounge chair. But some sneaky kid

swooped in and cleaned me out.

He wasn’t the ONLY cheater, though. Some kid

in the pool was actually wearing PANTS, and he

stuffed his pockets FULL of coins.

89

That gave everyone ELSE the same idea, and now

kids were stuffing coins wherever they COULD.

When it was all over, I think I ended up with

about three bucks in change. After the kids cleared

out of the pool, I figured it was a good time to

get in the water and go for a relaxing swim.

90

I found a shady spot in the pool and leaned

against the wall. But then I heard some rustling

in the bushes behind me, and all of a sudden I

was face-to-face with something that looked like

it came straight from Jurassic Park.

I was out of there so fast, I actually SKIPPED

across the water.

91

I told the lifeguard there was some kind of

DINOSAUR at the edge of the pool and he

needed to clear everyone out of there before

someone got HURT.

But the lifeguard didn’t even seem fazed. He said

the giant lizard was just an IGUANA, and they’re

all OVER the resort. Then he said that sometimes

the iguanas even like to go for a dip in the pool.

Well, that changed EVERYTHING for me. My

feeling on giant lizards is that they should be in a

ZOO, not mingling with us human beings.

I was DONE with the pool, so I asked Mom if

we could get some lunch.

92

She thought that was a good idea, and we found

a place nearby that had an outdoor patio.

But the outdoor thing ended up being a problem.

First of all, there weren’t just iguanas at this

place. There were geckos, salamanders, and who-

knows-WHAT-else peeking out of the bushes.

It wasn’t just LIZARDS, either. There were

SLUGS, too, and we had to keep flicking them

off the table with our utensils.

The waiter poured us glasses of water from a

pitcher, but Mom told us all not to drink it.

She said our stomachs aren’t used to the microbes

in the water down here, so we needed to get

BOTTLED water instead.

93

But Dad said he’d be FINE because he’s traveled

all over the place and his stomach could handle

ANYTHING.

I wasn’t gonna risk it, though. I ordered a can

of soda and poured it into a glass, and I got a

burger and some fries, too.

When our food came, a few birds landed in the

trees around our table. At first I was OK with

it, because when the birds flew in, the lizards ran

back into the bushes.

94

Then a bird that looked like it had an injured

leg or something started hopping around on the

ground near our table.

But it was all a big TRICK. The second we

turned our heads to look at the bird on the

ground, all the OTHER birds swooped in and

went after our food.

95

We chased the birds off, but not before they

got away with half our food. The only thing

the birds DIDN’T touch was our drinks. It

didn’t matter, though. Some slugs were helping

themselves to my soda, but luckily I noticed

them before I took a sip.

I thought this place was supposed to be

PARADISE, but so far it was a NIGHTMARE.

All I wanted to do was go back to the room and

STAY there, but Mom said we were just getting

started exploring the resort. Then Dad said he

wanted to go back to the room, too. He said he

wasn’t feeling so hot and we could all probably use

some rest after that flight.

96

We headed back to our building, but Dad had to

make a pit stop at the restroom in the lobby.

Then he had to go AGAIN in the bathroom

next to the gym. So I guess Mom was right

about the water.

The rest of the day wasn’t much fun for ANY Of

us. When we finally made it back to our suite, Dad

shut himself in the bathroom, and Mom sent me

down to the store to get him some medicine for

his stomach.

But the labels weren’t in English, so I got

him something that either CURES diarrhea or

CAUSES it.

97

The medicine didn’t seem to work, so we had to

listen to Dad moaning and groaning all night.

I put on a movie in my room to try and drown out

the sound. But my room was open to the outside,

so the second I turned on the TV, a bunch of

moths flew in and swarmed the screen.

98

We had to turn off the television AND all the

lamps in the suite so the moths would fly back

outside. Me and Rodrick ended up spending half

the night just sitting there in the dark.

I was pretty tired anyway, so I figured I’d try

to get a good night’s sleep. But as soon as I got

into bed, the music started up on the Wild Side of

the resort. And those guys partied all NIGHT.

The crazy thing is, until that point I had

forgotten that it was actually CHRISTMAS. I

didn’t know where this vacation was headed, but it

seemed to me that there was nowhere to go but UP.

99

Wednesday

I probably could’ve slept for fourteen hours, but

I was awake at the crack of dawn because of the

racket a bunch of tropical birds were making right

outside my window.

When I got out of bed, Mom was already awake.

She said Dad spent all night in the bathroom

and that we needed to leave so he could catch up

on his sleep.

I was definitely ready for a fresh start, so I

put on my bathing suit and headed for the door.

But Mom said me and Rodrick needed to make our

beds and straighten up the room.

100

I reminded Mom that we were on vacation, and

the maid service would handle that for us. But she

said that we weren’t gonna live like ANIMALS

just because we were on vacation.

I told Mom that the best part of being on

vacation was having someone else clean up after

you, but Mom said that this week we were gonna

clean up after OURSELVES. Then she put the

“Do Not Disturb” sign on the door so the maid

wouldn’t even come into the room.

101

I asked Mom how we were supposed to get clean

towels and sheets, and she said we’d wash them in

the bathroom sinks, the same way we were washing

our clothes.

So Mom wasn’t joking around about us doing our own

laundry. In fact, Manny was in the sink scrubbing

a pair of Dad’s underwear, and I’m pretty sure he

was using Rodrick’s toothbrush to do it.

Personally, I think the best thing about staying

in a hotel is getting clean towels and sheets every

day. But Mom said hotels go through a ton of

laundry detergent, and if we reused our towels and

sheets, we’d be saving the environment.

102

That’s when I noticed there were cards all over

the bathroom that made you feel guilty about

asking for clean stuff.

Mom said we should all head down to the beach,

but I wanted to hang back and take a shower.

The truth is I wanted to take my TIME in

there, and I knew if she was in the suite, she’d

hassle me about using too much hot water.

103

What was crazy about the shower was that it was

completely open to the outdoors. It took a minute

to get USED to that, because I was worried

someone might peek over the wall.

I guess there are people who are comfortable

being naked right out in the open, but trust me,

I’m not one of them.

I don’t think it’s right that you’re BORN

naked, because right away you’re put in an

embarrassing situation.

