JUNE

Friday

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my years

of being a kid, it’s that you have ZERO control

over your own life.

Ever since school let out, I haven’t had anything

I’ve needed to DO or anywhere I’ve needed to

BE. As long as the air-conditioning was working

and the TV remote had batteries in it, I was all

set for a relaxing summer vacation.

But then, out of the blue, THIS happened—

PACK YOUR BAGS.

WE’RE GOING ON

A ROAD TRIP!

This isn’t the FIRST time Mom has sprung a trip

on us without any warning. Last year on the first

day of summer, she said we were going upstate

for a few days to visit Aunt Loretta at the

nursing home.

It wasn’t exactly my idea of a fun way to kick

off the summer. One time when we visited Aunt

Loretta, her roommate grabbed me and wouldn’t let

go until a staffer gave her a chocolate chip muffin.

But Mom was just bluffing about going to the

nursing home. At breakfast the next morning, she

told us where we were REALLY going.

HAPPENINGS

STAFF ONLY

2

Me and my brother Rodrick were happy, because

we were both dreading spending the first week

of summer vacation playing shuffleboard at a

nursing home.

But when my little brother, Manny, heard about

the change in plans, he totally LOST it. Mom

had talked up the Aunt Loretta trip so much

that Manny was actually EXCITED about going.

WE’RE GOING

TO DISNEY

WORLD!

3

We ended up POSTPONING our trip to Disney

so we could visit Aunt Loretta. You’d think Mom

would’ve learned her lesson about surprise trips

after THAT one.

I know EXACTLY where this road trip idea

came from, because the new issue of “Family Frolic”

magazine came in the mail today.

If I had to guess, I’d say 90% of everything

we do as a family comes from ideas Mom gets from

that magazine. And when I saw the latest issue,

I knew it was gonna get Mom’s wheels turning.

SLIDE

4

I've flipped through “Family Frolic” a few times,

and I have to admit, the pictures always make

everything look like a lot of fun.

Family Frolic

ADVENTURE AWAITS!

TAKE THE ULTIMATE ROAD TRIP!

Your Perfect

FAMILY

BARBECUE!

Summer’s here and it’s time

to break out the grill and fill

the cooler with drinks. What

better way to celebrate the

sunshine than with a good

old-fashioned barbecue?

Follow out tips for a day

you and your family won’t

soon forget!

But there must be something wrong with OUR

family, because we can never measure up to the

ones they show in the magazine.

I guess Mom’s not giving up, though. She said

this road trip is gonna be awesome and that

spending a lot of time together in the car will be

a “bonding” experience for the whole family.

I tried to talk her into letting us do something

NORMAL, like going to a water park for the

day, but Mom didn’t want to hear it.

#$%#

$#?@!!!

BUZZ

BUZZ

SPLOOSH

6

She said the whole point of this trip is to do

things we’ve never done before and to have

“authentic” experiences.

I thought Mom would’ve looped Dad in about her

road trip idea, but apparently I was wrong.

Because when he got home from work, he seemed

just as surprised as us kids.

Dad told Mom it was a bad time to be away from

work and he didn’t want to use his vacation days

unless he absolutely HAD to. But Mom said there’s

nothing more important than spending time with

your family.

7

Then Dad told Mom he was really hoping to get

his BOAT out on the water this weekend, and if

we went on a road trip, he wouldn’t be able to.

Mom and Dad get along pretty well in general,

but the one thing that’s guaranteed to cause a

fight between them is Dad’s boat.

A few years ago, Mom sent Dad out to get some

milk, but along the way he spotted a boat for sale

in someone’s front yard. And before you knew it,

the boat was in our driveway.

Mom was mad that Dad didn’t check with her

first, because having a boat is a ton of work.

8

But Dad said it was always his dream to own a

boat and that we could spend every weekend out

on the water as a family.

So Dad got to KEEP the boat, and he seemed

really happy. But things went downhill fast.

A few days later, some people from the

Homeowners’ Association knocked on our door.

9

They said there were rules in our neighborhood

against having a boat parked in front of your

house and told Dad he had to move it to the back.

The boat sat in the backyard for the whole

summer because Dad was too busy and didn’t have

time to use it. Then, in the fall, one of Dad’s

coworkers told him he’d have to WINTERIZE

the boat to protect it from the cold weather.

Dad found out it would cost more to winterize the

boat than it cost him to BUY it, so he decided

he’d take his chances. And sure enough, two

weeks later, when the temperature dropped below

freezing, a big crack appeared in the hull.

