I’m very excited that you’re holding the Kindle edition of

Diary of a Wimpy Kid in your hands.

When I read my first e-book on a Kindle, I was amazed at

the possibilities. Carrying a whole library around with me on a

device I could fit in the palm of my hand? Amazing.

What’s been very rewarding to me as an author has been

seeing kids carrying their dog-eared copies of Diary of a

Wimpy Kid with them. The Kindle allows kids to have the

whole series at their fingertips, and the reading experience

is crisp and clean every time . . . with no chance of today's

breakfast staining the pages.

Thank you for purchasing Diary of a Wimpy Kid on your

Kindle. I hope it gives you lots of laughs and you have as

much fun reading it as I did writing it.

Jeff Kinney

September

Thursday

It’s been almost two and a half weeks since me

and my ex-best friend, Rowley Jefferson, had our

big fight. To be honest with you, I thought he

would’ve come crawling back to me by now, but for

some reason, that hasn’t happened.

I’m actually starting to get a little concerned,

because school starts back up in a few days, and

if we’re gonna get this friendship back on track,

something needs to happen quick. If me and Rowley

really ARE through, that would stink, because

the two of us had a pretty good thing going.

Can I take a

(pant, pant)

rest break?

It’s only,

like, three

more blocks!

Now that our friendship is history, I’m in the

market for a new best friend. The problem is, I

invested all my time in Rowley, and I don’t have

anyone lined up to take his place.

The two best options I have at this point are

Christopher Brownfield and Tyson Sanders. But

each of those guys has his own issues.

I hung out with Christopher for the last few

weeks of the summer, mostly because he’s a really

excellent mosquito magnet. But Christopher is more

of a summertime friend than a school-year friend.

Christopher

Tyson

Ouch!

Swat

2

Tyson is nice enough, and we like the same video

games. But he pulls his pants all the way down

when he uses the urinal, and I don’t know if I

can ever get past that.

The only other kid my age who’s not paired up

with someone is Fregley, but I ruled him out as

best friend material a long time ago.

Hey there,

Greg!

I’ll bet I can fit

your whole foot

in my mouth!

3

Anyway, I’m still keeping the door open a crack

for Rowley, just in case. But if he wants to save

this friendship, he’d better do something fast.

Because the way things stand, he’s not gonna

come out looking very good in my autobiography.

CHAPTER 8

CHILDHOOD

I used to live near this kid. I think his

name was Rupert or Roger or something.

GREG

HEFFLEY

a life

4

Saturday

With my luck, though, I’ll go on to be rich and

famous and Rowley will still find a way to ride

my coattails.

The reason I don’t see things changing between

me and Rowley is because he’s already found himself

a replacement friend. Or to be more accurate, his

parents did.

For the past few weeks Rowley’s been hanging out

with this teenager named Brian.

I Used to Be Friends with

GREG HEFFLEY

by Rowley Jefferson

5

Whenever I go by Rowley’s house, he’s out in his

front yard throwing a football or a Frisbee with a

guy who looks like he’s in high school or college.

Well, I did some poking around and found out

that this Brian guy isn’t just some normal kid

from the neighborhood. He’s part of a company

called “Cool Brian,” which is sort of like a big-

brother-for-hire kind of thing.

In fact, I’d be willing to bet money this guy’s

name isn’t even really Brian.

6

Mom said she thinks the Cool Brian thing is a

great idea because it gives kids a “role model”

they can look up to. That makes me kind of mad

because, the way I see it, I’M Rowley’s role model.

And now Rowley’s parents are paying some guy to

do what I’ve been doing all these years for FREE.

Cool brian

Wholesome

mentors for

growing boys

Hee hee

hee!

Gaaaah!

Trip

7

The thing that really burns me is that Rowley

probably doesn’t even know his parents are paying

this guy to spend time with him. And I don’t think

it would bother Rowley if he DID know the truth.

Today I saw Rowley hanging out with a different

Cool Brian, so Rowley’s regular guy must’ve had the

day off. But I could tell Rowley didn’t even notice.

Today was the first day of school. I don’t want

to jinx things, but it’s looking like this could be a

great year for me.

Tuesday

8

In homeroom we got our textbooks for the

semester. My school can’t afford to get new books

every year, so we usually get hand-me-downs.

But when you get a book that ten kids had

before you, it makes it kind of hard to do any

actual learning.

Usually, I have really bad luck when it comes to

previous book owners. Last year I got a math

book that had belonged to Bryan Goot.

9

And that didn’t exactly up my “cool” factor in

the hallways.

But this year I totally lucked out. When I got

my math book, I found out it used to belong to

Jordan Jury. Jordan Jury is the most popular kid

in the grade above me, so carrying his textbook

around should translate into some MAJOR

popularity points.

Hey, you

got my

book!

10

One reason Jordan is so popular is because he

always has these big blowout parties, and it’s

really hard to get invited. But I figure this

Algebra book could be just the thing I need to

get on his radar.

Speaking of popular kids, I sat near Bryce

Anderson and his group of friends at lunch today.

Bryce is basically the Jordan Jury of my grade,

and he’s got a bunch of cronies who are always

going along with everything he says.

Hey, what’s

that high-

pitched noise?

Yeah, I

hear it

too!

Ow!

ow!

11

And those guys are loyal to Bryce no matter how

dumb he makes them look.

See, Bryce Anderson has the right idea. He

doesn’t actually NEED a best friend, because

he’s got a bunch of lackeys who basically worship

him. The reason me and Rowley didn’t make it is

because we were equal partners in our friendship,

and I don’t think that kind of model has a

chance of working out.

At school today I heard Rowley tell some kid he

was going to a rock concert tonight. I admit I

was a little jealous, since I’ve never been to a real

concert myself. But when I found out who was

performing, I was glad I wasn’t invited.

Friday

I’m just kidding.

there’s no high-

pitched noise.

12

Still, it kind of irks me that Rowley is having more

fun than I am. In fact, it seems like EVERYONE

is having more fun than me these days.

There are some kids in my grade who post their

pictures online.

Joshie

scream!

13

And from the looks of things, they’re all having a

WAY better time than I am.

I don’t want people thinking MY life is lame,

so I decided to take some pictures to show how

great things are going for me.

All you really need is a digital camera and a

photo-editing program and you can make it look

like you’re having a total blast.

14

Tonight I was right in the middle of creating

a wild New Year’s Eve party scene when I got

busted by Mom.

15

Oh well. Mom won’t let me post photos on the

computer anyway, because of “privacy” and all

that. Or maybe it’s because she learned her lesson

after letting my older brother, Rodrick, post

HIS pictures.

Rodrick’s been trying to get a job so he can buy a

new drum set, but nobody will hire him. Mom told

him that nowadays employers look up the people

they’re thinking of hiring and that his pictures

are probably hurting his chances.

16

So Rodrick replaced his band pictures with this one—

This year everyone in my grade has to take

Advanced Health, which covers some top-secret

stuff that I guess they didn’t think we were

ready for until now.

In the first few classes, the boys and girls were

mixed together, but today Nurse Powell said she

was gonna split us up. She sent the girls down to

Mrs. Gordon’s room and then she put in a video

for us boys to watch.

Wednesday

17

From what I could tell, the video was at least

thirty years old, so I’m sure Dad watched the

same exact tape when he was my age.

I’m not gonna describe everything that they

showed in the video, because it was actually pretty

disgusting. If you ask me, some of that stuff

doesn’t really belong in a classroom.

Rowley didn’t even make it through the whole

video. He passed out at the two-minute mark when

they said the word “perspiration.”

Say Hello to the

Brand-new you!

(Boys’ Edition)

18

To be honest with you, I don’t know if Rowley’s

ready for this stuff. He’s basically like a little kid. He

told me once that he avoids the older kids at school

because he’s afraid he’s gonna “catch puberty.”

In fact, now that I think about it, I haven’t

seen Cool Brian for a while. So I wonder if

Rowley’s avoiding him, too, because he thinks

he’s contagious.

Boys

19

The same kind of thing happened in last year’s

Health class when they did a smoking unit. The

teacher said that you never know who’s going to

offer you a cigarette, and that it could even be

your best friend.

Well, after Rowley heard THAT, he wouldn’t even

walk on the same side of the street as me for a

solid MONTH.

No!

Shiver

shiver

20

Believe me, I don’t need some teacher to tell ME

it’s not cool to smoke. My grandfather convinced

me of that last year on Thanksgiving.

Anyway, I think Rowley’s just one of those

kids who are always gonna be a few years behind

everyone else maturity-wise. Rowley doesn’t even

know how to tie his shoes yet, because he’s the

kind of person who has Velcro everything.

Rrrip

21

Last year Rowley’s mom bought him sneakers with

laces, and I can’t even tell you how many times I

had to bail him out.

I guess it probably should’ve been a warning sign

that my best friend was impressed that I knew

how to tie my own shoes.

Today I was reading the comics in the newspaper,

and I saw an ad that caught my attention.

It was for Peachy Breeze Ice Cream, and

apparently they’re looking for a new spokesperson.

Thursday

22

Peachy Breeze has those commercials on TV that

run nonstop, with that kid with the freckles and

the high-pitched voice.

Peachy

breeze is

peachy

keen!

Could your child

be the next

Peachy breeze

kid?

Open tryouts at the Liberty

Street Mall this Saturday!

23

The Peachy Breeze Kid used to be kind of cute, but

over the years he’s gotten a little seedy-looking.

So I guess they’re looking for someone to take

his place.

Well, I’d be PERFECT for the role. First of

all, I LOVE ice cream, so it wouldn’t be hard for

me to do the acting part. Second, I would be

willing to miss a lot of school to fulfill my Peachy

Breeze obligations.

And they wouldn’t have to worry about me

getting too old for the part, because I’d take

whatever I needed to take to stop growing.

Peachy

breeze is

peachy

keen!

24

The only stumbling block I can see is that Dad

HATES the Peachy Breeze TV ads because he

thinks the kid is annoying. So I don’t think he’d

be too thrilled if I became their new spokesperson.

Hope you

have a good

day at work!

Groan.

Peachy

breeze is

peachy keen!

25

There’s just something about that kid that gets

on Dad’s nerves. In fact, I think he hates the

Peachy Breeze Kid even more than he hates Li'l

Cutie, which is saying something.

Every time Dad sees a Peachy Breeze commercial on

TV, he writes the Peachy Breeze people an angry

letter saying that the ads drive him crazy and he’ll

never buy any of their products.

A few weeks later, Dad gets a response in the

mail from Peachy Breeze, and it’s always the same

thing: coupons for free ice cream.

Type

Type

Type

26

It’s been going on like this for years, and if

something doesn’t change, we’re gonna have to get

an extra freezer to hold all of our Peachy Breeze

ice cream.

I told Mom about the Peachy Breeze Kid contest

last night, and she said it seemed like an “exciting

opportunity.” But it turns out she was thinking of

my little brother, Manny, when she said that.

In fact, this morning Mom and Manny were

ready to take off for the audition without me,

but I caught them just in time.

Saturday

Wait

up!

27

Mom seemed surprised that I wanted to be

the Peachy Breeze Kid and said I might be

“too old” for the part. At first I thought

that was ridiculous, but when I saw my

competition at the mall, I could kind of see

where she was coming from.

I figured I could charm the judges and get the

job anyway. Plus, I had an edge, because I was

the only kid trying out who could read a cue card.

There must’ve been two hundred kids in line, and

I realized that if I wanted the job, I was

gonna have to come up with some sort of gimmick.

So I decided I’d jump up and click my heels

together when I said the Peachy Breeze slogan.

Tryouts

28

But when it was finally my turn to go, things

didn’t work out the way I’d planned.