104

Once I got used to this open-air shower thing,

though, I was ADDICTED. The shower had

all these different settings, like “pulse” and

“massage.” I tried out every single one, but

“rainfall” was probably my favorite.

I must’ve stayed in there for forty-five minutes.

When I was done, I stepped out of the shower

and put on my robe. But when I tried to put on

my right slipper, there was something blocking

my foot.

105

I held the slipper up and shook it, and a giant

SPIDER dropped out.

This was no ORDINARY spider, though. That

thing was as big as my HAND. When it fell to

the floor, I climbed up on the sink so I wasn’t

on the same level as it.

106

I’ve had a thing about spiders ever since I was

seven years old. One summer when I was in our

garage, I found something in the corner that

looked like a cotton ball, and I poked it with a

broom handle.

Well, it wasn’t a cotton ball. It was an EGG SAC,

and it was filled with thousands of baby SPIDERS.

When I started school in the fall, the teacher had

us fill out worksheets where one of the questions

was what we wanted to be when we grew up.

Everybody wrote “astronaut” and “veterinarian” and

and stuff like that. But not ME.

107

Nowadays, whenever I see a spider, it takes me

right back to when I was seven. I don’t even like

READING about spiders.

I’ll tell you this—if I were one of the characters

in “Charlotte’s Web,” it would’ve been a very

short book.

108

I figured with MY luck, the giant spider on

the bathroom floor was VENOMOUS. I’ve

read that some spiders bite their prey, then

wrap them up so they can eat them alive, which

does NOT sound like a whole lot of fun.

For some reason, the spider wasn’t making a move.

Either it thought it was camouflaged on the marble

floor and I couldn’t SEE it, or it was trying to

figure out what to do next, just like I was.

I thought about throwing my slipper at it, but I

was nervous I might miss and make it MAD. And

even if I DID hit it, the slipper probably wouldn’t

have done any damage to this thing.

109

I called out for Dad to come help me, but all

I got back was a weak groan from his bedroom.

That’s when I remembered the PHONE. I dialed

911

, but I just got some prerecorded message.

The phone had all these other buttons, but none

of the options were a great fit for the situation

I was in. So I pressed the one for “Room

Service,” because I figured that was close enough.

110

A lady answered, and I told her about the spider

problem and how I needed her to send someone

QUICK. But either I was talking too fast or

there was some language confusion, because all she

kept asking for was my BREAKFAST order.

Eventually, I gave up and just ordered scrambled

eggs and a side of bacon. I honestly didn’t care

WHAT it took to get someone to come, as long as

they came FAST.

When I hung up the phone, the noise jolted the

spider, which ran across the floor and stopped

right in front of the sink.

Now this thing was even CLOSER, and I was

too scared to move.

111

I stood frozen for about fifteen minutes, barely

breathing. But then the phone rang, and the sound

surprised me so much I almost lost my balance.

It was the room service waiter. He said he had

come to our suite to deliver my food, but there

was a “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door, so he

turned around and went back to the kitchen.

112

I told him to come BACK to the room and that he

had permission to kick down the door if he wanted.

When I hung up the phone, the spider started

running around again, and I was worried it was

gonna figure out where I was and come get me.

I looked around to see if there was anything I

could use to DEFEND myself, but the only thing

within arm’s reach was a glass on the sink.

I realized that if the spider came close enough,

I might be able to TRAP it. Sure enough, it ran

right beneath me. And when it did, I managed

to drop the glass on top of it.

113

The spider wriggled around inside the glass, but it

couldn’t get OUT. I got down off the sink real

slow and backed out of the bathroom, keeping one

eye on the spider. But when I turned to leave, I

smashed right into the WAITER.

All the noise got the spider moving again, and

it took the glass WITH it. At first I wasn’t

worried, because it was still trapped inside. Then

it crawled over the DRAIN where the floor

dipped down a little, and that gave it just

enough space to wiggle OUT.

That’s when I found out the room service guy had

the same problem with spiders that I did.

I knew it was up to me to deal with this thing,

so I tried to trap it with the cover for the food.

But the spider was zigzagging all OVER the

place, and it wasn’t easy.

115

Finally, I caught the spider by pinning it against

the wall. I didn’t really know what to do NEXT,

because the second I lifted the food cover, that

thing was gonna be off and running again.

Then I noticed that one of the spider’s legs was

sticking halfway out from under the lid.

I tried to move the lid to cover the whole spider,

but I guess I pressed too hard, because the leg

fell OFF.

The spider dropped onto the floor, and now it

was going NUTS. I was running around on my

tiptoes, trying to make sure I didn’t get BIT.

Then the spider made a HUGE mistake. It climbed

onto the rim of the toilet, and I knocked it in

the bowl with my slipper and slammed the lid shut.

Then the room service guy finished it off.

I gotta say, the two of us made a pretty good

team. And if I ever DO start that exterminator

business, I might have to look this guy up.

117

After my encounter with the spider, I was

pretty eager to get out of the room. I grabbed

the map of the resort to find my way to the

beach, but I got lost and ended up at the wall

that separates the two sides.

I guess I understand why they’d wanna keep

kids off the other side. But if you ask me, it kind

of seemed like overkill.

118

I started to wonder if the room keys were

actually tracking devices. That way, if any kids

snuck over, they could put a stop to it.

When I got to the beach, it was PACKED with

families. I decided the real reason the wall was

built was to protect the couples on the OTHER

side from seeing what was happening on OUR side.

Because if they knew what they were in for, there’s

no CHANCE they’d have kids of their own.

Mom had rented one of those covered cabanas for

our family to share. I wasn’t crazy about the idea

of sharing a BED with the rest of my family. But

I talked myself into it, because at least I’d be

out of the sun.

120

I remembered the beach cabanas from the video

they played on the shuttle bus. They showed some

couple having a romantic time watching the sun set.

Well, maybe that’s how it was on the OTHER

side of the resort, but on OURS, it was a

whole different story.

121

Mom told me and Rodrick she was taking Manny

to the bathroom and that we needed to stay in

the cabana. Mom said she got the last one and if

we gave it up, somebody else would grab it.

One of the families that was waiting was WAY

overdressed for the beach. I recognized the older

kid from the Treasure Dive the day before. I

guess nobody told these people you’re not supposed

to wear winter clothes in ninety-degree weather.