10

When it started to snow, Dad rolled the boat

under the back deck, and it sat there all winter.

In the spring, Mom started using it to store all

sorts of junk from the house.

The next summer, Dad decided he was gonna fix

the boat.

11

But when he went to pull it out from under the

deck, he discovered a family of raccoons living in

our old washing machine.

Dad called an exterminator to get rid of the

raccoons, but when he heard how much THAT was

gonna cost, he decided to take care of it himself.

By then Manny had heard about the baby

raccoons living in the washing machine, and Mom

had to step in.

HISSSSSSSS

SCREAMM!!!

12

The boat’s been sitting there ever since. I haven’t

heard any scurrying sounds coming from under the

deck for a while, so I’m guessing the raccoons

moved out.

Today, Mom told Dad he had the whole rest of

the summer to get his boat out on the water, and

he pretty much gave up after that.

Mom said we were gonna leave first thing in the

morning, so we needed to start packing for

the trip. She told everyone to bring the “bare

essentials” so we could fit everything in the minivan.

COO

13

But by the time we got all our stuff out in the

driveway, it was pretty clear we had a space problem.

Mom started going through everything and

sorting it into two piles — the things we needed

and the things we didn’t. Rodrick was pretty

disappointed when some of his “essentials” didn’t

make the cut.

14

Mom made me leave a bunch of small stuff behind,

which seemed pretty ridiculous considering that

Manny’s plastic potty was coming along for the ride.

Whenever we take a trip that’s longer than

fifteen minutes, Mom brings Manny's potty “just

in case.” But I get really uncomfortable whenever Manny uses it.

Mom wouldn’t let me and Rodrick take any

electronics on the trip, even though they barely

take up any space.

PUSSSHHHH!

15

She’s always saying kids these days don’t know

how to socialize because they’ve constantly got

their noses two inches from a screen.

But I’ll tell you this: When I have kids, I’m

gonna let them play with whatever kind of gadget

they WANT. If you ask me, electronics are the

key to family happiness.

Even after Mom went through every single item in

the driveway and cut out all the things we didn’t

need, there was STILL way too much to fit in

the van.

I suggested we rent one of those giant recreational

vehicles, because we could fit all our stuff in it and

have room to spare.

TAP

TAP

TAP

BLEEP BLIP

BLOOP

CLINK

BLEEP

BLURP

BLOP

16

The way I see it, if you want the whole family to

get along, everyone needs their own space. And

with one of those souped-up RVs, we could spend

WEEKS on the road without even bumping into

one another.

But Mom said RVs are too expensive and they

get terrible gas mileage, so that put an end to

that idea.

Rodrick said maybe we could get one of those

trailers you tow BEHIND the car, which sounded

smart to me.

ZZZZ

17

But it was pretty clear Rodrick was imagining

the trailer as a sort of mini-apartment for

HIMSELF, so that wasn’t gonna fly, either.

Then Dad rang in with his OWN idea. He said we

could solve the whole space issue by just putting

the stuff that didn’t fit in the van into the

BOAT, which we could tow behind us.

I think Mom realized there wasn’t really another

option, so she caved in. But getting the boat into

the driveway was easier said than done.

CHIPS

18

Not only did we have to take all the junk out of

the boat, but it turned out there was a TREE

growing through the bottom. It took three hours

to get the boat out from under the deck, and

let me just say Mom did not exactly go out of her

way to help.

After we got the boat into the driveway, Dad

patched up the hole in the bottom and the crack

in the hull with some duct tape.

I just hope we’re not going anywhere near water

on this trip, though.

SAW

SAW

19

Because as far as I know, the boat didn’t come

with any life preservers.

Even with the added space we got from the boat,

the minivan was still pretty full. I snuck my pillow

on board at the last second, because I decided I

was entitled to at least ONE luxury item.

I figured Rodrick would want to sit in the back

of the van, because whenever we go anywhere as a

family, he likes to stretch out and take a nap.

Every once in a while we’ll forget Rodrick is even

back there.

Saturday

20

This Easter, we made it halfway through church

before Mom realized Rodrick never made it out of

the van.

Back when we had a station wagon, me and

Rodrick used to sit in the way back TOGETHER,

in a seat that faced the rear window. But we got

in big trouble when we played a practical joke on

Mom and Dad that ended up getting us pulled

over by the police.

When we got in the van today, Rodrick offered

me the backseat.