I knew my chances of getting the part weren’t

good when the casting people sent me out the

door without even asking my name.

Peachy breeze

is peachy—

oops!

Click

Plop

Can I go

again?

Next!

29

My opportunity was slipping away, so I did what I

could to improve my odds.

But it looks like the job is gonna go to a younger

kid after all, which really stinks.

You know, this isn’t the first time I’ve been

discriminated against because of my age, either.

Last October me and Rowley heard that our local

news station was going to be at the Red Apple

Farm to shoot footage of kids carving pumpkins

and making scarecrows and stuff like that.

I’m pretty sure

the next kid in

line is allergic

to peaches.

Exit

30

We knew this was our big chance to be on TV, so

we plopped ourselves in front of the news camera

and really hammed it up.

But it took about five seconds for the news people

to kick us out.

Whee!

Yay!

Hey, get those

creepy kids

out of there!

31

Then they brought in some little kids to take our

place, and they did the same EXACT thing me

and Rowley were doing.

And sure enough, those kids were on the news

that night.

The truth is, this kind of thing has been going

on for a long time. And where it’s worst is in my

own family.

Up until I was eight or nine, I was the star

of every family gathering. It seemed like nobody

could get enough of me.

I love it!

Ha Ha!

32

But after Manny was born, things really changed

for me.

See, when you’re a little kid, nobody ever warns

you that you’ve got an expiration date. One day

you’re hot stuff and the next day you’re a dirt

sandwich.

I’m a little

teapot

short and

stout…

It’s a boy!

Here is my

handle and

here is my

spout!

Oh,

grow

up!

33

I guess I can understand why Rodrick’s always

so grumpy. It’s been a long time since he was

the center of attention, and believe me, he’s not

getting any cuter.

The person who’s lucky is ROWLEY. He’s an only

child, so at least he doesn’t have to worry about

being replaced by the next kid to come along.

Stop

slouching!

chips

Just tip me

over and

pour me

out!

Yay!

Hurray,

rowley!

34

Tonight at dinner Dad told us that his younger

brother, Uncle Gary, got engaged to his

girlfriend, Sonja. I guess that’s great news and

all, but Uncle Gary has been married three times

before, so this has kind of become a regular thing

in our family. In fact, we don’t even use growth

charts at home, because we can just look at

pictures from Uncle Gary’s weddings to keep track

of our progress.

Monday

35

So I think everyone’s a little burned out by

now. When Uncle Gary got married the THIRD

time, Mom didn’t even bother to replace the

picture of his second wedding on the mantel. She

just taped a photo of the new wife’s head on

top of the old one.

Uncle Gary’s not a bad guy or anything. He just

rushes into these relationships too quickly. He got

engaged to his first wife, Linda, two months after

they met, and she didn’t even find out what he did

for a living until their wedding day.

36

And I heard Uncle Gary’s second wife, Charlene,

thought he had a lot of money because of a

miscommunication on their second date.

It turns out Uncle Gary only had forty-five

dollars, not forty-five THOUSAND dollars.

Sorry I’m late…the

kids at the party

wouldn’t let me leave!

I’ve got about

thirty thousand

in the bank…

maybe forty.

And I’ve got

forty-five!

37

But Charlene didn’t find that out until it was time

to pay the band at the wedding.

Dad’s always saying Uncle Gary needs to “grow

up” and stop acting like a child. But if I were

Dad, I wouldn’t hold my breath.

Did you

happen to

bring your

checkbook?

Yaaah-

hooo!

38

I found out that Uncle Gary’s wedding is gonna

be in November, and the reception will be at my

great grandmother Gammie’s house, like last time.

Gammie is ninety-five years old, but she still lives

in the big house where she grew up. She’s like the

official head of the whole Heffley family.

Gammie is one of the only people in the world who

still writes letters. And when she writes you a

letter, she expects you to write one BACK.

Tuesday

Heffley family reunion

(Gammie)

39

I’ve tried to explain to Gammie that people my

age don’t know how to write letters with a stamp

and a “return address” and all that stuff, but

she doesn’t wanna hear it.

At Uncle Gary’s last wedding, Gammie handed me

a starter letter plus an envelope with her address

and a stamp on it so I wouldn’t have any excuse

not to write.

G. Heffley

12 surrey street

Gammie heffley

38 Bacon street

East

Dear Gammie,

Love,

Gregory

40

But I STILL haven’t filled it in and mailed it

yet. So now every time I walk past my desk in my

bedroom, I feel guilty.

Gammie is ALWAYS making you feel guilty. Last

year at Thanksgiving, I put a whoopee cushion

on her chair, and she sat on it.

Oh!

Hee hee

hee!

Flbrt!

41

A few days later everyone in the whole family got

a handwritten apology letter from Gammie.

Dear Family,

I am writing to apologize for the unfortunate

incident that occured shortly after our family

conculded “grace” at our Thanksgiving celebration.

As I have gotten older, I have found it more

difficult to control my body, and I’m afraid

my recent surgery may have contributed to my

little “slip.”

I hope that this unfortunate mishap does

not become the lasting impression of what

was otherwise a glorious and blessed occassion.

Love,

Gammie

42

Sometimes I wonder if Gammie is just messing with

everyone and does this kind of thing on purpose.

Last Easter she invited the whole family to her

house, but everyone had their own thing going on,

and nobody went.

Gammie called Dad on Easter Sunday and said

she’d bought a scratch ticket and won the ten-

million-dollar grand prize. Word got around the

family quick, and everyone was at Gammie’s house in

no time flat.

But it turned out the scratch ticket wasn’t a

winner after all.

You have to match

three of the fruits

to win, gammie.

I see.

43

Gammie didn’t seem too bothered that she wasn’t a

multimillionaire after all, and I have a feeling she

got what she REALLY wanted anyway.

I hope I live to be ninety-five years old, because

if I do, I guarantee you I’ll be messing with

people, too.

I made a ham in

case anyone

stopped by!

Your underwear

goes underneath

your clothes, dad!

Eh?

44

What makes me kind of nervous about going to

Gammie’s house in November is that it’s time for

me to get “the Talk.” Every time someone in my

family gets to be about my age, Gammie sits them

down and talks to them about who-knows-what. I

guess it’s one of those elder-wisdom kinds of things.

The last person to get “the Talk” from Gammie

was Rodrick, and now I’m next in line. I’m

hoping Uncle Gary breaks off his engagement so

we don’t have to go down there, because the whole

thing is making me a nervous wreck.

We’ve got a new math teacher at our school named

Mrs. Mackelroy.

Thursday

45

She used to teach kindergarten, and I don’t

think she’s real crazy about middle school kids.

We have math right after Phys Ed, so by the

time we get to Mrs. Mackelroy’s room, everyone’s

all sweaty from exercising.

Mrs. Mackelroy complained to the principal and

said she can’t teach when it smells like a “monkey

house” in the room, so the principal said that from

now on us kids have to take showers after gym.

Well, I can tell you that most of the boys in my

class were not on board with that decision.

46

The only person who was OK with it was Roger

Townsend, but he was held back twice and he’s

practically a man anyway.

So the rest of us decided we were gonna have

to fake it. After Phys Ed was over yesterday,

we all took turns getting our hair wet so it

LOOKED like we showered.

47

I don’t know if we really fooled Mrs. Mackelroy,

but I don’t think she’s ever gonna go into the

boys’ locker room and investigate.

This showering situation reminds me of something

that happened over the summer, when me and

Rowley were still friends. I used to go up to

Rowley’s house just about every day, but the

problem was that I had to walk past Fregley’s

house each time.

I remembered Rodrick saying that a person could

make it all the way from our house to the top of

the hill by crawling through the drainage pipe.

48

I decided to see if he was right, and believe it

or not, he was. It was pretty dark and nasty

in that drainage pipe, but it was totally worth

crawling through it to avoid Fregley.

When I headed back home, I went through the

drainage pipe again.

49

But I probably should’ve hosed off in the front

yard or something, because Mom seemed suspicious

when I walked through the front door.

I knew Mom would have a fit if she found out I

crawled through the drainage pipe, so I didn’t

say anything. But Mom told me I was gonna

have to take a shower before dinner. When I

got out of the bathroom, there was something

sitting on my bed.

Sniff

sniff

I opened it up and found a stick of deodorant

and a book.

What the Heck

Just Happened to

MY BODY?

by Darlene

Wade, Ph.D.

I put the deodorant on my dresser, but I tossed

the book in the trash. I’d seen that one before.

Mom must’ve gotten the same book for Rodrick

when he was my age, and I found it in his junk

drawer. And believe me, I do not need to see the

pictures in that book a second time.

51

And what’s worse is that Mom made me the

subject of her parenting column in our local paper

that week. She didn’t use my actual name, but I

don’t think it would’ve taken a detective to figure

out who she was talking about.

Puberty can be a

difficult time

Susan

Heffley

When a child begins to experience

the changes that come with

adolescence, the transformation can

be uncomfortable, awkward, or

even frightening. But given the

right guidance, a child can learn to

welcome, and even celebrate, the

transition into adulthood. My

second-born son recently began his

wondrous journey into his new

Sunday

Tonight Mom called a “house meeting.” And

whenever she does that, it’s never good. The last

time we had a house meeting, it was so she could

complain about the situation in the bathroom.

52

She said she was tired of having to clean the floor

around the toilet because of our “lousy aim.”

I knew exactly what she was talking about, too.

One time I actually missed the bus because I used

the bathroom after Manny.

greg, you’re

gonna miss

the bus!

i think i’m

stuck to

the floor!

All I can say is, I’m not the one causing the

problem. When Rodrick uses the bathroom, half

the time he doesn’t even turn on the light.

Mom said the new rule was that us boys were

gonna have to sit down every time we used the

bathroom, no matter what.

53

But none of us guys liked THAT idea. Rodrick

suggested we just buy a couple of urinals, since

there are more of US than there are of HER.

Plus, that way, more than one person could go at

the same time.

But Mom said that would be “tacky,” and she used

her veto power to shut his idea down.

I thought tonight’s house meeting was gonna be

a follow-up to the bathroom meeting, since nobody

was following the sitting-down rule and things

are worse than ever. But this meeting was about

something completely different.

54

Mom told us that she was going back to school

and that she was gonna start taking classes a

few times a week.

Well, I was totally caught off guard by this

news. Mom’s ALWAYS there when I get home

from school, and that’s the way I like it.

here

you go!

dump

But Mom said that after all these years of

staying at home with us kids, she needs to do

something that stimulates her mind. So she said

she’s gonna take classes for a semester and see

how it goes.

55

I guess I can understand why Mom would want

to branch out, because if I did the kinds of

things she does every day, I’d probably be going

bananas, too.

Mom said us men are gonna have to make our own

dinners a few nights a week and start doing

chores that she usually takes care of herself.

Mommy & Me

DANCE CLASS

One of those chores is making lunches, and to be

honest with you, I’m pretty happy that one is

getting turned over to us.

56

Mom writes a note on our lunch bags every day,

and I can definitely live without THAT.

Wednesday

OK, so the first few nights with Mom away have

been a disaster. We tried making dinner on our

own on Monday, but none of us knew what we

were doing.

Dear Gregory-

Have a healthy,

happy day!

Love,

Mom

Manny was in charge of making the iced tea,

but it was undrinkable since he stirred it with his

bare hands.

stir

stir

57

Rodrick was in charge of cooking the roast beef,

but he forgot to take the plastic wrap off before

putting it in the oven.

why is this

meat shiny?