This family looked like they could really use some

shade, and I felt kind of guilty. So I tried not to

make eye contact.

122

Eventually, Mom and Manny came back, and Manny

ran off to collect seashells.

Mom broke out the sunscreen and started putting

it on me and Rodrick. I was glad Dad wasn’t

there, because he always gets mad when Mom does

things for us that he thinks we should be able to

do for OURSELVES.

I actually think this is all part of Mom’s plan.

I figure she doesn’t want us to become too

independent, because then we won’t NEED her

later on. I do think it could BACKFIRE on

Mom, though.

123

Because if things keep going the way they’re

going now, there’s a good chance me and Rodrick

will go off to college not even knowing how to clip

our own toenails.

This is one of the ways animals are different from

people. In school I learned that once a bear cub

is about a year and a half old, its mother sends it

out into the wild to take care of itself.

124

But human beings live with their parents for

eighteen YEARS before they’re ready to go off

into the world.

If I’m ever a parent, I’m gonna be like the

BEARS. First of all, I’m not gonna spend a lot

of time teaching my kids useless information, like

the ABCs and colors and shapes.

The second my kid is old enough to cross the

street safely and place an order at a fast-food

restaurant, he’s gonna be out of the house.

After Mom lathered Rodrick up, she told him he

should go to the Teen Zone and try to connect

with some kids his age.

125

I didn’t think Rodrick would be interested, but he

went to check it out. That got Mom all excited,

and she said I should hang out with the tweens,

who were on the beach doing a scavenger hunt.

But it was pretty obvious to me that the “scavenger

hunt” was really just a beach cleanup in disguise, and

I didn’t want any PART in that.

When Rodrick left I was glad, because that

meant more room in the cabana for ME. But a

minute later Dad showed up looking really pale.

126

I thought he might still be dealing with stomach

issues, but it wasn’t that. He said when he went

to use the toilet in our room, there was a giant

SPIDER underneath the seat. So I guess we

didn’t get rid of it after all.

I asked Dad what happened NEXT, and he said

he whacked the spider with a bathrobe that was

on the floor. So there goes any chance I’m gonna

wear THAT thing again.

I asked him if he KILLED the spider, and he

said he wasn’t sure. He said the spider VANISHED

after he hit it.

127

Well, Dad’s story pretty much guaranteed that I

wouldn’t be using our BATHROOM again, either.

Luckily, there was an outdoor shower by the pool.

Dad seemed pretty shaken up by what happened

with the spider, and Mom said he should lie

down and take a few deep breaths. That’s when

Manny came back with his beach pail, and he

showed Mom what he had collected.

I think Mom was expecting there to be a bunch

of seashells in the bucket, but it was filled to the

brim with hermit crabs, snails, and all sorts of

OTHER living things.

128

And now these creatures were crawling all over our

MATTRESS.

Mom scooped up the critters into the bucket

and told Manny he couldn’t keep these things as

PETS, but he didn’t seem to understand. Then

she took the bucket down to the water to let

them go.

Mom needed a way to distract Manny, so she took

him down to the Activities Hut to see what kind

of stuff they had for little kids. I wanted to do

more than just lie around in a cabana all day, so

I tagged along with Mom.

129

The one activity I really had my heart set on was

swimming with dolphins. And the main reason I

wanted to do THAT was so I’d have something to

rub in Rowley’s face when I got back home.

But the guy at the Activities Hut said that

swimming with dolphins was really popular and it

was totally booked. Mom asked if we could sign up

for the NEXT day, but the guy told her it was

sold out for the whole WEEK.

130

That wasn’t the worst part, either. All the really

FUN stuff, like jet skiing and parasailing, was

only available on the Wild Side. And all the LAME

activities were on the Mild Side.

But Mom didn’t seem bothered. She signed us up

for TWO activities, the banana boat and the

turtle hatching.

Mom was ESPECIALLY excited about the banana

boat. She said we could use the picture as our

family Christmas card and send it out to everyone

when we got back home.

131

It seemed like a pretty corny idea to ME, but I

guess nothing could be as bad as the Christmas

card Rowley’s family sent this year.

Mom told me I needed to go get Rodrick, so I

used the map to find my way to the Teen Zone.

But I probably could’ve found it WITHOUT a map.

Some of the teens were playing volleyball in the

pool, and Rodrick was one of them. But the game

was paused because one of the girls got her lip

ring stuck in the net, and Rodrick was helping

her get untangled.

133

I told Rodrick we needed to go, but he didn’t

seem to be in any hurry to leave. I finally got him

to come with me, but I practically had to DRAG

him away from his volleyball game.

We met everyone else down by the water, where

they were getting fitted for life jackets. Mom

gave her camera to the guy who was helping

them and asked him to snap a picture when we

passed by.

We got in the water and climbed aboard the

banana boat, which was attached to a speedboat

by a rope. We gave the driver the thumbs-up

signal, and we took off.

134

Once we left the shallow water, we started to pick

up speed. The water was kind of choppy, so it was

hard holding on. Then we hit a big wave, and all

three of us boys went flying off. The driver had

to circle around so we could get back on.

When we got moving again, we went through the

area where they had a water trampoline, and kids

started using our banana boat as a TARGET.

135

Then one stupid kid landed smack in the middle of

our boat and PUNCTURED it.

The banana boat was losing air fast, and the driver

had to tow us back to shore. The guy that Mom

gave her camera to took a picture, but I kind of

doubt we’re gonna use it for our Christmas card.

136

After we dried off, Mom said we should get some

lunch. But the couple from the plane had already

taken our cabana, and eating outdoors again

didn’t seem like such a good idea anyway.

I realized we hadn’t eaten a real meal for two

DAYS, and I didn’t wanna eat anywhere that I

had to worry about animals attacking my food.

Dad said we should go to the golf clubhouse,

because it was the only indoor restaurant on the

resort. Everyone seemed to like that idea, so

that’s where we went.

137

But when we got to the clubhouse, the manager

said they couldn’t serve us. He said the clubhouse

had a dress code and that guys had to wear

collared shirts and women had to wear dresses.