KNOCK

KNOCK

KNOCK

ZZZZ

STOP

These

people

are

kidnapping

us!

21

I accepted before he could change his mind, but I

should’ve known his offer was too good to be true.

Before we pulled out of the driveway, Mom said

we were taking a “special guest” along for the

ride. For a second I was worried we were picking

someone ELSE up, because with all our stuff in

the van they’d have to sit on the ROOF.

But Mom opened her purse and pulled out a piece

of paper with a drawing on it.

PULL

22

The drawing was Flat Stanley, a character from a

book I read in second grade.

Flat Stanley is a boy who gets squashed by a

bulletin board that falls off his bedroom wall in

the middle of the night.

And when they pull the bulletin board off him,

he’s as thin as a piece of paper.

23

I thought it was pretty cool that Flat Stanley

could fold himself up and get mailed to his

grandma’s, or have his brother fly him like a kite.

But I’ll tell you this: If Flat Stanley had

a brother like RODRICK, I guarantee he

wouldn’t survive a whole day.

SCREAMMM!!!

SHREDDER

24

I really liked the book, but it kind of freaked me

out, too. One thing it did was give me a deathly

fear of bulletin boards.

In second grade, everyone in my class had to

color in a cutout of Flat Stanley and mail him to

a friend or relative who lived far away.

Then that person was supposed to take a picture

of Flat Stanley in front of something interesting

and mail him back with the photo.

I

PUPPIES

ARE YOU SURE

YOU DON’T WANT

THE BED? IT’S A

LOT MORE COMFY!

THAT’S OK,

YOU TAKE

IT!

25

My friend Rowley sent Flat Stanley to a bunch

of his relatives and got lots of cool pictures

back. Rowley even sent him to his uncle who lives

in Asia, and he took a picture of Flat Stanley in

front of the Great Wall of China.

Well, the first person Mom sent MY Flat Stanley

to was her cousin Stacey, who lives out in Seattle.

But she probably wasn’t the best choice.

Stacey is one of those people who hoard all sorts

of stuff, like newspapers and magazines, so Mom

should’ve known that once her cousin got her

hands on Flat Stanley he wasn’t coming back.

26

Today, Mom said she was gonna take photos

of our new Flat Stanley in front of all the cool

places we visit and then make a scrapbook of our

trip. And as soon as we got on the highway, she

started snapping pictures. But she was probably

a little too eager, because her first few pictures

weren’t exactly keepers.

STUFF

27

When Mom wasn’t taking pictures, Flat Stanley

was taped to the front air-conditioning vent.

All I can say is, he was having a lot better ride

than I was. The windows in the back of the van

don’t open, and the vents were blocked by all

our luggage, so I wasn’t getting ANY cold air.

What made me even MORE uncomfortable was the

fact that Mom was in control of the trip. Mom

always tries to make things about education, and

I knew she was gonna turn this experience into

one long lesson.

She’s been doing that ever since I was little. I

remember when I got scratched by Gramma’s cat

and Mom tried to turn it into a “teaching moment.”

C-A-T.

CAT!

28

Sure enough, a half hour into the trip today,

Mom started in with the educational stuff.

She had borrowed a bunch of CDs from the library

that teach Spanish, and said we’d use the long

stretches on the road to learn a new language as

a family.

Mom’s always saying that learning a foreign

language is the best thing you can do for your

brain. That might be true, but I think she should

leave the actual TEACHING to the schools.

¡HOLA!

LEARN TO

SPEAK

SPANISH

FLUENTLY

29

Mom decided it would be a good idea to expose me

to a foreign language early on, so when I was in

first grade, she would put the Spanish-speaking

channels on TV while we ate breakfast.

Mom would repeat whatever they said on the

television, but when SHE said the words they

came out a little bit different.

I ended up learning all sorts of phrases that

weren’t right. For example, the way you’re

SUPPOSED to say “What’s your name” in

Spanish is “Cómo te llamas.” Well, I know that

NOW because I learned it in my middle school

Spanish class.

TENGO

HAMBRE!

TANGO

HAMBURGERS!

30

But when I was little, Mom taught me that

“What’s your name” in Spanish is “Te amo,” which

ACTUALLY means “I love you.” I just wish

I had known that before I said it to a million

different people.

Today, Mom played the first two Spanish CDs,

but she got frustrated that no one seemed to be

paying attention. So she switched gears and said

we were gonna play a car game she read about in

her magazine.