So we bagged the homemade meal idea and went out

to eat. When we left the restaurant, Rodrick spit

his gum at some moths that were flying around, and

he hit Dad by accident.

spit

58

Dad chased Rodrick around the parking lot, but

Rodrick is actually pretty fast, and Dad couldn’t

catch him. Then Dad tripped over a curb and

twisted his ankle.

trip

So Rodrick had to drive Dad to the emergency

room. When the doctor asked Dad how he hurt

his ankle, Dad said he wasn’t looking where he was

going and he stepped on one of Manny’s trucks in

the driveway.

59

I can kind of understand why Dad didn’t want

to tell the truth. One time I broke my wrist,

and I told everyone I broke it in a fistfight.

What REALLY happened was that I tried to

stand up after my legs fell asleep from sitting on

the toilet too long. But I liked my version better.

wuuuh?

So it’s only been a few days without Mom, and

things are already starting to fall apart. We’ve

got one serious injury so far, and who knows

what’s in store down the road.

Thursday

We brought back leftovers from the Spaghetti

Barn, and that’s what we had for dinner

tonight. Dad had to stay late at work, so he

called Rodrick and told him to warm up everyone’s

spaghetti in the microwave.

60

Rodrick gave me my plate first, and when he did,

he said—

careful, it’s

very hot!

smack

smack

I blew on my spaghetti for a while to cool it

down. But what I didn’t know was that Rodrick

never actually heated my spaghetti in the

microwave—he just pretended to.

So when I bit into a meatball, it was ice cold.

ptoo!

After that experience, I doubt I’ll ever be able

to eat leftovers again.

61

And the bagged lunch thing isn’t working out,

either. This week Rodrick was in charge of making

lunches, and he wrote a note on my bag, just like

Mom does.

Dear Greg,

Make sure

to change

your diaper

after lunch.

Love,

Mommy

I didn’t even bother eating the sandwich, since

I’ve never seen Rodrick wash his hands even once.

toss

62

My chore for the week is laundry, and I can’t

wait until my shift is over. For the record, I

think it should be illegal for a boy to have to fold

his mother’s underwear.

Friday

One of the big changes with Mom going to school

is that now Dad’s in charge of helping me with my

homework. No offense to Dad, but Mom is WAY

better at homework help than he is. When Mom

helps me do my homework, she basically gives me all

the answers, and I’m in and out in ten minutes.

the capital of

russia rhymes

with “noscow”.

m- m- m-

boscow?

moscow!

63

It’s a whole different story with Dad. He wants

to teach me HOW to do the work, and that’s a

lot more time-consuming. Plus, it’s been a long time

since Dad was in school, so I have to sit there

and wait while he reads my textbooks and gets

caught up.

hmmm…

But math is the worst. I guess the way they

teach math these days is totally different from

the way they taught it when Dad was a kid, so

he gets frustrated with the new rules and starts

trying to teach me the way he learned it.

no, no, no…you

need to add the

numbers in this

column and

carry the four.

what does

“carry”

mean?

64

Dad also licks his finger and his thumb to make

it easier for him to turn the pages. And when he

does that, I try and keep track of which pages

he turns so I don’t touch his spit.

But with all those numbers in my head, it doesn’t

leave a lot of room for math facts.

28…29…

32…35…

37…

I can tell when I’ve done something wrong,

because Dad gets kind of frustrated with me

and breathes real heavy out of his nose. So I’ve

learned to put a dish towel on my arm whenever

we’re working on Algebra.

lick

65

By the time it’s over, two hours have gone by and

it’s time for me to go to bed. All I can say is,

I hope Mom wraps up her classes pretty quick,

because I’m a person who really needs his TV time

at night.

Monday

This math thing is becoming a problem. We have

“standardized testing” coming up at my school,

and I heard that the teachers won’t get their

bonuses unless we get good scores. So there’s a

lot of pressure on us kids, which kind of stinks.

I remember back in kindergarten, math used to

be really FUN.

one chocolate chip

cookie plus another

chocolate chip

cookie is…

two! two

chocolate

chip cookies!!!

66

Mrs. Mackelroy says that if we don’t do well on the

test, we’ll lose our budget and music class will turn

into detention, or something like that. But I don’t

think kids are really getting the message. A few

weeks ago we had a math quiz, and Mrs. Mackelroy

said it was “open notebook,” which meant we could

use our notes and textbooks to help us out.

Then she left the classroom to take care of

something, and the second she stepped out the

door, it was total chaos.

biff

tear

shake

shake

rip!

Practically everybody failed the quiz because people

were using their notebook paper and books as

ammunition.

67

So, based on that episode, I don’t think Mrs.

Mackelroy had better make any big plans for how

she’s gonna spend her bonus.

October

Tuesday

Tonight Dad walked up to me while I was sitting

on the couch, and he seemed bent out of shape

about something. He wanted to know why I

didn’t bring out the recycling bin this morning like

he asked me to.

I told him he must be confused, because he never

said anything to me about the recycling. But he

said he asked me to do it last night while I was

playing video games, and to be honest with you,

that did seem a little familiar.

68

If I DID forget, it wasn’t my fault. I actually

have a really GREAT system for remembering

things.

You know how some people leave notes for

themselves when they need to remember

something? Well, I think that’s a lot of work,

and it’s a waste of paper, too.

So let’s say I’m in bed and Mom walks into my

room and tells me I have to bring a permission slip

to school in the morning. I don’t get out of bed

and write a note.

69

I just throw one of my pillows across the room.

Then, when I wake up in the morning and go to

walk out the door, I see the pillow and think,

“Hey, what’s this pillow doing here?”

toss

70

Then I remember, “Oh yeah, I have to bring a

permission slip to school.” See what I mean? It’s

totally foolproof.

Now that I think of it, I DID leave myself

a reminder to take out the recycling. I

SPECIFICALLY remember putting my socks on

the TV before I went to bed, to remind myself

in the morning.

And if Dad did something to mess up my system,

he’s only got himself to blame.

But Dad wouldn’t let it go. He said now that

I’m getting older, I need to start being

more “responsible.”

71

I’ve heard this sort of thing from Dad before.

The last few weeks of the summer, our neighbor,

Ms. Grove, hired me to take care of her plants

while she was on a business trip. Well, I did it for

the first few days, and then I guess you could

say I got busy with other things.

When Dad asked me how the plants were doing,

I realized I hadn’t been over there in at least

a WEEK. I went to grab Ms. Grove’s key so I

could water her plants, but the key wasn’t in its

usual spot.

I practically turned our house upside down looking

for that key, but I couldn’t find it.

72

It turns out the reason I couldn’t find the key

was because it wasn’t in our house. I’d left it at

Ms. Grove’s, and she found it when she got back

from her trip.

Ms. Grove was pretty mad that her key was

in the front door, but the way I see it, she

should’ve been happy nobody robbed her house.

She was mad about her plants, too, because

unfortunately most of them didn’t make it. I

suggested that maybe she should buy a cactus or

another plant that doesn’t need a lot of water

to survive.

73

That way, everything would be fine if I lost her

key the NEXT time she went on a business trip.

But Ms. Grove said she wouldn’t hire me again even

if her life depended on it. Then she sent me home

without paying, which stinks, because I really did

spend a lot of time looking for that key.

Anyway, I think that episode is still fresh in

Dad’s mind, and that’s why I’m hearing this

“responsibility” thing again.

Hopefully, Dad will leave my socks on the

television next time around and things won’t get

to this point.

74

Thursday

Well, Dad is really serious about me taking on more

responsibility. And the first thing he wants me to

do is start waking myself up in the morning.

That’s actually a real problem, because I depend

on HIM to wake me up.

hup hup hup.

let’s go,

let’s go!

zzzzz

clap

clap

clap

That’s the way we’ve been doing it for YEARS,

and I really don’t see any reason to change

things now.

Dad said that if I don’t learn to wake myself up

with an alarm clock, then I’m not gonna know

how to do it when I go off to college.

75

But I always figured that would be the way me

and Dad would stay in touch.

zzz

hello?

hup hup hup.

let’s go,

let’s go!

Yesterday was the first day I tried to wake

myself up, and it didn’t work out so well. My alarm

went off and all, but the sound just worked its

way into my dream.

meep!

meep!

meep!

cut it

out!

meep!

meep!

meep!

76

And today didn’t go any better. I set my alarm

to “radio” and tuned it to a classical music station

because I didn’t want to hear that annoying beep

first thing in the morning. But the music didn’t

wake me up, either.

The problem is, without an actual human being

waking me up, my brain is always gonna find some

excuse to keep sleeping. But I think I might’ve

figured out a solution to this alarm clock situation.

I found one of those old-style windup clocks in

the storage room today, and those clocks make a

huge racket when they go off.

77

I tested it out to see if it still worked, and sure

enough, it did.

riiinnng

I don’t think ANYONE could sleep through a

noise like THAT. The only problem is that the

clock doesn’t have a “snooze” bar, so I’m worried

I’ll shut it off and fall back asleep.

So tonight I hid the clock under my bed. This

way, when the alarm goes off, I’ll have to get up

to find the clock, and then I’ll be up for the day.

Friday

It turns out the new alarm clock caused some

new problems.

78

With that windup clock ticking under my bed, I

felt like I was sleeping on top of a bomb that

was about to go off. So the stress kept me awake

half the night.

tick tick

tick tick

I sleepwalked through my day at school, which

was fine until we had an assembly. We were lined

up to go into the auditorium, and I was leaning

against the wall.

But I must’ve fallen asleep for half a second,

because my hand slipped and I accidentally set off

the fire alarm.

79

The whole school had to evacuate, and three

minutes later there were a bunch of fire trucks

out front.

After they found out there was no fire, they let

everyone back into the school. The principal got

on the loudspeaker and said that whoever set off

the alarm was gonna be suspended and that they

should turn themselves in.

80

I don’t know much, but what I DO know is

that you shouldn’t announce what the punishment

is gonna be BEFORE you ask people to turn

themselves in. So I decided it would be smart to

keep quiet and let this all blow over.

After third period, a rumor started going around

school that the fire alarm squirts out invisible

liquid when you pull the handle, and that the

teachers had some sort of special X-ray wand

they could use to see the liquid on somebody’s

hand. So it was only a matter of time before they

found the culprit.

Then everyone started wondering if it was the

TEACHERS who started the rumor and it was

just a trick to see which kid would go to the

bathroom first to wash his hands.

81

So that got everyone really paranoid.

boys

Then nobody would go to the bathroom, and

everyone who actually needed to go decided to just

hold it until the end of the day.

tap

tap

tap

The principal eventually had to shut the school

down early because nobody was washing their hands

and we’re right in the middle of flu season.

82

Mom was off at the library studying, so I had to

call Dad at work and ask him to come pick me up

from school early. And he didn’t seem too happy

about it.

But if he didn’t make me wake myself up, none of

this would’ve even happened.

Wednesday

They’re starting a new unit in our Health class

called “The Facts of Life,” and apparently it

covers all the stuff they’ve been dancing around

for the past couple of months. They sent

permission slips home, and if you don’t get yours

signed, you’re not allowed to even be in the

classroom for the rest of the semester.

83

I really don’t like this permission slip thing. Mom

only lets me watch G-rated movies, so I know

there’s no way she’ll let me be in the class.

To get around that problem, I typed up a fake

note and taped it on top of the actual permission

slip.

I give my child permission

to do extra homework.

Signature of parent/guardian

Luckily, Mom didn’t look at the paper too closely,

and I got the signature I needed.

now that was

an easy decision!

84

I’m actually glad they’re doing this “Facts of

Life” unit, because I have a lot of questions about

this stuff, and I don’t have a reliable way of

getting answers.

Just about everything I know in this department

comes from Albert Sandy, and I’m starting to

wonder if he’s been feeding me bad information.