Dad told the manager we didn’t HAVE those

things, and the manager said that we could

purchase them at the gift shop. But Dad said

collared shirts cost fifty dollars each and there

was no WAY he was gonna buy four of them just

so we could have lunch.

So we had to find another place to eat. Rodrick

wanted to just have some hot dogs in the Teen

Zone, but Mom said she wanted to eat lunch as

a FAMILY.

138

I was pretty sure they served burgers and fries

at the swim-up bar at the pool, so we went there

to check it out. But I had second thoughts about

eating at the pool once we ordered. It was like

having a meal in a bathtub with a bunch of people

you don’t know.

And it wasn’t just PEOPLE, either. There was

actually a MONKEY sitting at the other end of

the bar.

139

Dad asked the bartender about the monkey, and

she told us the whole sad story. She said this

monkey used to live in a big tree on the resort with

a bunch of OTHER monkeys, and he was kind

of like their leader. But then this YOUNGER

monkey came along and kicked him out.

The monkey didn’t have any place to go, so one day

he came to the bar, and people started buying him

drinks. And he’s been coming back every day since.

I really didn’t know WHAT to think after

hearing a story like that.

140

All I knew for sure was that I didn’t feel great

about eating lunch while sitting in monkey water.

There was some sort of big sports game on the

TV, and everyone at the bar seemed really into

it. But somehow Manny ended up with the remote

control, and he changed the channel to a show

for little kids.

Everyone wanted Manny to change the channel

BACK, but when Manny wants to watch one of

his shows, trust me, there’s nothing ANYONE

can do about it.

141

The people at the bar were ready to RIOT, so

Mom scooped Manny up and we got out of there

before I even finished my burger.

Rodrick went back to the Teen Zone, and Mom

and Dad took Manny to the suite so he could take

a nap.

142

I really didn’t want to go back to the room and

risk running into that SPIDER again, so I decided

to spend the rest of the afternoon in the arcade.

I had to make the coins I’d collected in the

Treasure Dive last two and a half hours. But

there were some kids in the arcade who could’ve

lasted for DAYS in there without spending all of

their money.

When it started to get dark, I figured I

should head back to the room. But I ran into

Mom, Dad, and Manny on the footpath halfway

between the arcade and our building.

143

Mom said we were all gonna go down to a bonfire

on the beach, and after that, we were gonna

watch the turtle hatching. But first we needed

to find RODRICK.

This time we ALL went into the Teen Zone to

look for him. By now it was pretty dark, though,

so it wasn’t easy to spot him. But when we DID,

I don’t think he was too thrilled to see us.

On the way to the beach, Mom told Rodrick this

was a FAMILY vacation, and it wasn’t the time or

place for “teenage romance.”

144

Rodrick said this thing with the girl was

SERIOUS and they planned to spend as much

time as they could together.

I was kind of surprised, because I thought

Rodrick would be turned off by the whole idea of

romance after spending a few days at the resort.

Who knows? Maybe one day he’ll be back to this

place with HIS family.

We got down to the beach, where a bunch of

families had gathered around a bonfire. But the

experience wasn’t fun because of the BUGS. At

first it was the gnats, which flew in our eyes

and mouths.

Then it was the sand fleas, which bit our ankles.

And then it was the MOSQUITOES, which

were the size of hummingbirds.

Whoever came up with the idea of calling this place

“paradise” must’ve had a good sense of humor.

Back home, human beings are at the top of the

food chain. But at Isla de Corales, everything

eats PEOPLE.

146

I was definitely ready to go back to the room,

because at least THERE I only had to deal

with ONE bug. But then the nature guide came

through and said anyone who signed up to see the

turtle hatching needed to follow her to the dunes.

The nature guide explained what we were about to

see. She said that a mother turtle digs a hole in

the sand dunes and then lays eggs in it, and a few

months later, the eggs HATCH. Then the baby

turtles head to the ocean.

She showed us a little pile of white eggs buried in

the dunes and said there were LOTS of piles just

like this one. She said the problem was that we

don’t know exactly WHEN the eggs will hatch.

147

It was DARK out, and I was afraid I was

gonna accidentally step on an egg. So I took a

few steps back to get out of the way, and when

I did, something crunched under my foot.

Luckily, it was just a seashell. But still, my

stomach was in KNOTS.

I’m not a fan of reptiles in general, but I

decided I would make an exception for turtles.

Let’s face it: The only reason we were out there

to watch the baby turtles hatch was because

they’re CUTE.

Trust me, if this was a SNAKE hatching, it

would be a totally different situation.

Just when I was getting ready to tell Mom we

should give up and go back to our room, the eggs

started hatching one by one.

149

Everybody got really excited, but the nature guide

told us to stay quiet and get out of the way. She

said the turtles find their way to the ocean by

seeing the moonlight reflecting on the water.

But everyone ignored the nature guide and turned

on their cell phones, and the camera lights made

the turtles go every which way.

Mom was really enthusiastic, because she said we

were witnessing the “miracle of life.” She asked

where Rodrick was, but no one knew. Dad said

the last time he saw Rodrick, he was in the tall

grass in the dunes.

150

And that’s where we found him.

That SHOULD’VE been the end of the night,

but it wasn’t. When we got back to the room, we

found out that Manny had pocketed one of the

baby turtles while no one was looking, so Dad had to

bring it all the way back to the beach to set it free.

151

Thursday

I guess Mom wasn’t too happy with the way our

family vacation was going so far, because after

breakfast she said she was gonna take a “spa day.”

That sounded like a GREAT idea to me, and I

told Mom I was gonna tag along. I’ve always

wanted to get a massage, and I figured this was

my big chance.

But Mom said she needed time to HERSELF and

the rest of us were on our own. That meant WE

had to watch Manny.

152

Once Mom left, the three of us tried to figure

out what to do. Manny was too much to handle,

so I suggested we just drop him off at the

Toddlers’ Cabana and let the people who worked

there deal with him.

Dad liked that idea, because he said he wanted

to get in a workout at the gym. He told me and

Rodrick we were responsible for getting Manny to

the Toddlers’ Cabana, and then he left.

The path took us right past the wall that

separated our half from the Wild Side. I guess

some kids were trying to get a peek at what was

over there, but the landscapers put a stop to it.