JUAN’S

TE AMO.

TE AMO!

31

The game was called Alphabet Groceries, and you

play it like this: The first player has to name an

item you can get at the grocery store that starts

with the letter “A.” The next person has to come

up with an item that starts with “B,” and so on.

If a player CAN’T come up with an item that

starts with their letter, they’re out of the game.

Mom said I should go first, so I said “apple,”

which I guess was kind of an obvious choice.

Rodrick was up next, but he said he couldn’t come

up with any food that started with “B.”

I’m pretty sure he was lying to get out of having

to play the game, but with Rodrick, you never know.

HMMM...

32

When Rodrick got knocked out, the turn went to

Manny, who came up with his word right away.

Mom started clapping, but I pointed out that

“bapple” isn’t a real word. She said Manny is just

learning the alphabet and that we all need to

“encourage” him.

I quit in protest, and from then on it was only

Manny, Mom, and Dad playing. I really wished

my earplugs weren’t buried in my duffel bag under

a pile of suitcases, because the next hour and a

half was pretty painful.

BAPPLE!

ZAPPLE!

YAYYY!

33

All that talk of food was actually getting me kind

of hungry, and when I saw a sign for a drive-

through place at the next exit, I asked Mom if

we could pull over. But Mom said we wouldn’t be

stopping at any of THOSE kinds of restaurants,

because they don’t serve “real food.”

She said fast-food places lure kids in with cheap

plastic toys to trick them into eating sugar and

fat, and we weren’t gonna fall into that trap.

Mom said she had a MUCH better alternative and

handed me a lunch bag with my name on it.

Gregory

MOMMY MEAL

NUTRITIOUS

FOOD!

FUN

ACTIVITIES!

ALL MIXED UP

Unscramble the words to

find the wacky phrase!

MESUMR ELRIANGN

SI NFU!

TOO PUNNY

Q. Why did the

rabbit like

Watership Down?

A. It was a “hare-

raising” tale!

NAME THAT NOBEL PRIZE WINNER!

34

Mom said she got the Mommy Meal idea from

“Family Frolic,” which I guess should not have

come as a surprise.

Inside the bag was a tuna fish sandwich,

an orange, and a little carton of milk, plus

something wrapped in tinfoil.

Mom said I had to eat my fruit before I

unwrapped the tinfoil, because that was my “prize.”

But I wish I had just opened it right away,

because I wouldn’t have eaten the whole orange

if I’d known the prize was a pack of math

flash cards.

Rodrick got flash cards in HIS lunch, too, and

we could both see where this was headed. So before

Mom could turn the next hour of the trip into a

tutoring session, I pulled out one of the games

Mom had packed in a big tote bag.

35

The game I grabbed was called “I Must Confess,”

and when Mom saw it she got so excited she forgot

all about the flash cards.

I read the rules, which were pretty simple: One

person takes a card from the deck and reads it

out loud to everyone else.

If one of the players has done the thing that’s

written on the card, they earn a point. And the

first player to get ten points wins.

I was a little skeptical at first, but I have to

admit, the game was actually kind of FUN. I

learned a lot of things about Mom and Dad I

never knew before.

I Must Confess...

... I’VE MET A

FAMOUS PERSON.

36

I found out that Dad had a pet chameleon when

he was a kid and that Mom dyed her hair blond

once, which really surprised me.

Believe it or not, even RODRICK was getting

into the game. He got a point for being the only

person who’d ever slept out overnight for tickets

to a concert, and ANOTHER point for getting

a bug stuck in his ear, which I remember like it

was yesterday.

MEDICAL

WASTE

37

Dad and Rodrick were neck and neck with nine

points, and whoever scored next would win the

game. Mom seemed really happy everyone was

getting along and having fun.

Then she pulled a new card out of the deck and

read it.

I’m pretty sure Mom thought no one was gonna

get a point on that card, because she was already

reaching for the next one. But Rodrick started

acting like he had just won the lottery.

I MUST CONFESS

I’VE TOILET-PAPERED

A NEIGHBOR’S

HOUSE!

I WIN!

I WIN!

38

Mom thought Rodrick was lying to get a point,

but he told her it was TRUE. He said that a

few months ago, he and his bandmates toilet-

papered Mrs. Tuttle’s house next door after she

called the police to complain they were making too

much noise rehearsing.

Rodrick thought the whole thing was pretty

funny, but Mom didn’t seem amused.