Like last week, he told everyone at the lunch table

that it’s medically impossible for a girl to fart.

Well, I know that’s not true because of the time

Mom hugged Aunt Dorothy on Christmas Eve.

toot!

85

Anyway, today was the first day of the “Facts

of Life” unit, and sure enough, Nurse Powell

sent the kids whose parents wouldn’t sign their

permission slips down to the library to be “special

helpers” for the day.

The rest of us were pretty excited, because we

couldn’t wait to hear all the juicy stuff Nurse

Powell was about to tell us.

But it didn’t go the way I expected at ALL.

Nurse Powell put some charts up on the easel and

started talking about “zygotes” and “chromosomes”

and a whole bunch of other scientific nonsense.

86

rna

dna

xx xy

I kept waiting for her to tell us this was all a

big joke and then get to the good stuff, but

it never happened. So I’m guessing the school is

just trying to confuse us to make us lose interest.

Anyway, if the school IS trying to confuse us,

they’re doing a pretty good job. At lunch we

tried to explain what we learned in the “Facts

of Life” unit to the kids who didn’t get their

permission slips signed, and we couldn’t agree on a

single thing.

no, no,

no!

87

Saturday

Another thing Dad’s in charge of now that Mom’s

back in school is taking us kids to our dentist

appointments.

Most kids don’t like going to the dentist, but I

actually look FORWARD to it. I’ve been going

to the same dentist since I was two years old,

and they are totally my type of operation.

Tender Hugs

Pediatric Dental Care

We cater to

cowards!

Tall Pines

Shopping Mall

Peanut

But the main reason I like going to the dentist

is because I am TOTALLY in love with the

hygienist who works there, Rachel.

88

Rachel always lectures me about brushing and

flossing and all that, but she’s so cute that it’s

hard to take her seriously.

Mom’s always getting after me about flossing, too.

She says that if I don’t take better care of my

teeth, I’m gonna end up with dentures before I

go to college.

your gums are in

very bad shape.

you’re going to

need to floss

every day from

now on.

ok. hee

hee hee!

I’ve been thinking about that, and maybe false

teeth wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

89

If I had dentures, I could have someone ELSE

take care of my teeth, and I could spend the

extra time doing something I actually enjoy.

The only problem with being in love with your

hygienist is that you only get to see her every six

months when you get your teeth cleaned. So I

have to make the most of every visit.

I’m gonna need

these back by

breakfast.

The last time I had an appointment, I looked

Rachel in the eye the whole time she cleaned my

teeth so she could see I was definitely interested.

Plop

90

This morning I actually went out and bought

some cologne to make an extra-good impression on

her. So when Dad told me to get in the car, I

was ready.

But Dad drove right past my dentist’s office and

got on the highway. I told him that he had

missed the turn and that Tender Hugs Dental

Care was back the other way.

91

But Dad said I’m “too old” to keep going to a

kids’ dentist, so starting today he was switching

me over to his dentist, Dr. Kagan.

I got a chill up my spine when he said that name.

I’ve seen Dr. Kagan’s billboards on the highway,

and I get the impression he has a totally

different approach than Tender Hugs.

DR. SALAZAR KAGAN

oral surgery

and general dentistry

ROOT CANALS

ABSCESS DRAINAGE

BONE GRAFTING

“Because bad oral health is nothing to smile about.”

I tried to get Dad to change his mind, but he

said he already did the paperwork to switch me over

and there was no turning back. I thought about

making a run for it, but Dad must’ve known what

I was thinking, because he locked the car doors.

92

Dr. Kagan’s office was even scarier than I

pictured it. He didn’t have any coloring books or

toys or the kinds of things they have in the

Tender Hugs waiting room.

Dr. Kagan was waiting for me in his office, and

all his sharp metal instruments and drills were

right out in the open for me to see when I

walked in.

jiggle

jiggle

jiggle

you’d better

hope you

flossed

gum disease

it’s probably

already too late

open wide

shudder

shudder

93

So I could tell this guy wasn’t fooling around.

After I sat down in the chair, Dr. Kagan

started grilling me about my eating and drinking

habits. He actually got MAD when I told him

I drink soda, and he went in the side room and

brought out a jar filled with brown liquid that had

a rotten tooth in it.

94

He told me this is what happened to a real tooth

when it was left in a jar of soda for twenty-four

hours. I told Dr. Kagan I would make sure I

never left my teeth in a jar of soda overnight.

I’m pretty sure he thought I was being

sarcastic, but I was just trying to show him I

was paying attention.

Then he cleaned my teeth. I started to panic,

because if there’s one person you don’t want to

be mad at you, it’s the guy who’s got metal tools

poking around in your mouth.

At one point, Dr. Kagan started doing X-rays.

He put a piece of plastic between my teeth and

told me to bite down. Then he took an X-ray and

got the next piece of plastic ready.

95

After two or three X-rays, I started to get the

hang of it, and so when Dr. Kagan did my molars,

I bit down on the plastic before he even told me

to. At least I THOUGHT it was the plastic. It

turns out it was actually Dr. Kagan’s finger.

aiiiieeee!

chomp

Well, if he was mad before, it was NOTHING

compared to this.

Dr. Kagan told me to go out to the waiting room

while he worked on my “diagnosis.” I was pretty

sure he was gonna come back and tell Dad I

needed to get a root canal or something so he

could get even with me.

96

But Dr. Kagan actually did something even

WORSE. He told Dad I needed to take “major

corrective measures” for my overbite, and he gave

Dad this pamphlet—

Your Child

Needs

HEADGEAR

Dr. Kagan said I would need to wear my

headgear at all times, especially during the day

when I’m at school. So obviously he’s trying to

ruin my social life.

97

Monday

When I woke up this morning, I couldn’t find my

headgear where I left it, so I had to go to school

without it. Not that I’m complaining or anything.

In Health class Nurse Powell told us we were

going to be starting a new unit about parenting.

She said that being a mother or a father is a big

responsibility and that in this unit we were gonna

learn that taking care of a baby is no piece of cake.

Then she took out a carton of eggs. She said each

one of us was gonna have to take our egg home

and return it to class the next day.

And the rule was that we had to return our

egg to her in perfect shape, with no cracks in it

or anything.

98

Now, I don’t know what a chicken egg has to

do with a baby, but this is one of those situations

that make me wonder if I’d be getting a better

education if Mom and Dad switched me over to

private school.

Then Nurse Powell said this egg thing was gonna

count for 25% of our grade.

Well, when Nurse Powell mentioned grades, I got

really nervous. I’m already failing Algebra, and

I don’t need to flunk out of Health, too. So I

knew I was gonna have to keep my egg safe.

The other boys didn’t seem too worried about

THEIR grades, judging by what happened after

class let out.

99

I heard it took the janitor all afternoon to scrub

the yolks off the lockers.

splat

blap

The only boy besides me who didn’t break his egg

right away was Rowley, who tucked it in his shirt

pocket.

come

along,

rowley

junior.

pat

pat

I didn’t have a shirt pocket or anywhere safe

to put MY egg, so I needed to figure out

something quick.

100

I ended up getting a huge wad of toilet paper

from the bathroom and stuffing it into my

backpack for cushioning. I had to take some of

my books out so they wouldn’t crush the egg, so

I guess that means I won’t be doing my History

homework tonight.

I’m nervous around eggs anyway, because of an

incident that happened last year.

My family got invited to the Snellas’ house for

another one of their kids’ half-birthday parties.

The Snellas had a table set up with all sorts of

food, and most of it looked too fancy for me. But

I knew Mom would think it was rude if I didn’t

put something on my plate.

Stuff

stuff

101

The only thing I could actually recognize was the

deviled eggs, because I had them at Gramma’s

house a couple of times.

I put about ten of them on my plate. But when

I bit into one, I gagged. The deviled eggs at

the Snellas’ house didn’t taste ANYTHING like

the ones Gramma makes, and now I had a whole

plate full of them.

So I waited until no one was looking, and then I

dumped all the deviled eggs in this plastic plant in

the dining room.

Dump

102

I got away with it, but a few weeks later Mrs.

Snella told Mom there was a really bad smell in

their house and they couldn’t figure out where it

was coming from.

At first Mr. and Mrs. Snella thought the smell

was coming from the carpet, so they hired a

cleaner to come shampoo the rug. But that didn’t

solve the problem, and they thought maybe a

squirrel or a mouse died in their walls. So they had

a carpenter come in to try to find it.

After a few weeks, I guess they couldn’t take

the smell anymore, so they moved out.

Rripp

103

And I have to admit I felt a little bit guilty

when I saw they were taking their plastic plant

with them.

Ever since, I’ve been trying to figure out how to

sneak some deviled eggs into Fregley’s house.

Tuesday

Yesterday when I got home, I put my egg in my

sock drawer, but then I realized it wouldn’t be

safe in there.

Whenever I have something new, Manny finds a

way to get to it and wreck it.

104

In fact, it only took a day and a half for Manny

to find my headgear. And I don’t care WHAT

Dr. Kagan says, there’s no way I’m putting

THAT thing in my mouth again.

I thought about hiding the egg at the top of my

closet, but that wouldn’t stop Manny. I hid some

comic books up there once, but that boy can climb

like a monkey.

105

What I realized is that the more work I

put into hiding something, the better chance

Manny has of finding it. So I decided to hide

my egg in an obvious spot where he would never

think to look.

I put it in the refrigerator on the second shelf.

But this morning I opened the refrigerator to

get my egg, and it wasn’t where I left it.

I went into a panic, and I asked Mom if she’d

seen Manny take my egg out of the refrigerator.

But Mom said SHE was the one who took it, and

that’s what she was making me for breakfast.

106

All of a sudden I felt a little sick to my stomach.

I realized that if I couldn’t even take care of an

egg for twenty-four hours, I definitely have no

business ever being a parent.

When I got to school, I noticed that all the

girls in my Health class had gotten THEIR eggs

to school safely. Some of the girls were carrying

theirs around in little pouches they’d sewn, and a

few of them had even accessorized their eggs with

sparkles and glitter and stuff like that.

107

I’m pretty sure the point of the lesson was to

teach us how hard it is to take care of a baby,

so I don’t think the girls were really getting

the message.

I was thinking about swiping Rowley’s egg when

he wasn’t looking and passing it off as my own,

but he had drawn all over his in crayon, so that

wasn’t an option.

108

When Nurse Powell came to my desk, I pulled out

the plastic baggie that had my scrambled egg in

it, but she didn’t seem too impressed.

can i at least

get partial

credit?

So I guess that means I’m probably gonna be in

summer school to repeat Health class.

Nurse Powell congratulated everyone who kept

their eggs in perfect condition overnight. Then she

collected all the eggs and threw them in the trash.

Dump

109

Well, that sent Rowley and the girls into hysterics.

All I can say is, this whole episode has got me

seriously concerned about the next generation of

parents in our country.

Friday

This afternoon there was a knock on the door,

and when I opened it I was pretty surprised to

see Grandpa standing there.

110

I was kind of confused, because he had his

overnight bag with him. But when I turned

around and saw Mom and Dad with THEIR

luggage, I figured out what was going on.

Mom and Dad said they haven’t gotten to spend a

lot of time together lately, so they decided to go on

a “romantic weekend getaway.” They asked Grandpa

to come by and watch us while they were gone.

I wish they didn’t have to go and throw the

word “romantic” in there, because that part was

definitely too much information for me.

Mom and Dad don’t trust me and Rodrick to be

home alone, because the LAST time they left us

on our own, Rodrick had a huge party.

111

Whenever Mom and Dad go away, they usually

leave us with Gramma. But Gramma’s on a cruise

with her friends, so that’s why we got stuck

with Grandpa.