153

I asked Rodrick what he thought was on the

other side, and he said he already KNEW. He

said some of his friends in the Teen Zone told

him that all SORTS of crazy stuff goes on

over there and there’s even a beach where people

sunbathe without any clothes on.

He said there’s a HOLE in the wall and if you look

through it, you can see the other side. But I

knew Rodrick was just trying to trick me, because

he’s told me this kind of thing BEFORE.

154

One summer when we were at the town pool, he

told me that if I peeked over this cinderblock

wall, I could see into the ladies’ locker room.

Well, I BELIEVED him, and I’ve been trying to

erase that image from my mind ever since.

We brought Manny to the Toddlers’ Cabana,

and the kids inside were making puppets. I told

the person in charge we were dropping our little

brother off for the day and we’d be back later.

The counselor said the only requirement for a

drop-off was that the kid was potty-trained,

and I told him that Manny WAS.

155

But Manny must really not have wanted to make

puppets, because he got himself out of it.

Rodrick said I had to watch Manny by MYSELF,

because he was gonna go check out the activities

in the Teen Zone. But I knew he was just going

there to meet up with that girl.

I was not happy that I got stuck with Manny.

I didn’t want to take him to the beach, because

he’d just start collecting pets again.

So I took him to the Pirate Playplace, which was

a splash zone for little kids.

156

It was actually PERFECT, because I could

relax on a lounge chair and keep an eye on Manny

while he played. I even ordered a grilled cheese

sandwich and some french fries from a waiter who

came by.

But I wasn’t able to enjoy my meal. Some kids on

the miniature pirate ship figured out that if they

blocked one of the water cannons, they could make

the other one shoot TWICE as far.

157

So I had to move to a lounge chair that was

farther away. But when I sat down, I realized

I had lost track of MANNY. I eventually

spotted him in the middle of the wading pool, all

by himself.

I knew I had to go in there and get him, but I

really didn’t WANT to. With the number of little

kids in the pool, I knew EXACTLY what was in

that water.

When I was little, I used to pee in the baby pool

all the TIME. In fact, there’s a framed photo of

me in the family room using the pool as a potty.

Mom says it’s her favorite picture of me, because

I look so HAPPY. But I’ve never told her WHY.

One summer, they put some chemical in the pool

that turned green if anyone peed. So that put an

end to THAT.

159

I needed to figure out a way to get to Manny

without touching the water, so I found a raft

and a pool noodle and paddled out to him.

But I only made it halfway across when a bunch

of little kids decided it would be fun to climb onto

my raft. I tried fighting them off with the

noodle, but there were just too MANY of them.

160

Then they teamed up to flip me OVER.

I got Manny out of the pool and then spent

twenty minutes scrubbing every inch of my body in

the outdoor shower.

But five seconds after I finished drying off,

I was WET again. The kids in the pirate ship

figured out that if they plugged TWO cannons,

they could get some SERIOUS range.

161

While I was drying off a SECOND time, we

bumped into Mom. And after her morning at the

spa, she seemed like a whole new person.

She said that while she was getting her massage,

she came up with a GREAT idea for how we could

spend time as a family. She booked a private cruise

for all of us, and she said the boat was gonna be

at the dock in half an hour.

162

That wasn’t a lot of time, so we had to split up

to track down Dad and Rodrick. I told Mom

that Dad was at the gym, so she went there to

get him.

I found Rodrick exactly where I expected to,

and believe me, he owes me for not letting Mom

get to him FIRST.

We met Mom and Dad down at the dock. Dad

wasn’t too happy with Mom, because apparently

this boat cost a lot of money to rent. But Mom

said it was WORTH it, because this cruise was

gonna be the highlight of our trip.

When I hear the word “cruise,” I think of a

yacht or at least a souped-up sailboat.

163

But the boat that Mom rented didn’t look like

anything special.

The boat came with its own captain, so I guess

that was SOMETHING. When we got on board,

he handed us all life jackets, and after we put

them on, we pulled away from the dock.

The first thing I noticed was that the boat had

a glass bottom, which I was not comfortable with

at ALL.

164

This boat didn’t look like it was in such great

shape to begin with, so I was worried the glass

was gonna crack and we were all gonna sink to

the bottom of the ocean.

In fact, if I had to guess, I’ll bet 50% of all

shipwrecks are glass-bottom boats just like the

one we were on.

165

Once we got out on the ocean, the captain asked

Mom where she wanted to go. The captain said

there were some private islands we could explore,

and Mom said we should go to one of THOSE.

But it turned out the “private” islands weren’t

really private, so we didn’t bother sticking around.

The captain said there was a reef nearby that

wasn’t usually crowded and we could do some

snorkeling.

That meant we’d have to go into the actual ocean

with all the OTHER stuff swimming around in

there, so I wasn’t in love with the idea. But

nobody else seemed concerned.

166

Once we got out to the reef, the captain dropped

anchor, and he handed us each a snorkel, a mask,

and some flippers.

I asked if he had any HARPOONS or other

weapons that we could use to defend ourselves

from sharks.

He said sharks don’t go near the reefs, but I said

I’d bet if they saw a defenseless family splashing

around, they’d be happy to make an exception.

He told us the reason that sharks don’t come near

the reefs is that the coral is SHARP and that

WE shouldn’t touch it, either.

167

That was the FIRST red flag. But it got a

whole lot WORSE.

He said there was a pretty good chance we’d see

some stingrays underwater. He said it was OK to

touch their fins but we should keep our thumbs

away from their mouths, because they can mistake

them for food and bite them clean off.

Then he said the stingrays’ tails are poisonous, so

we should probably watch out for THOSE, too.

168

The captain wasn’t FINISHED, though. He

said there were a bunch of OTHER things we

needed to look out for. Then he showed us what

everything looked like on a big chart.

There was some scary stuff on that thing, but it

wasn’t the BIGGEST creatures that freaked me

out, it was the SMALLEST one. And that was

the BOX JELLYFISH.

169

I saw this show called “World’s Most Venomous

Creatures,” and they had the box jellyfish at

the top of the list. If you get stung by one,

your heart can stop, and then you’re pretty

much finished.

I told Mom I didn’t think it was worth risking

death just to see a goldfish in the wild. I think

she could tell I was worried, but she wouldn’t let

me off the hook that easy.