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT:

YOU AND TWO OF YOUR

BANDMATES TOILET-

PAPERED AN ELDERLY

WOMAN’S HOUSE?

39

If I was Rodrick, I would’ve changed my story

real quick and said I was just joking around to

win the game. But Rodrick didn’t seize his chance

to bail out.

Mom had Dad pull over to the side of the road,

then handed Rodrick her phone and made him call

Mrs. Tuttle to apologize, which was awkward for

everyone in the car.

After that, it was quiet in the van for a long

time. Mom was about to pop the next Spanish CD

in the stereo, but luckily Manny had fallen asleep

by then, so she couldn’t.

NO, THERE

WERE FOUR

OF US!

I’M SORRY FOR

TOILET-PAPERING

YOUR HOUSE...

...MA’AM.

40

If you wake Manny up in the middle of one of

his naps, he’ll go completely ballistic, and there’s

NO calming him down. So whenever Manny falls

asleep, Mom and Dad do everything they can to

KEEP him that way.

I was big on naps when I was Manny’s age, too.

I used to take an hour-long nap after lunch

every day, and when I started preschool, we had

an official nap time where everyone pulled out a

mat and slept on the floor.

HEY, HAS

ANYONE

SEEN MY—

SHHHHHHH!!!

ZZZZ

ZZZZ

AHHHHH!

ZZZZ

ZZZZ

ZZZZ

41

If you ask me, I think they should give kids nap

time all the way through college. But they stop

doing it after preschool, which I found out the

HARD way.

On the first day of kindergarten, after we had our

snacks, I asked the teacher where the mats were,

so we could lie down and recharge our batteries.

But she said kindergartners don’t HAVE nap time,

and I thought she was just making a funny joke.

YEAH,

RIGHT!

42

A few minutes later the whole class was making

paper bag puppets. Apparently, I was the only

one who didn’t get the heads-up about the no-nap

thing, because for the rest of the day everyone

else seemed fine, while I could barely function.

I’m glad Mom remembered to bring a pacifier on

the trip, because as long as Manny’s got one stuck

in his mouth, he can sleep through just about

anything. Manny lost his favorite pacifier last

night, but Dad ran out to get a new one at a

store near our house that sells gag gifts.

TRUDGE

TRUDGE

43

I guess it looks a little strange, but it works

just as well as a regular one.

Manny had been sleeping peacefully for about an

hour today when we stopped at a tollbooth. Dad

rolled down his window to get a ticket, and the

guy in the booth had such a loud voice he sounded

like he was speaking through a MEGAPHONE.

SUCK

SUCK

SUCK

HOPE Y’ALL ARE

HAVIN’ AN

AWESOME DAY!

CARS   $1.00

TRUCKS $1.50

BUSES $3.00

44

Manny started to fuss, and his pacifier came

halfway out of his mouth. But luckily Rodrick

reacted quickly, and Manny fell back asleep.

I think Mom was a little frustrated that Manny

was napping in the first place. She had marked a

bunch of places on her map where she wanted us

to stop and get out for some sightseeing, but now

we had to keep driving.

The problem I had with Manny’s nap was that I

really needed to get out of the car and stretch,

but I COULDN’T.

SPLOOK

ZZZZ

45

I tried to make myself comfortable, but with all

the stuff piled around me, it was impossible.

Luckily, my backpack was in arm’s reach behind my

seat, because it had some books and other things

I’d brought to entertain myself.

Mom’s always trying to get me to read stuff

that’s “enriching,” but when it comes to books,

I know what I like. And ever since elementary

school, my favorite books have been the ones in

the Underpants Bandits series.

The Underpants Bandits books are about these

two kids named Bryce and Brody who go back in

time and steal underwear from famous people so

they can put the underpants in a museum.

46

I know that sounds kind of ridiculous, but the

books are actually pretty funny.

Underpants

Bandits

By Mik

Davies

SWIPE!

And just as Van Gogh returned to

his masterpiece, Bryce snatched

the painter’s favorite pair of

boxers, which, thank goodness,

were clean.

47

The books are super popular with boys at my

school, but the teachers HATE them because of

all the “rude humor.”

Whenever a book report was due in fifth grade,

all the boys in my class did theirs on one of the

Underpants Bandits books. And that made my

teacher, Mrs. Terry, hate them even MORE.

Our class had a project where we had to write a

letter to our favorite author, and of course all

the boys chose Mik Davies.