Mom and Dad don’t give us any advance warning

when they go away. For their anniversary, we

didn’t even know they were gone until they called.

we’re in

hawaii!

The LAST time they left us at our own house

with Grandpa was when me and Rodrick were

really little. I don’t remember everything that

went wrong that week, but I do remember that

he dropped me off for T-ball practice at the

wrong time and at the wrong field.

112

I don’t think Rodrick was crazy about the idea of

having Grandpa as a babysitter, because the second

Mom and Dad left, Rodrick took off.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a van or a driver’s

license of my own, so I was stuck with Grandpa

and Manny.

let’s play

gin rummy!

SCREECH

Shuffle

113

Manny went straight to bed, even though it

was only 4:30 in the afternoon. So that left

just me and Grandpa.

Grandpa made grilled cheese sandwiches with the

crusts cut off for dinner, which I haven’t had

since I was really little. We watched some TV,

but then at 7:00 Grandpa shut it off and asked

me if I wanted him to read me a story. I haven’t

had a bedtime story since I was in kindergarten,

but I didn’t wanna hurt Grandpa’s feelings, so I

just went along with it.

Saturday

Since I went to bed at 7:30 last night, I woke

up really early this morning.

114

And when I came downstairs, I saw a big white

binder sitting out on the kitchen table.

taking care of

Gregory & Rodrick

A

to

Z

All of a sudden the grilled cheese sandwiches and

the story and the early bedtime all made sense.

Grandpa was using the manual Mom made for him

the LAST time he took care of us at home, eight

or nine years ago.

I flipped through the pages, and sure enough, it

was filled with instructions for how to take care

of us when we were little kids.

115

And at least 95% of it was totally outdated.

R

is for red

fruit juice

Do not let Rodrick drink

any before bedtime as

it makes him extremely

hyperactive.

Some of the stuff in there was actually pretty

embarrassing. I’m just glad I found the manual

before Rodrick did, or he’d never let me hear the

end of it.

S

is for

sneakers

Gregory calls his

sneakers “wild boys.”

He does not know

how to tell his left

and right shoes apart

so he will need help

getting them on.

116

I flipped to the page with “T” on it, and here’s

what I found—

T

is for

television

The boys may watch

up to thirty minutes

of educational

programming a day.

I don’t think I’m gonna survive a whole weekend

with Grandpa if I’m not allowed to watch a lot

of TV, so I ripped out the page and drew up a

new one.

T

is for

television

Gregory is allowed

to watch as much

as he likes.

117

Then I realized that the “S” page was on the

back of the “T” page, so I had to replace that

one, too.

S

is for

spanking

It’s what you should

do to Rodrick if he ever

leaves the house without

asking first.

Monday

Unfortunately, Mom and Dad got home before

Rodrick did yesterday, and Grandpa went back to

his condo. Which is a shame, because I was really

keeping my fingers crossed on that “S” thing.

Mom said that she and Dad did a lot of talking

over the weekend, and they agreed that things

have started to slip around the house ever since

she started going back to school.

118

I figured Mom was gonna chew us guys out for

not doing our share, but she actually said she was

gonna HIRE someone to help with the cleaning.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The words

Mom used were “domestic help,” but I knew that

was just code for “maid.”

I guess Mom was pretty embarrassed about having

to hire someone to help out with the household

chores, because she asked us all not to mention it

to anyone.

Well, I’m sorry, but opportunities like this don’t

come around too often for me, so it was a little

hard to keep quiet at school.

we’re getting

a maid!

119

Chirag Gupta said his family doesn’t NEED a maid

and that he was glad his mom is there when he

comes home from school every day.

chew

chew

But I’m sure that’s what all the non-maid people

say to make themselves feel better.

Tomorrow is our maid Isabella’s first day. I

thought that meant we could all kick back and be

a little extra slobby, since someone would be picking

up after us, but Mom made everyone clean the

house tonight. She said she didn’t want Isabella

thinking we lived in a “pigsty.”

vroom

vroom

120

Tuesday

Today when I got home from school, Isabella

was in the family room watching a talk show. I

guess I can’t really blame her for loafing around,

since we had done all the cleaning for her. But she

stayed for about two hours and totally hogged

the TV.

today on

“darlena”…

backstabbing

best friends!

mm mm

mm.

Tonight when Mom got home after her classes,

she was amazed at how spotless the house was.

I don’t think she remembered that WE were the

ones who did all the work.

121

But she seemed happy, so I didn’t want to spoil

it for her.

I wasn’t as happy as Mom. Last night I left

Isabella a note asking her to take care of my

laundry. I wasn’t sure if she would take orders

from a kid, so I made the note look like it was

from Mom.

Dear Isabella,

Please do my son

Gregory’s laundry.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Heffley

122

I’m technically supposed to do my OWN laundry,

and I didn’t want Mom to find out I was asking

Isabella to do it for me. So I put this line at

the bottom—

P.S. Now that you’ve read

my note, you should just

throw it out.

Dear Mrs. Heffley,

now, which child

is Gregory again?

Isabella

Then I put the note on top of the bag and

left it out where Isabella would see it. I was

expecting to come home and find all my laundry in

neat, folded piles on my bed, but instead I got a

note BACK from Isabella.

Luckily, I got home before Mom did, or she would’ve

found it.

123

That really stunk, because I had to haul my

laundry bag all the way back upstairs. And let

me tell you, it was a lot harder going up than

coming down.

Isabella doesn’t come back until Thursday, so I

guess I’ll have to wait until then to take another

crack at it.

This is actually pretty exciting for me, because

I’ve never had anyone I could farm my work out

to. Rodrick is ALWAYS tricking me into doing

stuff for HIM.

He’ll start by asking me to do something, and I

always say no.

124

Then he starts counting down from ten. And I

don’t know why, but that gets to me every time.

go get me

some ice

cream.

no

way!

10…9…

8…

zow

I’ve found out that kind of thing doesn’t work

on adults.

125

Last week I tried to get Dad to fetch the TV

remote, because I left it on the kitchen table.

But he didn’t even move a muscle.

10… 9…

8…

Anyway, I’m hoping Isabella comes through for

me on Thursday. I’ve been wearing the same socks

for a few days now, and they’re starting to feel

like cardboard.

Thursday

Ok, now this is starting to get a little ridiculous.

Last night I dragged my laundry back downstairs

and left another note for Isabella.

126

But instead of clean laundry, I just got

another note.

Dear Isabella,

Gregory is the child whose bedroom

has blue wallpaper. Please wash

and dry his clothes and put them

in his room.

Thank you,

Mrs. Heffley

Dear Mrs. Heffley,

Thank you for the clarification. Now,

would you like me to separate the

darks from the lights or wash them

all together?

Isabella

Now I get Isabella’s act. She’s gonna keep

dragging this out forever. On the one hand, I

kind of have to respect her skill at avoiding work. But on the other hand, I really do need some

clean underwear soon.

127

And what REALLY stinks is that Isabella has

been eating our junk food. I went to get some

pretzels out of the pantry tonight, and the bag

was practically empty.

I noticed the potato chips were gone, too. And

believe it or not, Isabella left a note in the

pantry to complain about our snack selection.

Dear Mrs. Heffley,

Please note that I

prefer farfecue potato

chips over plain ones.

Isabella

Well, the potato chips she ate were barbecue,

but she just didn’t know it. Manny licks the

flavoring off the barbecue chips and puts them

back in the bag. Unfortunately, I had to learn

that the hard way.

chew

128

Monday

Mom went out and bought a bunch of snacks just

for Isabella and put them in the pantry, and the

rest of us aren’t allowed to touch them.

Today at school they announced that they’re

going to have a special fundraiser for the music

program, called a “Lock-In.” From what I can

tell, it’s sort of like a big boy-girl slumber party,

so you can definitely count me in.

psst

We’re having a

Lock-In

this Friday night!

Your child is invited to a night of supervised

fun in the middle school auditorium. The

event goes from dusk till dawn and features

games and prizes.

Chaperones needed!

Admission is $5 and all proceeds will go to

the Save Our Music Program fund.

fun!

games!

129

Tuesday

The only thing that bothered me was the

“chaperone” part. So I cut that out before I

showed it to Mom.

All right, I’ve had it with our maid. I gave

her one more shot at doing my laundry, and she

weaseled out of it again.

This is what I found sitting on top of the

laundry bag when I got home—

Dear Isabella,

It is fine to mix the lights and

darks together. Please take

care of this at your earliest

convenience as Gregory is

out of clean clothes for school.

Mrs. Heffley

130

I officially give up. Since we always clean the

house before Isabella comes, I’m pretty sure the

only “work” she does is writing these notes.

And it gets worse. When I got into bed tonight,

I felt something at the bottom of my sheets. So

I reached down and found what I think was a

panty hose sock.

Dear Mrs. Heffley,

Thank you for the clarification

on how to handle the lights and

the darks. Unfortunately, I have

misplaced your earlier note in

which you stated who Gregory is.

Isabella

Sniff

sniff

131

That means Isabella has been taking naps in

MY BED. I went into Mom’s room and told her

that I think she made a mistake hiring Isabella

and that she should let her go.

But Mom didn’t want to hear it. She said that

the house has been “immaculate” ever since we hired

her and that everyone should be grateful for the

work she’s doing for us. So Isabella’s got Mom

TOTALLY fooled.

All I can say is, if being a maid means watching

TV all day, eating snacks, and taking naps in my

bed, then I guess I’ve finally found a career I

can get excited about.

132

November

Saturday

Dad dropped me off at school at 8:00 last night

for the Lock-In, and the second I walked

through the door, I knew I made a huge

mistake. It was, like, 90% boys and 10% girls.

And even worse, ROWLEY was there.

I turned to leave, but one of the chaperones had

already locked the door. So I was stuck there for

the night with everyone else.

133

I’m guessing most of the girls in my class decided

not to go to the Lock-In and the ones who DID

show up just didn’t get the word in time.

I decided I was gonna have to make the most

of it, and I walked into the auditorium, where

everyone else was taking their stuff. The first

thing I noticed was that there was at least one

adult for every kid, which is not really a great

recipe for wild times.

Most of the chaperones were parents, but a few

of them were teachers. And something tells me

the teachers were only there because they didn’t

have a choice.

134

I plopped my stuff down on the stage, where all

the other kids were. Then I noticed that Rowley

was there, so I moved my stuff to the other

side of the stage.

I think most of the kids had already written

off the night, because just about everyone was

playing with whatever electronic gadget they

brought with them.

beep boop

tap

tap

tap

I didn’t even THINK of bringing my video

games, and I didn’t have a magazine or anything

to entertain myself. So I asked one of the

grown-ups what I could do.

Mrs. Barnum told me there was an “activity

center” in the corner for anyone who needed to

take a “fun break” during the night.

135

But all of the activities were little-kid stuff.

Activity

Center

I decided to just sit on my sleeping bag with my

hands folded on my lap instead.

At 9:00 the adults said it was time for “party

games,” but nobody heard them because everyone

had headphones on. Mr. Tanner said people

needed to be “social,” so he confiscated all the cell

phones, music players, and whatever else kids had

and put them in a garbage bag.

Ball Pit

136

Then we all sat in a circle in the middle of the

auditorium. Mrs. Carr said we were gonna play

some “icebreakers” that would help us get to know

each other better.

But the truth is, all of us kids know one another

really well, because we’ve been together since

preschool. In fact, I think we know each other

TOO well.

Mrs. Carr said we were gonna start with something

called the “Name Game,” where everyone goes

around and gives themselves a nickname that

starts with the same letter as their first name,

like “Sporty Seth” or “Funny Fred” or something

like that. The idea was that your nickname would

say something about your personality.