She said I just needed to get in the water long

enough to take one family picture and then I

could get back in the boat.

170

Mom still wanted that photo for the Christmas

card, and I could tell she wasn’t gonna take “no”

for an answer.

I told Mom I’d stay in just long enough for

ONE picture, and if someone BLINKED, that

was just tough luck. She agreed, and then we got

in the water one by one. I was the last person in.

The captain couldn’t figure out how to work Mom’s

camera, and he was taking FOREVER.

I really didn’t like the feeling of not knowing

what was swimming underneath me, so I took a

peek underwater. I’m glad I did, because it was

actually kind of AMAZING. I could see why

people liked snorkeling and scuba diving so much.

172

A big school of blue and green fish surrounded

me, and the fish were darting all over the place,

changing directions two times a second.

At first I thought it was COOL, but then

I realized that this is how animals behave when

they’re trying to avoid a PREDATOR.

I didn’t see any sharks underwater, so I started

scanning the surface for FINS.

The captain finally figured out Mom’s camera and

was ready to take our picture, but I was already

swimming for the boat.

Just then, a sea horse swam right in front of

my mask, and it surprised me. My snorkel dipped

beneath the surface, and I accidentally took a

HUGE gulp of water. And I’m 95% sure that I

swallowed the sea horse along WITH it.

Now I was in a full-blown panic. I think I

might’ve actually DROWNED if the captain

hadn’t pulled me up into the boat.

174

Once I was on board, I coughed up a lot of

water but no sea horses.

Mom climbed aboard to find out what was wrong.

She could see I wasn’t looking so good, and she

told the captain we should go back to the resort

so I could get checked out by a doctor. After

everybody else climbed in, we headed back.

The ride was really choppy, and if I hadn’t

ALREADY been sick, that would’ve done it.

We made good time, and the captain dropped us

off at the dock.

175

He had already called ahead to the resort’s

doctor, who was waiting for us. When I told him

what had happened, I thought for SURE he

was gonna send me to the nearest hospital to get

my stomach X-rayed.

But he checked me out and said I seemed OK.

Then he told me it wasn’t very likely I swallowed a

sea horse and I’d be perfectly fine.

I really didn’t like how casual this guy was being

about the whole thing. In fact, he seemed a lot

more concerned with Mom and Dad than he did

with ME.

176

The doctor took a look at them and said it

looked like they were seasick. Then he gave them

each a pill and said they’d feel better after they

got a little rest.

All I can say is, if anything happens to me later

on, I hope this doctor knows he had a chance to

DO something about it, but DIDN’T.

Mom and Dad found a few empty lounge chairs by

the pool, and we sat down to rest.

But then the Director of Fun came through with

a conga line, and he tried to get us to join.

He couldn’t take a hint, though, and kept circling

our area. But he stopped cold when he noticed

something in Manny’s pail.

178

It looked to ME like a clear plastic bag floating

in the water. But the Director of Fun lifted the

pail to take a closer look.

It turned out it wasn’t a plastic bag at ALL. It

was a JELLYFISH. And not just ANY

jellyfish, either. It was a BOX jellyfish.

The Director of Fun ran to the nearest lifeguard,

who started blowing her whistle. Then all the

other lifeguards started blowing THEIRS. And

you have never seen so many people get out of a

pool so FAST.

179

My family decided it might be a good idea for us

to get out of there, too.

On our way back to the room, we noticed that

Rodrick wasn’t with us. Mom thought he probably

snuck off to hang out with that girl, but when

we went to the Teen Zone, he wasn’t there.

That’s when we realized nobody had seen Rodrick

in a WHILE. In fact, I didn’t remember him

being on the boat ride back from the reef. And

neither did Mom or Dad.

180

That meant he was still OUT there.

So we ran back to the dock as fast as we could.

Our boat was already out on another trip, but

Mom talked to the guy who operated the banana

boat and told him what happened. We climbed on

board the speedboat, and he took us to the reef.

Sure enough, we found Rodrick exactly where we

left him. He was ALIVE, but he was as red as

a LOBSTER.

When we got back to the resort, the doctor

said Rodrick had sun poisoning and needed to

drink lots of water and get some rest. Then he

gave Mom a bottle of aloe to help Rodrick with

his burn.

But the aloe didn’t really seem to help Rodrick.

Mom sent Dad to the store to find something that

would, and we spent the rest of the night taking

turns rubbing popsicles on Rodrick’s back.

182

Friday

The next morning, Dad went out to get another

box of popsicles, and he came back with some

news. He said they had drained the whole pool to

find the jellyfish, and they were just starting to

refill it. But it would be three DAYS before it

was ready to use.

I thought it would be smart for us to hide out in

the suite for the rest of the trip, because people

would be looking for the family who ruined everybody

else’s vacation. But Mom said we weren’t gonna

spend the rest of our time indoors.

183

She told Dad he should take Manny to the Pirate

Playplace, and she told me to see what activities

were planned in the Tween Zone.

I didn’t really want to go back out there, but I

guess it was better than risking another run-in

with the spider.

I went down to the Tween Zone, hoping the

activity might be a video game competition or

something like that. But the counselor was

rounding everyone up to play TENNIS.

At first I thought about turning around, because

I wasn’t in the mood to get all sweaty.

184

Then I remembered that Rowley plays tennis at

his country club, and I thought it might be fun

for me to learn so the two of us could hit some balls

around over the summer.

The counselor who was organizing the game was

named Rodrigo, and he took us over to the

tennis courts.

185

I thought Rodrigo was going to stay and teach

us how to play. But the second we were all through

the gate at the tennis court, he LOCKED it.

That’s when I realized these “activities” were

just a way to get kids out of their parents’ hair

for a few hours.

The tennis court was a giant CAGE, and we were

basically in prison for the next hour and a half.

And we couldn’t even play tennis anyway, because

Rodrigo didn’t leave us with any RACKETS.

186

He did leave us with BALLS, though. There must

have been three hundred of them in a basket in

the middle of the court. At first, kids started

playing catch, but it didn’t take long for it to

turn into a giant free-for-all.

I took cover by the fence with some other kids

who didn’t wanna get hit in the face with a tennis

ball. But all that did was make us TARGETS.