Underpants

Bandits and

Shakespeare’s

Skivvies

Luke Howells

Underpants

Bandits

and

Napoleon’s

Britches

Matt Trask

48

But Mrs. Terry said we had to pick someone

ELSE, so I grabbed a random book from the

library and wrote my letter to an author I’d

never even heard of before.

March 30th

Dear Nathaniel,

My teacher made us write to an author,

so I picked you. I have not read any of

your books (no offense).

Here are my questions for you:

1. What’s your favorite color?

2. What’s your favorite animal?

3. What’s your favorite flavor of ice

cream?

4. What’s your favorite super-hero

movie?

I would appreciate it if you could

answer me soon, because I am getting

graded on this.

Sincerely,

Greg Heffley

49

But I probably should’ve checked the year the

book was written before I wrote my letter.

Most PARENTS don’t like the Underpants

Bandits books, either.

May 20th

Dear Mr. Heffley,

We regret to inform you that the

author to whom you have written,

Mr. Hawthorne, passed away more

than a century ago.

As such, he will not be able to

respond to your questions.

With regrets,

Katrina Welker

Publisher

50

In fact, the PTA had a meeting that year

where they decided parents’ tax dollars shouldn’t

be used to purchase any of the Underpants

Bandits books for the library.

When we came back to school from spring break,

all of the Underpants Bandits books in the library

were GONE.

I hope these adults are happy when a whole

generation of boys grow up not knowing how to read.

UNDERPANTS

BANDITS

& Gandhi’s

Undergarments

SWIPE

By Mik

Davies

READ

51

When the school banned the Underpants Bandits

books, it just made them more popular than

EVER. Some boys snuck in copies from home and

passed them on to OTHER kids.

One kid even brought in a bootleg copy of an

Underpants Bandits book from Japan. I couldn’t

understand a word of it, but it was pretty easy

to figure out from the pictures what was going on.

I actually wrote to the author on my OWN just

to tell him how much I liked his series.

I’d never written a fan letter like that, and every

day when I got home from school, I ran to the

mailbox to see if Mik Davies had written me back.

August 18th

Dear Mr. Davies,

I’m just writing to tell you, don’t listen to

these people who say your books are

garbage, because they don’t know what

they’re talking about. I know a bunch

of kids (including me) who think your

books are great.

As far as the “rude humor” goes, I find

that stuff hilarious, so please don’t

change a thing. In fact, I would

encourage you to put MORE bodily

functions and things of that nature in

your books.

Sincerely,

Grey Heffley

53

I finally got a response almost a year later, and

I was really excited.

But when I read the letter, it was a HUGE

disappointment.

From THe Desk OF

Mik Davies

Dear friend,

Unfortunately, I get so much fan mail

that I’m not able to answer your letter

personally.

But I did want to tell you to be on the

lookout for “Underpants Bandits 24:

Lincoln’s Longjohns,” coming soon to

stores near you!

Lots of yuks,

Mik

UNDERPANTS

BanDiTs

&Lincoln’s

Longjohns

By Mik

Davies

54

I couldn’t believe I poured my heart out to this

guy and all I got back was an AD.

Even though that whole experience left a bad

taste in my mouth, I still like his books.

At least I get to read whatever I WANT this

summer. Rodrick’s school gave him a whole list for

required reading, and some of the books look like a

lot of work.

TOSS

Jane Eyre

Charlotte

Brontë

MOBY

DICK

Herman Melville

A Tale of

Two Cities

Charles Dickens

55

But Rodrick’s not much of a reader, so he rented

all the MOVIE versions of the books on his list.

Mom said it’s not smart to watch the movie

without reading the book, because they usually

change a lot of stuff. But Rodrick said as long as

he got the basic idea, he’d be fine.

I think his approach is gonna cause problems,

though. “The Lord of the Rings” is on his summer

reading list, but when he rented the movie, he

wasn’t careful about checking the title.

Lords

OF THE

RING

56

Rodrick watched the movie TWICE, and after

the second time he told Mom that whoever wrote

the book must be a genius. But I’m guessing

Rodrick’s teacher is gonna be pretty confused

when she reads his book report in September.

By the time I was done reading today, I really

needed to get out of the car to prevent my legs

from permanently cramping.

Manny was still asleep, but he had somehow turned

himself all the way upside down in his seat.

CHIPS

CRUNCH!

POUND!

SUCK

SUCK

SUCK

57

When Mom noticed, she told Dad maybe we should

stop driving for the day, so he pulled off at the

next exit.