137

Rowley went first.

respectful

rowley!

It was really stressful trying to come up with a

cool-sounding nickname, and my turn was coming up

quick. I finally settled on “Great Greg,” which I

know is a little lame, but it was hard to think of a

decent nickname that starts with the letter “G.”

I guess the kid to my right, George Fleer, was

having the same problem as me.

great

george.

I couldn’t use the same word as George or people

would think I was copying him.

138

So I sat there for a while trying to think of

another good “G” word, but everyone was staring

at me and my mind just went blank.

Then Mrs. Libby chimed in to try and bail me out.

jolly

greg!

Everyone seemed pretty happy with that, even

though “Jolly” doesn’t start with the letter “G.”

And it makes you wonder about our education

system, especially since Mrs. Libby is the eighth-

grade honors English teacher.

I thought “Jolly Greg” was a TERRIBLE

nickname, but before I could come up with

something better, the person to my left went,

and it was too late.

139

So now I was stuck with a stupid nickname for

the rest of the night, and probably until I go

off to college.

After that, we played a game called “I Never

Told Anyone This Before,” where we had to tell

everyone a secret. Mrs. Carr said the game would

help us “bond” with one another, but I think the

REAL purpose was to let the chaperones know

who the troublemakers were.

HELLO

my name is

Jolly Greg

i was the one who

spray painted a bad

word on the front

of the school!

scribble

scribble

140

My theory was proven right later on when Teddy

Caldwell went down the hall to the bathroom and

a chaperone trailed him.

We played a few more icebreakers, but nobody

could concentrate, because every five seconds one

of the cell phones in the electronics bag would

start buzzing or ringing. Then Mr. Tanner would

fish through the bag and try to find the phone

that was ringing so he could shut it off.

buzz

ring

ring

boys

subject approaching

the corridor-three

boys’ bathroom.

141

Eventually he just gave up and locked the bag in

the teachers’ lounge.

After the games were over, we had a fifteen-

minute rest break before our next activity. A

few of us had brought snacks, but there was a

strict no-snack policy, and we had to eat them

undercover.

shake

shake

chew

chew

chew

chew

The chaperones seemed to know EXACTLY who

had the snacks, and they confiscated about 95%

of them. Mr. Farley even found my cherry sour

balls, which were hidden in my pillowcase.

We finally realized that a mole was ratting us out.

It was Justin Spitzer, and he was being paid off

with the snacks the adults collected.

142

The only kid who still had junk food was Jeffrey

Chang, who had a huge bag of cheese puffs. I

think Jeffrey knew it was just a matter of time

before he was caught, so he locked himself in the

boys’ bathroom and tried to enjoy his snack. But

the adults figured out what was going on, and

Jeffrey panicked and got rid of the evidence.

we know

you’re in

there!

pound

pound

shake

shake

143

After our break we got back into the circle, and

Mrs. Dean told us we were gonna play a new game

called “Guess Who?” Then she split us up into ten

teams. I was on Team Three with George Fleer,

Tyson Sanders, and a few other kids.

I was just glad I didn’t have to be on the same

team as Rowley, because that would’ve been totally

uncomfortable.

Here’s how the game worked: Each team had to

go into another room and take a picture of one of

its members. But the picture had to be a close-up,

like of an ear or a nose or a hand or something

like that. Then each team would bring their

picture to the library, and the other teams would

have to guess who was in the picture.

144

Then Mrs. Dean said the winning team would

get ice cream sandwiches from the freezer in the

cafeteria. I have to admit, it sounded like a fun

game. But when she handed out the cameras,

there was practically a riot, since it had been

almost two hours since any of us had access to any

kind of technology.

Then we found out they were those old-fashioned

instant cameras that develop your pictures right

away, and everyone was a little disappointed,

because those kinds don’t have a screen or anything.

insta-shot

145

Our team went down to the science lab, where we

could take our photo in private. The first thing

we had to do was figure out who was gonna be in

the picture.

George Fleer said we should take a picture of his

belly button. But everybody thought that would

be too obvious because George has a serious outie,

and all the other groups would know EXACTLY

who it was.

We tried taking pictures of different kids in our

group, but most of them were too obvious.

Nicky Wood wanted the picture to be of him, but

he’s totally covered in freckles and we couldn’t

find a single part of him that wouldn’t be a dead

giveaway.

146

We took a picture of Christopher Brownfield’s

back, but we caught one of the Team Four kids

spying on us and we had to pick someone else.

HEY!

We took a bunch of pictures of Tyson Sanders,

but the best one was of his bent arm.

FLASH

147

You couldn’t even tell what the picture was of, so

that’s the one we went with.

When all the teams got back together in the

library, we put our picture up on the wall with

everybody else’s. And as soon as we saw the other

pictures, we knew we were gonna win.

SMACK

Some of the pictures were so easy to identify that

it was actually kind of pathetic.

148

In fact, don’t even ask me what the people on

Rowley’s team were thinking.

We were eager to get on with the guessing part

of the game, since we knew nobody would be able to

figure out who was in our picture. But Mr. Tanner

just stood there looking at our photograph.

hmm…

149

Then Mr. Tanner said that he didn’t appreciate

Team Three’s “juvenile stunt” and that we were

disqualified from the competition.

We all looked at one another, trying to figure

out what the heck Mr. Tanner was talking about.

But Mrs. Dean was mad, too. She said it was

completely inappropriate to take a picture of

someone’s “posterior.”

No one on my team knew what “posterior” meant,

but luckily we were in the library, so we looked

it up in the dictionary. And you’ll never believe

this, but it means “butt.” In fact, we found out

that there are about a million OTHER words for

“butt,” too.

hee hee hee hee!

150

But the teachers were MAD. They actually

thought we took a picture of somebody’s butt, and

I guess if you held the picture at a certain angle,

you could see how a person could make a mistake

like that.

Mr. Tanner said he was gonna call our parents

and tell them to come take us home, and he said

that the kid whose butt was in the picture was

gonna be in REALLY big trouble.

I knew that if Mr. Tanner called my parents

at 11:00 at night, they were not gonna be

happy, and I could tell a lot of the other kids

on my team were thinking the same thing. Then

George Fleer made a run for it, which kind of put

everyone into a panic.

151

So the rest of us ran, too.

It was every man for himself, and I ended up

hiding in the music room with Tyson Sanders. We

shut the lights off so nobody would come looking

for us there.

hey!

152

Tyson was really worried that the teachers were

gonna do a butt lineup to try and match the

picture to the right kid. But I told Tyson he

didn’t have anything to worry about, because he

pulls his pants all the way down when he uses the

urinal, so everyone already knows what his butt

looks like.

Me and Tyson were in the music room for a long

time, but we were finally caught by a couple of

teachers who used Justin Spitzer to sniff us out.

The chaperones brought us down to the library,

where all the other Team Three members were

already rounded up.

153

Well, everyone except Christopher Brownfield,

who for all I know is still hiding behind the soda

machine on the second floor.

Tyson told Mr. Tanner that the picture was of

his arm. Luckily, there’s a mole near Tyson’s elbow

that matched up with the one in the picture, or

I don’t think Mr. Tanner would’ve believed him.

After Mr. Tanner looked at the picture and

Tyson’s arm a few more times, he said he had made

an “innocent mistake” and that any “reasonable

person” would have done the same thing. It

seemed like a pretty lame apology to me, but I

was just glad he wasn’t still talking about calling

our parents.

154

After that, the party games were over, and the

adults said it was time for us to turn in for the

night. I think everyone who went to the Lock-

In was planning on staying up all night, but at

this point I was glad to go to sleep if it meant

the night might go by quicker.

I went to the auditorium to get into my sleeping

bag, which was parked right next to Jennifer

Houseman, who is actually not that bad-looking.

But the grown-ups said the girls needed to take

their stuff and move down the hall to the library

media room and the boys had to stay in the

auditorium.

I was hoping I could get some rest, but a lot

of the guys started horsing around, and it was

impossible to sleep.

155

At one point George Fleer started chasing people

around with his outie, which was pretty terrifying.

See, this is the kind of thing I can’t stand about

boys my age. When it comes down to it, they’re

just a bunch of wild animals.

When George started chasing people around, I

excused myself to go to the bathroom so I could

brush my teeth. The bathroom is in the back of

the auditorium, and the lights were off, so it was

really dark back there.

screeeam!

156

I heard this weird noise, and I got a little

freaked out for a second, because our school has a

problem with rodents. But it turned out to just be

Fregley playing by himself in the ball pit.

Around midnight Mr. Palmero, the school guidance

counselor, told everyone to get into their sleeping

bags and settle down. Then he said there was no

talking for the rest of the night and he didn’t

want to hear a peep out of anyone.

Every once in a while, somebody would cut the

cheese, and that made Mr. Palmero really mad

because he couldn’t figure out who was doing it.

Activity

Center

Boys

swish

swish

Ball Pit

157

After what happened earlier with the pictures,

I think the grown-ups were just really sensitive

about anything having to do with butts.

Mr. Palmero said that if anyone needed to “pass

gas,” they had to go behind the curtain on the

stage to do it.

So then a lot of the boys started taking turns

telling Mr. Palmero they needed to go behind the

curtain, and then they’d make the most obnoxious

noises you can imagine.

toot!

hee hee

hee!

158

That went on for a while, and it kind of reached

its peak when David Rosenburg went down to the

music room and brought back a tuba.

I don’t know if it was a coincidence or not,

but right about that time the heat went off in

the auditorium.

frbbbbbt!

ha ha

ha!

BLARP!

159

In fact, I think someone turned the air

conditioner on. All I know is that everyone

stayed in their sleeping bags after that.

After a while Mr. Palmero fell asleep, but all the

boys were still awake. Some guys were saying this

was like prison, and people were talking about

busting out of there and going home.

The problem was that all the exits were padlocked.

I guess we should’ve known what we were getting

into when they called this thing a “Lock-In.”

shiver

shiver

shiver

chatter

chatter

chatter

chatter

160

Albert Sandy said he’d seen a movie where some

guy busted out of prison with a spoon, and a lot

of people got pretty excited about that idea.

But it turns out that was just a bunch of

Hollywood baloney, because we got some spoons

from the kitchen and we couldn’t even make a

DENT in the linoleum floor.

dink

dink

dink

dink

dink

dink

dink dink

161

At about 1:30 in the morning, someone noticed

flashing lights coming from outside, so we all went

to the back of the auditorium to see what was

going on.

There was a guy from the tow truck company,

and he was walking around Mr. Palmero’s car,

which was parked in a handicapped spot.

We tried to get the towing guy’s attention so he

could break us out of the school.

help

162

But the guy never heard us, and he towed Mr.

Palmero’s car. I thought about waking Mr.

Palmero up to tell him, but I figured we should

just let him get his rest.

By this time it was so cold in the auditorium that

us boys packed ourselves together like sardines to

preserve body heat.

I figured it was probably nice and toasty in the

library media room, and I was seriously thinking

about going back there and joining the girls.

shiver

shiver

shiver

shiver

shiver

163

But I figured I’d get caught and I’d just be

back where I started.

I think I probably fell asleep around 2:30. Then

at 3:00 there was a pounding on the back door

that woke everybody up. Mr. Palmero unlocked the

door, and there was a bunch of angry parents

standing outside.

Apparently, they’d been trying to call their

kids to make sure everything was OK, but the

kids weren’t answering, because Mr. Tanner took

everyone’s cell phones. So then the parents called

one another and everyone got all in a panic.