So we started fighting BACK. Somebody figured

out how to turn on the ball machine, and we used

it to defend ourselves.

187

I’m never on the winning side of this kind of thing,

and I gotta say, it was actually a lot of FUN.

But then everything came to a screeching halt.

One of the kids who was in the conga line the day

before recognized me and told everyone it was MY

family’s fault they had to drain the pool.

188

I explained to everyone that it was all a big

accident and that my little brother just wanted a

jellyfish as a pet. But I guess these guys were

mad about the pool situation, and they were

happy to have someone to blame.

I had to get OUT of there, but the gate was

locked. So the only way to go over it was to

CLIMB.

In phys ed at school, I can’t even get up the

rock wall they have in the gym. But now that my

life was on the line, I scaled that fence like I

was

SPIDER-MAN.

189

After I cleared the fence, I ran to the

counselors’ building to get help. But Rodrigo was

totally USELESS.

I didn’t feel safe outdoors anymore, so I ran

back to our building.

190

Everybody in my family was in the suite when I

got there.

We were kind of in a bad spot. I didn’t wanna

leave the room, and Rodrick couldn’t be out in the

sun anyway.

Mom said maybe we should call off the trip and

head back home a day early. But Dad said we paid

a lot of money for this trip and he refused to leave

the resort until we had at least ONE decent meal.

None of us wanted to eat at an outdoor

restaurant because of the stupid birds. And we

couldn’t eat at the golf clubhouse, because we

didn’t have the clothes for it.

191

Just then, there was a loud crash on the other

side of the room.

The big suitcase that belonged to somebody else

was split open on the floor. And there were

clothes EVERYWHERE.

Whoever this suitcase belonged to must’ve been a

family just like us, because there were clothes in all

different sizes.

But they weren’t just beach clothes. There were

also the kind of clothes you’d wear to church or a

nice restaurant.

192

I looked at Dad, and I could tell he was

thinking what I was thinking: These clothes were

our ticket to getting into the golf clubhouse.

Mom said she didn’t feel right about wearing

someone else’s clothes. But Dad said that after we

were done using them, we’d pack everything back

up and make sure the suitcase got to the family it

belonged to.

I think that made Mom feel better, so we

started trying things on. The only person who

couldn’t find clothes that fit was RODRICK.

But Mom said he needed to stay covered up from

the sun anyway, so she gave him a robe and a shirt

to put on over it.

193

I gotta say, when we stepped out of our

building, we looked pretty SHARP. Rodrick’s

outfit even worked in its own way.

We walked toward the clubhouse, and I kept my

eye out for any tweens who might recognize me. But

we made it to the restaurant without any run-ins.

194

THIS time, they let us in. And I had the best

meal I’ve eaten in my whole life.

After we finished dessert, none of us really

wanted to head back to the room. So we had a

little fun on the putting green first.

195

The truth is, my family NEVER has a good time

together. So for a second there I could kind of see

how this family vacation thing is supposed to work.

But what I’ve learned is that nothing good

ever LASTS. A security guard drove up to the

putting green in a golf cart, got out, and said we

needed to come with him.

When Dad asked him WHY, the security guard

said that another family at the restaurant had

reported us for wearing their CLOTHES.

196

For a second, we didn’t know what to do. Then I

remembered what I learned back at the airport—

when Heffleys get in trouble, Heffleys RUN.

I got in the driver’s seat of the security guy’s

golf cart, my family piled in, and we took off,

leaving the security guard in our dust.

But it turns out that a golf cart makes a lousy

getaway car, especially if you’re climbing a HILL.

The security guard caught up with us less than

a minute later, and I don’t think he even

broke a sweat.

197

He made us go back to our room and hand the

suitcase over to the family it belonged to. We also

had to return the clothes we were wearing, and I

gotta say, it wasn’t our proudest moment.

198

Personally, I think the embarrassment should’ve

been punishment ENOUGH. But the security

guard said that theft isn’t tolerated at the

resort and we had to pack our bags and leave the

grounds immediately.

Dad tried to explain what REALLY happened,

but this guy wasn’t in a listening mood. And once

we had all our stuff packed, he drove us to the

airport HIMSELF.

When we got to the airport, Dad went to our

airline’s customer service desk and told them we

needed to fly home a day early.

199

But the customer service lady said that all the

flights for the day were sold out, and we were

just gonna have to wait until the NEXT evening

to fly home.

That was a problem, because we didn’t have

anywhere to STAY for the night.

Dad called the airport hotel, and they said there

was only one room available. So we spent the last

night of our vacation in a tiny room. And I had

to share a bed with Rodrick, who was sticky from

popsicle juice.

200

Saturday

When we woke up in the morning, I figured we

were in for a long day. Our flight wasn’t until

8:00 p.m., and there was nothing to do at

the airport. But at breakfast, Mom and Dad

surprised us.

They said we were gonna go BACK to the resort

for the day.

Mom and Dad had talked it over the night before,

and neither one of them liked the way things had

ended. They decided they wanted to have a “do

over” and leave on a high note.

Mom said the most important thing was that we

get that family picture. She said she knew the

PERFECT spot on the beach, and as soon as we got

to the resort we were gonna head straight there.

201

I thought the whole thing was a crazy idea,

because I didn’t see how we were even gonna get

past the front desk. But Dad said he had a plan,

and he’d tell us what it was when we got there.

We took the free shuttle back to the resort,

and we watched that video again. I realized the

reason everything looked so FUN was because they

never showed any actual FAMILIES.

When we got off the bus, Dad told us his master

plan to sneak onto the property. And I gotta

say, it wasn’t really that impressive.

But it actually WORKED. Once we got past

the lobby, we went to the pool area. There wasn’t

anyone swimming, because they were still filling it.

We quickly found out where everyone ELSE was—

down at the beach. But it was so crowded, no one

looked like they were having any FUN.

203

Mom wanted to get the family picture, but she

didn’t want other people in the shot. So we went

to the sand dunes, where nobody else would be in

the background.

But that’s where we ran into Rodrick’s girlfriend.

I felt kind of BAD for Rodrick, ESPECIALLY

after Mom asked the girl to take our picture with

her camera.

204

I’m not sure we’re gonna be able to use the photo

as our Christmas card anyway, since Mom usually

likes everyone to be SMILING in those.