I was really looking forward to eating a meal at a

decent restaurant, but Mom said we’re on a budget

and tonight we were gonna pick up our dinner at

a grocery store.

Dad found a supermarket a few miles from the

exit. But Mom was afraid that if the van stopped

moving, Manny would wake up and have a fit. So

Mom wrote out a shopping list for Rodrick and

gave him some money, then Dad drove real slow in

front of the entrance so Rodrick could hop out.

HOP

58

Dad had to circle the parking lot about ten times,

which wasn’t easy since we were towing a boat.

Eventually, Rodrick came out with a couple bags

of groceries. And from the looks of it, he picked

up some extra items for himself.

When Dad pulled the van around, Rodrick hopped

in. Then we started looking for a place to stay

for the night, but the selection in the area

wasn’t that great.

PEACHES

WATERMELON

SPECIAL

COLA

MOTEL

AIR

CONDITIONED

CHEEP

CHEEP

MOTEL

VACANCY

SLEEP TITE

CLEAN ROOMS

MOTEL

JACUZZI

POOL

A few of the motels had big signs that said

they had “Color TV,” which if you ask me is not

anything to brag about in this day and age.

Dad finally pulled over at a place with air-

conditioning and a pool, which sounded pretty

good to me, especially considering that I’d lost

about five pounds in sweat sitting in the backseat.

I haven’t stayed in a whole lot of motels, but if

I had to guess, I’d say we picked one on the

lower end of the spectrum.

The lobby smelled like mildew, and the carpet was

covered in weird stains.

RECEPTION

COLA

60

But everyone was too tired to get back in the car

and look for another place to stay.

We got the key to our room, and when we walked

in it reeked of smoke. There were little holes in

the comforter and pillows that I’m pretty sure

were cigarette burns.

Dad picked a towel off the floor, then dropped it

because it was WET.

Mom went back to the front desk and asked for

a different room, but the clerk said the motel was

full and that we’d gotten the last one.

61

Mom told her in that case we were gonna leave and

take our business to another motel. But the clerk

told her there was a twenty-four-hour cancellation

policy, so we couldn’t get our money back.

When Mom returned to the room, she said we were

gonna have to try and make the best of a bad

situation. Then she and Dad stripped the bed

down to the bare mattress.

CANCELLATION

POLICY

RECEPTION

PULL

YANK

62

Believe it or not, Manny slept through ALL of

this. Mom said that if he woke up now, he’d be

awake all night, so she was just gonna let him

sleep through till morning.

Mom put Manny down in the middle of the sofa

bed and pulled a blanket over him.

The rest of us were really hungry, so we emptied

out the groceries Rodrick bought. But it turned

out he didn’t buy ANYTHING on Mom’s list.

TUCK

TUCK

DUMP

63

Rodrick was supposed to get sandwich supplies,

orange juice, and stuff like that, but he just got

a bunch of things HE likes.

Mom was pretty upset that Rodrick didn’t get

a single thing on the list she gave him, but his

excuse was that he couldn’t read her handwriting.

Mom told him it wasn’t very smart to get cinnamon

rolls and a frozen pizza, since those things needed

an oven and we didn’t HAVE one.

COLA

PAPA PEPE’S

CHEEZ CURLZ

CINNAMON

ROLLS

Big

BUBBA

Big

BUBBA

Big

BUBBA

COLA

64

But Rodrick said we could MICROWAVE the

pizza. Then he put it inside the microwave oven to

prove it.

At least, Rodrick THOUGHT it was a microwave.

It was actually a SAFE. By the time he figured

that out, the pizza was locked inside.

Mom gave me what was left of her cash and said

to go down to the vending machine to get the

most nutritious stuff I could find.

BEEP

BEEP

BEEP

GRUNT!

65

And that’s how we ended up eating sugar wafers

and breath mints for dinner on the first night of

our road trip.

Last night we couldn’t watch TV or do anything

in the room because Manny was asleep on the

pullout sofa.

Mom wouldn’t even let us keep the light on, so

we all sat in the dark for a while until me and

Rodrick decided to go down to the pool to kill

some time.

Well, the sign outside the motel said there was a

pool, but there was no actual WATER in it.

CHEW

CHEW

CHEW

TOSS

Sunday

66

And it didn’t look like there HAD been for at

least five years.

There was a hot tub near the pool that DID have

water in it, but some family was already using it.

So me and Rodrick waited our turn.