To make a long story short, the parents who

came to the school took their kids home with

them. And that left the only two kids who didn’t

have their own cell phones: me and Rowley. So

that was pretty awkward.

Something tells me this whole Lock-In idea was

just a scheme set up by the parents and teachers

to turn us kids off to boy-girl parties. And if

that’s true, then mission accomplished.

Activity

Ball Pit

165

Monday

I spent the weekend trying to recover from the

Lock-In, since I got zero sleep on Friday night.

But I think the whole experience was just too

much for my body, because this morning when I

woke up, I was sick.

I admit I’ve faked being sick before to get out

of going to school, but usually Mom calls my bluff.

moan.

well, i guess we’ll

have to go to the

doctor and get

blood work done.

166

But today Mom took my temperature, and I

guess it must’ve been pretty high, because she said

I needed to stay in bed.

She said she had to spend the day at the library

to study for her final test tonight and she wouldn’t

be able to stay home to take care of me. Well, that

kind of stunk, because the only good thing about

being sick is having someone fuss over you.

Mom said Isabella was working today and that if

there was an emergency, I could go to her. But

after Mom left, I locked my bedroom door because

I was afraid Isabella might try to come into my

room to take her nap.

are you strong

enough to lift

this cup?

i…i

guess.

167

I must’ve dozed off around noon, and when I

woke up, there was a lot of commotion downstairs.

The TV was turned up really loud, and I could

hear what sounded like a bunch of women talking.

I looked out the window, and there were a ton of

cars in the driveway and on the street.

I didn’t know what was going on, so I just

stayed in my room. About a half hour later, Mom

pulled up in her car and went inside the house.

Five minutes after that, all these women streamed

out the door, including Isabella.

Mom walked upstairs to my room, and she was

really steamed.

168

She said she decided to come home early from the

library to take care of me, and when she did, she

walked in on a soap opera viewing party with all

the maids from the neighborhood.

Tonight Mom had another house meeting and

said that Isabella’s services would “no longer be

required” and that we were all going to have to

pitch in around the house. I was happy to hear

that, because now I can stop checking my bed for

panty hose socks.

kiss me, rex. kiss

me to help me snap

out of my amnesia!

169

Tuesday

When I got to school today, Rowley was waiting

by my locker, and he had a huge smile on his face.

Then I noticed he had a big pimple right in the

middle of his forehead.

Most people would have stayed home from school

if they had a zit like that, but here’s what

Rowley said—

my mom says

i’m becoming

a man!

170

Well, that really irked me for some reason. But

that wasn’t the end of it.

Later on in the day I saw Rowley hanging out

near the older kids’ lockers. So I guess he thinks

just because he got a pimple, he’s part of their

club now or something.

I think it’s really pathetic that Rowley’s trying

to impress people with his stupid zit.

And believe me, I’m not jealous or anything.

But this is a kid who still sleeps with a pile of

stuffed animals every night, so it doesn’t make

any sense that he would get his first pimple

before I got MINE.

’sup,

fellas?

171

I will say the whole episode has got me thinking.

I’ve been waiting to hit my growth spurt or at

least start growing some facial hair, but things

have been kind of slow going.

And now that Rowley’s got a pimple, I’m kind of

anxious to get things moving along.

When I got home from school today, I checked

myself in the mirror to see if anything seemed

different. But everything looked exactly the same

as it always does.

So after dinner I asked Mom and Dad when I

could expect things to start happening.

172

But they told me that when they were my age,

they were WAY behind their classmates when it

came to this sort of thing.

Then Dad told me not to expect to get a lot of

facial hair even when I’m an adult, because he’s

a grown man and he only needs to shave once or

twice a week.

Well, that was some REALLY bad news. In this

country they’re always saying you can grow up and

be anything you want, but now I realize that’s

not true.

why, I was a

very late

bloomer!

really? so

was I!

ha ha ha ha ha!

173

Wednesday

I can name at least half a dozen jobs I can

never have if I can’t grow a beard or a mustache

or at least some decent stubble.

Today was day two of Rowley’s pimple, and he was

walking around with his hair parted like a curtain

so everyone could get an eyeful of his zit.

magician

pirate

lumberjack

artist

cop

criminal

174

I couldn’t really take another day of this, and

I decided to do something about it. So I wrote a

note and handed it to him in the hallway.

And I’m happy to say my note did the trick.

But right before lunchtime something totally crazy

happened. Our class was heading to the cafeteria,

and when we walked through the hallway where

the older kids have their lockers, Jordan Jury was

standing there with a few of his friends.

Dear Rowley,

Nobody likes your zit.

Signed,

The Girls

shoot.

175

Jordan stopped us and said—

I couldn’t believe it. Like I said before, Jordan

Jury’s parties are LEGENDARY.

hey, dudes,

you’re invited

to my party!

glug

glug

glug

swoosh

squirt

176

But the best thing about Jordan Jury’s parties

is that there are girls there, which means his

parties are totally different from the kind I

usually get invited to.

The point is, this is a real party we’re talking

about, and not like the Lock-In, where there

were a million chaperones running the show.

I have no idea why Jordan Jury invited me and

Rowley to his party. It could’ve been my math

book or Rowley’s zit or both.

But it was pretty clear that he thought me and

Rowley were friends and that the invitation was a

package deal.

Zap

177

And I didn’t want to do anything that might

change his mind.

I can definitely pretend I’m friends with Rowley

for one night if it means I get to play “Spin

the Bottle” with a bunch of girls who are a whole

grade ahead of me.

we

accept!

it landed

right

between

you two!

then i guess

you’ll have

to kiss

both of us!

178

Thursday

You’ll never believe this, but Mom’s not letting me

go to Jordan Jury’s party.

And it’s not because it’s a boy-girl party or because

a bunch of older kids are gonna be there. It’s

because Uncle Gary’s WEDDING is this weekend.

This has got to be some kind of world record for

bad timing. I begged Mom to let me stay home

and go to the party, but she wouldn’t budge,

even after I promised I’d go to Uncle Gary’s

next wedding.

Mom said I can’t skip it, because I’m in the

wedding party and I can’t let Uncle Gary down.

179

The thing is, I’ve been in Uncle Gary’s wedding

party every single time, and I’ll tell you exactly

how THAT’S gonna go.

Uncle Gary’s gonna ask me to be a “reader.” Adults

always pick a kid to read something from the Old

Testament at weddings because everyone thinks it’s

cute when the kid can’t pronounce the names.

I knew Mom wasn’t gonna change her mind, so I

didn’t spend a lot of time trying to fight it. I

just went up to my room and called Rowley.

and then

ezekiel said to

zede-…zedy-

…zekid-…wha?

how

darling!

180

I told Rowley I couldn’t go to the party so

he couldn’t really go, either. I explained that it

wouldn’t be fair for him to go while I was stuck

at my uncle’s wedding.

But Rowley said he’s practically a grown-up now

and he can make his OWN decisions, so he’s going

to the party no matter what.

I got so mad that I hung up the phone. Now

do you see what I mean about Rowley? That’s

just the kind of selfish move that makes me glad

we aren’t friends anymore.

Yesterday my family piled into the car and drove

down to Gammie’s for Uncle Gary’s wedding. I was

in a really bad mood because of the whole party

thing, and because of something else, too.

Saturday

181

I remembered that I’m supposed to get “the

Talk” from Gammie this weekend, and I am

seriously not in the mood for a lecture right now.

The last lecture I got was from Dad’s brother

Uncle Joe, who told me that since I’m in middle

school I need to start thinking about my “future.”

Uncle Joe drew up a chart that showed me

everything I need to do between now and the end

of high school to increase my chances of getting

into a good college and landing a job after that.

So basically Dad and Uncle Joe have the next ten

years of my life planned out for me.

Anyway, I was thinking about all this, but then

something happened that snapped me out of my

bad mood.

182

Mom called Gammie to tell her we were running

a little late because we had to stop to pick up

my tuxedo.

THAT got my attention. I’ve never had to wear

a tuxedo for any of Uncle Gary’s other weddings,

and that could only mean one thing: I’m one of

the GROOMSMEN.

The night before the wedding, the groomsmen

throw the guy who’s getting married a really wild

party. I’ve seen enough cable TV to know that’s

something I definitely want to be a part of.

183

I actually felt a little bad for Rodrick, because

that meant he got passed over. But I figure I

could take some pictures of the party so he could

see everything he missed.

Mostly, though, I felt happy, because while

Rowley’s at some lame middle school party, I’m

gonna be riding in a limo and having the time of my

life. So we’ll see who’s a “man” after this weekend.

And as a bonus, at the wedding I’ll be paired up

with one of the bridesmaids. I’m just crossing my

fingers that Sonja has some cute friends.

On the way to Gammie’s house, Mom made me

promise that I wouldn’t wipe away my relatives’

kisses, because she says it’s “rude.”

184

But I can’t really help it. When some aunt or

cousin gives me a wet kiss on my cheek, I start

thinking about the bacteria multiplying on my face,

and I get all twitchy. The last time we went to

Gammie’s, I brought some of those antibacterial

wipes with me to take care of the problem.

But I promised Mom I wouldn’t wipe any kisses

this time around. And I shouldn’t have even

done that, because the first person to greet us

was Aunt Dorothy, who always kisses me full on

the lips.

Wipe

wipe

185

As soon as I was out of Mom’s sight, though, I

went straight for the first thing I could find to

wipe my face.

Most of the family was already at Gammie’s house

by the time we got there. It would take me

forever to describe every single person who was

there, so I’ll just stick with the highlights.

My cousin Benjy was there with his parents, Aunt

Patricia and Uncle Tony. The last time I saw

Benjy, he could only say two things—

scrub

scrub

no!

shut

up!

186

Benjy can speak in full sentences now, and his

parents say he’s reading chapter books. But I

wouldn’t be bragging if my son could read and still

wasn’t potty trained.

Great Uncle Arthur was in the den, sitting in

the recliner in front of the tv. I don’t think

I’ve ever had an actual conversation with Great

Uncle Arthur, because all he does is grunt and

make these random sounds. He stayed with us one

Thanksgiving weekend, and it was like that the

whole time.

muuurp.

187

I can’t tell if he’s trying to communicate or what,

but every once in a while I respond, just in case.

Great Aunt Reba was there, too, which kind of

surprised me.

A few years ago Gammie invited everyone to her

house on Christmas, but she accidentally forgot

to send an invitation to Great Aunt Reba. She

showed up anyway, but she refused to take off

her coat, and she just sat there in the living

room, making us all feel guilty.

rrup?

umm… no

thank you.

188

Dad’s second cousin Terrence was there, and the

only reason I mention him is because everyone

always says I look EXACTLY like he did when

he was my age, which is really depressing.

In fact, when I first heard that, I looked

through Gammie’s photo album to see if it was

true. And unfortunately, it was.

what’s

new, greg?

189

So I guess I’d better start saving up my money

for plastic surgery.

Dad’s cousin Byron was there, and I wasn’t too

excited to see him, either. At the last family

reunion, Gammie sent Byron out to get milk and

I rode with him. But he hit a pothole and got a

flat tire about half a mile from the house.

Byron told me to go to the house and get help,

and on my way back it started raining. When I

walked through the front door, all the ladies in

the kitchen started yelling at me for tracking

mud on the floor.

190

They told me to take my shoes off and put them

in the mudroom, which I did. But all that yelling

must’ve rattled me, because I forgot all about

Byron’s flat tire. And when he came back to the

house a half hour later, he wasn’t too happy.

Uncle Charlie was there, and I was really glad to

see him because he’s always got his pockets stuffed

with candy for us kids.