After the family picture was out of the way,

we went back down to the beach. Rodrick was

sulking, but the rest of us had FUN.

205

We worked up an appetite, and we were ready

to eat. The problem was, the security guard had

taken our room keys when he kicked us out of the

resort. So we couldn’t actually PAY for anything.

A family in one of the cabanas had some leftover

pizza and fries. So we used what we learned from

the birds and helped ourselves to some food.

After that, Dad said we needed to start heading

back. Mom wanted to get a few more pictures at

the sand dunes before we left, so we went there.

206

But I think we pushed our luck, because we ran

into some OTHER people we knew.

The second that family saw us, they ran off, and

I knew they were gonna report us to security. So

we left the scene as fast as we could.

I don’t know where the REST of my family

went, but I headed toward the BEACH. I

figured there were so many people there, I could

just blend in. But when I saw a security guard

running toward me, I PANICKED.

207

I ran into the water and swam to the area where

the windsurfers were. I had no idea how to USE

one of those things, but I thought it was my

only shot at escaping.

I got on the board, then pulled the sail up

out of the water. And as soon as the sail was

upright, I started MOVING.

I found out the way to steer the thing was by

pulling on the big handle that ran across the sail.

I figured as long as I was headed AWAY from

the beach, I was doing OK.

208

Then a big gust of wind caught the sail, and I

didn’t have enough strength to steer it the way

I wanted it to go. I was moving FAST and

picking up speed.

Up ahead, there were some buoys that marked a

roped-off area of the water. I pulled back on

the handle with all my might, but I couldn’t avoid

the ropes.

I guess there must’ve been a fin on the bottom of

the windsurfer, because something got caught on

a rope. And when it did, the whole thing tilted

over and splashed into the water.

209

I tried to stand the sail back up, but it

was hard to do it in the choppy water. Then

something brushed by my LEG, and I FROZE.

Two seconds later a FIN appeared, and then

another, and another. I was completely

surrounded, and I thought I was about to

become lunch for a school of sharks.

210

That’s when I realized I was in the DOLPHIN

enclosure. I was so happy that I forgot all

about how I got there.

But when a security boat pulled up alongside me, it

brought me back to reality.

I gave up on windsurfing and swam for shore.

But the beach was a lot less CROWDED than I

remembered it being a few minutes before.

211

I found out WHY when I got there. I’d

accidentally crossed over to the WILD SIDE.

And those guys didn’t look too happy to see a kid

with a camera on their private beach.

Now security guards were coming at me from every

direction, and I hightailed it out of there. It

wasn’t just the security guards who were after

me, though. It was the SUNBATHERS, too.

212

I sprinted across the sand into the pool area,

which looked a lot like the one on OUR side, only

the pool had WATER in it.

I had a pack of people right behind me. So I

jumped over a stone wall and took cover in a

cluster of bushes.

When I pushed through to the other side, I

thought I was in the clear. But then I came

smack up against the WALL.

213

There was a HOLE in this part of the wall,

and you’d never believe who was on the other side

of it.

I got my family’s attention and told them I

needed help.

214

Then I put my fingers in the hole to try to pull

the board loose. Dad pushed from the other side,

and the wall actually opened a crack. But it wasn’t

big enough for me to squeeze through.

I could hear the security guards on their walkie-

talkies right on the other side of the bushes,

and I knew it was just a matter of SECONDS

before they found me.

So I tried climbing UP the wall, but I couldn’t

get a foothold. Then I saw Rodrick’s HEAD pop

over the top. He reached out his hand, and I

jumped to grab it. He started to haul me up, and

I thought I might actually make it.

But then a seven-legged SPIDER crawled out of

Rodrick’s bathrobe and down my arm, and I lost

my grip.

When I hit the ground, I thought I was done

for. But then the section of the wall I was

trying to get over came crashing DOWN. I

was lucky I didn’t get crushed by the stampede

pouring in from the Mild Side.

216

We took advantage of all the confusion and made

our way to the exit. There was a security station

at the side of the resort, and the only reason we

were able to slip past the guards was because of all

the craziness going on over at the Wild Side pool.

Once we were off the property, we flagged down a

cab and asked the driver to take us to the airport.

We hit some turbulence on the flight back, but

after everything ELSE we’d been through, a

little rough air didn’t even faze me.

217

Sunday

It’s been a few days since we made it back home,

and Mom’s already working on the photo album. And

from the pictures, you’d think we had a great time.

But any chance of us ever going BACK to the

resort is completely gone. I went on the website

to show Rowley where I spent my Christmas

vacation, and there was a big picture of my family

on the home page.

I couldn’t read the words that went with it, but

I’m pretty sure I got the general idea.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Thanks to everyone at Abrams, especially Charlie Kochman, who cares as much about book twelve as book one. Big thanks to Michael Jacobs, Andrew Smith, Chad W. Beckerman, Susan Van Metre, Liz Fithian, Carmen Alvarez, Melanie Chang, Amy Vreeland, Samantha Hoback, Alison Gervais, Elisa Garcia, and Josh Berlowitz.

Thanks to Jason Wells and Veronica Wasserman for your friendship. Thanks to Kim Ku for breaking new ground in Wimpy Kid design.

Thanks to the whole Wimpy Kid team: Shaelyn Germain, Anna Cesary, and Vanessa Jedrej. Thanks to Deb Sundin and the staff at An Unlikely Story.

Thanks to Rich Carr and Andrea Lucey for your support and friendship. Thanks to Paul Sennott for all your help.

Thanks to Jess Brallier for your mentorship and for getting me started as an author.

Thanks to everyone in Hollywood, including Sylvie Rabineau, Keith Fleer, Nina Jacobson, Brad Simpson, Elizabeth Gabler, David Bowers, and Greg Mooradian.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jeff Kinney is a #1 New York Times bestselling author and a six-time Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Award winner for Favorite Book. Jeff has been named one of Time magazine’s 100 Most Influential People in the World. He is also the creator of Poptropica, which was named one of Time magazine’s 50 Best Websites. He spent his childhood in the Washington, D.C., area and moved to New England in 1995. Jeff lives with his wife and two sons in Massachusetts, where they own a bookstore, An Unlikely Story.