191

But I didn’t always like Uncle Charlie, because he

used to tease me when I was little. I used to have

this pair of red footie pajamas, and every time

Uncle Charlie saw me, he’d say the same thing—

For some reason it really got under my skin. I

told Mom how I felt, and she took me to the

store to get some new pajamas, which were blue.

So the next time I saw Uncle Charlie, I knew I

had him beat.

hey there,

red!

192

But it only took him about three seconds to give

me a NEW nickname.

The only person who DIDN’T show up to Gammie’s

was Uncle Lawrence, but that wasn’t really a big

surprise. Uncle Lawrence is always traveling, and

he almost never comes to family gatherings. But

sometimes he makes an appearance by webcam, like

he did at Great Grandpa Chester’s funeral.

whattya

say, blue?

sniff

193

The last people to arrive were Uncle Gary and his

fiancee, Sonja. She seemed nice enough, and I

guess they’re pretty crazy about each other from

the way they were acting.

Unfortunately, I had to sit right next to them

at the dinner table and find out firsthand.

Dad told us on the way down that Sonja was kind

of sensitive about the fact that Uncle Gary was

married before, so we shouldn’t bring it up.

Apparently, Sonja told Uncle Gary that he was

gonna have to get the tattoo on his left arm

removed because it had his last wife’s name on it.

kiss

smooch

194

But I guess it costs a lot of money to get a

tattoo removed, so Uncle Gary just added some

extra words instead.

Lydia

i am not

in love with

Lydia

anymore

195

At least Sonja didn’t make Uncle Gary change the

tattoo on his OTHER arm. That’s the one he got

after he ate the three-pound Monstrilla Burger

at Dan’s Diner in one sitting. And you have to

admit, that’s pretty impressive.

Like I said, just about everyone in the family

showed up, and even though Gammie has a big

house, some people had to share a room.

Whenever we stay at Gammie’s, I always get

grouped with the people Gammie calls “the

Bachelors,” which means every male who’s not

married yet.

I ATE

THE

monstrilla

burger

196

This is not a group I’m real eager to share a

room with, ESPECIALLY since there are only

two beds in Gammie’s guest room. That means some

of us have to double up and the rest have to sleep

on the floor.

the bachelors

man, your

feet are

cold!

197

Uncle John used to be one of the Bachelors,

but he got married last spring. I’m starting to

wonder if maybe he got married just so he wouldn’t

have to sleep in there with the rest of us.

It was hard falling asleep with all those people

snoring away in the same room with me, so

eventually I picked up my stuff and looked for

somewhere else to spend the night.

ahhh…

zzzzzz

tick

tock

drag

198

The only place I could find was the bathroom

next to Gammie’s room, so I put my blanket and

pillow in the tub and made myself a bed. It wasn’t

comfortable, but at least I had some privacy.

Luckily, when Gammie came in this morning for her

bath, I woke up in the nick of time.

After that near disaster, I was up for the day.

And it was a really long day, too, because the

rehearsal dinner wasn’t until 7:00 at night.

But at least I knew I had the party with the

groomsmen to look forward to after that.

i’m in here!

i’m in here!!!

yank

untie

untie

199

The problem with these family gatherings is that

they’re not really geared toward kids. So if you

don’t like to drink tea and gossip with the ladies,

you’re sort of out of luck.

And everything in Gammie’s house is old-person

stuff, so there’s nothing for a kid to entertain

himself with. I complained to Mom a few years

ago, and she bought some Legos to keep at

Gammie’s house. But Gammie glued them together

in one big block because she didn’t like the little

pieces all over the place.

200

Besides that, there’s not a whole lot for a kid

to enjoy at Gammie’s. She DOES have some hard

candy in a jar on her mantel, and last year I

had a few pieces. But the candy tasted AWFUL.

It was really chewy, like bubble gum.

I ended up getting really sick and had to lie

down on the couch for a few hours.

It turns out the candy in that jar is REALLY old.

chew

chew

groaan…

201

In fact, Dad said that same candy was there

when HE was a little kid. And he even found a

picture in Gammie’s photo album to prove it.

Speaking of pictures, Gammie really needs to update

the ones she’s got on her mantel. She has a photo

of every single person in the family, and the one

of me and Rodrick is from when we went to Santa’s

Village about eight years ago.

I keep meaning to throw that picture away when

no one’s looking, because that’s just the kind of

thing that’ll crop up when they do my celebrity

biography later on.

Little Frankie

enjoys a sweet

202

All the furniture in Gammie’s house is old, too,

and apparently it’s really valuable. I’m sure there’s

gonna be a big fight over who gets what once

Gammie passes away. In fact, people have already

started putting sticky notes on the furniture to

get a head start.

Season’s Greetings

Mary

Donna

Peg

203

Sunday

I think that’s pretty disrespectful to Gammie.

But I admit there are one or two items I’m

hoping to snag for myself.

During the wedding rehearsal last night, I kept

thinking Uncle Gary was gonna take me aside and

tell me where the bachelor party was gonna be,

but it didn’t happen.

Then I looked at the wedding program and saw

my name at the bottom.

Ring Bearer/Flower Boy ………. Manny Heffley

Assistant Flower Boy …………. Greg Heffley

Please, no flash photography in the church.

Greg

204

I tried to get out of it and turn my assistant

flower boy duties over to Benjy, but Mom said

he was a reader this year, and besides, me and

Manny had matching white tuxedos.

So while Rowley was having a blast at Jordan

Jury’s party, I was holding a basket filled

with rose petals for Manny. And I noticed

Rodrick was taking a bunch of pictures, so I’d

be surprised if he hasn’t already uploaded them

by now.

After the wedding ceremony, we went into the

hall where the food was being served.

Flash

Toss

205

But before we started eating, Uncle Gary’s best

man, Leonard, stood up and gave a toast.

Leonard said he had a really funny story about

Uncle Gary and Sonja from when they were dating

and he wanted to share it with everyone. He said

that a couple of months ago, Uncle Gary took

Sonja to a baseball game, and he was planning on

breaking up with her because he wanted to start

dating her sister instead.

But before Uncle Gary could have the breakup

talk with Sonja, a plane flew across the sky with

a banner behind it.

marry me sonja?

206

Leonard said there must’ve been some OTHER guy

in the stadium with a girlfriend named Sonja. But

Uncle Gary’s Sonja reacted before he had a chance

to say anything.

Leonard said Uncle Gary wanted to explain that

it was all just a misunderstanding, but he was too

afraid that the guys in the seats around them

might beat him up if he let Sonja down. So Uncle

Gary decided to go along with it. At first I

thought Leonard’s story was just a joke, but Uncle

Gary wasn’t exactly jumping out of his chair to say

it wasn’t true.

yes!

yes!

heh

heh!

207

Anyway, I have a feeling we’ll be back next year

for Uncle Gary’s FIFTH wedding.

After the reception, our family went back to

Gammie’s house to get changed. I was gathering

up my stuff when Dad walked into the room and

said Gammie wanted to talk to me. At first I

couldn’t figure out why Gammie wanted to speak to

me in private, but then I realized I was about to

get “the Talk.”

When I walked down the hallway to Gammie’s

sitting room, I was a little nervous, but I was

also kind of excited. Gammie’s been around the

block about a million times, and I figured she’s got

a lot of wisdom stored up. And to be honest with

you, these days I could really use some.

208

I walked in and shut the door behind me. Gammie

was sitting in a fancy chair, so I sat across from

her. Once I got settled, Gammie started talking.

Gammie told me that most kids my age are in a

big rush to grow up but that if I was smart,

I’d enjoy the ride while it lasts.

Now, I’ve heard this same speech from Mom

and Dad about a billion times, so I was kind of

disappointed by where this was all heading.

But Gammie wasn’t finished. She said I was

getting ready to enter “the Awkward Years” and

that my lips were gonna get all puffy and my skin

was gonna get bad and my head was gonna look

too big for my body until my junior or senior year

of high school.

209

Then she said I shouldn’t let anyone take my

picture for the next few years, because I’d regret

it if I did. She told me she gave the same advice

to people like Dad and Uncle Gary and Uncle Joe,

but they didn’t listen to her.

But Gammie STILL wasn’t done. She told me that

getting older is no walk in the park and that

getting to be her age REALLY stinks.

Then she started talking about “hemorrhoids” and

“shingles” and a bunch of other stuff I’d never

heard of before. I guess she could tell I was

confused, so she started rolling down a sock to

show me what she was talking about.

uncle

gary

uncle

joe

dad

210

That’s when I excused myself and quickly left the

room. I’m glad I got out of there before Gammie

decided to take off any more clothes.

A half hour later we packed up our things, got

in the car, and headed home. I was just happy

the weekend was over. I love my relatives and

all, but there’s only so much family togetherness

I can take.

It was a drag going back to school today,

because it seemed like everyone went to Jordan

Jury’s party, and of course that was all anyone

wanted to talk about.

roll

roll

hey! poopy

diaper here!

Monday

211

Walking through the older kids’ hallway was

the WORST.

I’m actually kind of glad I didn’t go. I found

out the reason Jordan invited kids in my grade

was to basically use them as servants.

you remember

the mustard?

and the

sprinklers?

and the baby

pool and the

chocolate

syrup?

ha ha ha

ha ha!

can we at

least dip our

feet in?

no, but you

can go get us

some more

sodas!

har har

har!

Tonight on the news they announced the

winner of the Peachy Breeze Kid contest, and

unfortunately I didn’t get picked. But I do

know the kid who DID.

It was Scotty Douglas, who lives right down the

street. Don’t ask me why they picked him, because

he couldn’t even get the slogan right in the audition.

But the people at Peachy Breeze should’ve done

their research, because if they saw Scotty’s older

brother, they might’ve thought twice.

peachy

bweeze

is willy

neat.

lick

213

Last night Mom said now that her first semester

of school is over, she’s going to put her academic

career “on hold” for a while and spend more time

with the family. I can’t tell you how happy I

was to hear that. I’m glad things will finally be

getting back to normal around here.

In fact, that’s been the whole problem this year.

There’s been a lot of change all of a sudden, and

I really liked things the way they were BEFORE.

People like Dad and Uncle Joe have been getting

on my case to act more responsible and start

getting serious about my future. But the truth is,

I think I’m more of an Uncle Gary kind of guy.

good to

have you

back!

dump

214

Tuesday

I guess I’m just not in a big rush to grow up

right now. And after Gammie showed me what’s in

store over the next few years, I think I’m gonna

take her advice and hang on as long as I can.

Speaking of things getting back to normal, I

decided it was time for me and Rowley to put

the past couple of months behind us and get our

friendship back on track.

Me and him have a really long history together,

and there’s no point in throwing that away over

something dumb.

wooo-

hoooo!

215

And to be honest with you, I can’t even

remember what we were fighting about.

So after school today I went up to Rowley’s

house to see if he wanted to hang out. He was so

happy to see me that it was kind of embarrassing.

Rowley asked me if we’d be “best friends forever,”

and he gave me half of this matching locket he’s

always tried to get me to wear.

BEST

FRIENDS

216

I told him I wasn’t gonna wear the locket,

because it’s meant for girls. But really, it’s that

“forever” word that makes me nervous. I told him

maybe we could just take it one month at a time,

and he seemed pretty satisfied with that.

I’ll say one thing, though. Rowley must’ve grown

a full inch and a half since the summer, so who

KNOWS how tall this kid is gonna be.

I figure it’s a good idea for me to stick with him,

at least until we get to high school. Because if he

keeps growing at this rate, Rowley’s gonna be a

good person to have at my side.

were you

saying

something,

fellas?

rowwley…

angry!!!

217

Table of Contents

Cover

Letter to Kindle Readers

Cover Page

Book List

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

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Acknowledgments

Back Cover