NO

LIFEGUA

ON DUTY

NO

DIVING

5 FEET

15 MINUTE

LIMIT

67

Unfortunately, the family couldn’t take a hint

that we wanted to use the hot tub, so eventually

me and Rodrick just went back to the room.

The lights were still out, and Mom and Dad were

asleep on the mattress. I guess they must’ve been

pretty exhausted, because they were still wearing

all their clothes.

With Mom and Dad on the bed and Manny on the

sofa, it didn’t leave a lot of good sleep options for

me and Rodrick.

We checked the closet for a cot or an air mattress,

but there was nothing.

ZZZZZZZ

ZZZZZZ

68

Rodrick was one step ahead of me, though. He

gathered up the sofa cushions and made a bed for

himself on the floor. Five seconds later, he was

out cold.

I figured the closet was as good a place as any

for me to sleep, so I got some towels out of the

bathroom and laid them on the floor.

After lying there for a minute, I noticed a

TERRIBLE smell and thought a mouse must’ve

died in the vent or something.

ZZZZZZ

PAT

PAT

69

I tried covering my nose with a washcloth, but

that seemed to make the smell even WORSE.

It was hard enough trying to fall asleep under

those conditions, but then someone in the room

started SNORING. Luckily, I was prepared for

that. Mom and Dad BOTH snore, which is the

reason I thought ahead and brought earplugs on

the trip.

But it was so dark in the room I could only find

ONE in my duffel bag, so I had to try sleeping

with the earplug in my left ear and my other ear

pressed to the floor.

I did actually fall asleep for a few minutes, but

woke up to some kind of ruckus going on outside.

SNORE

70

When I looked out the peephole, I saw something

flash by, but I couldn’t tell what it was. So I

cracked open the door to see what was going on.

It turns out those kids from the hot tub had

gotten their hands on a cleaning cart and were

ramming it into a wall.

CRASH

WOO-HOO!!!

RUMBLE

RUMBLE

RUMBLE

71

I couldn’t BELIEVE these kids’ parents were

letting them run wild in the middle of the night,

so I stepped out of the room and went over to

give them a piece of my mind.

The littlest kid burst into tears and ran into his

room, and I didn’t feel bad for even one second.

But a minute later his door opened again, and his

FATHER came out.

72

I wasn’t about to get yelled at by a grown man

in his underwear, so I ran back to our room and

locked the door. Then I prayed with all my might

that the chain lock was strong enough to keep

him out.

I guess the kids’ dad didn’t see which door I

went into, because he knocked on the wrong one.

Then he pounded on the door right next to ours

before giving up and going back to his room.

Once the coast was clear, I hung a little sign on our

doorknob in case the guy decided to come BACK.

It was REALLY hard falling asleep after that,

because every time I heard someone outside the

door, I held my breath until they passed by.

Before I knew it, the sun was up and so was

Manny. Mom turned on the television, and

whenever Manny watches TV, he TALKS to it.

Do not

Disturb

74

I was a little annoyed with Manny blabbering

away, but I guess I can’t complain. I used to do

the same exact thing when I was younger.

One time when I was watching my favorite show,

the host asked a question.

WHAT

SOUND

DOES A

DUCKIE

MAKE?

QUACK!

QUACK!

BLINK

BLINK

WHAT SHOULD

I DRAW ON

THIS BOX?

I DON’T

KNOW…POLKA

DOTS?

75

I was just goofing around when I answered, but

the guy on TV actually RESPONDED.

I wish it never happened, though. Because for a

long time after that, I thought the people inside

the TV could hear everything I said.

OK, POLKA

DOTS IT IS!

AND HOW

ARE YOU

TODAY?

I COULD BE

BETTER. MY

BROTHER

RODRICK—

THAT’S

GREAT!

76

In fact, on my sixth birthday, Mom had to sit

me down and have a talk about the difference

between “imaginary” friends and “real” friends.

Once Manny got going in a conversation with his

favorite TV characters this morning, I knew

there was no point in trying to fall back asleep.

So I just got up for the day.

And when I did, I found out the source of

that awful smell. Rodrick had put his shoes in

the closet, and I had spent the whole night

breathing in his fumes.

HEY, DID YOU HAPPEN TO

SEE WHAT MY PARENTS

GOT ME? IT’S A BIKE,

ISN’T IT? BLINK ONCE IF

THE ANSWER IS YES!

77

But even WORSE was that the “washcloth” I

had used to block the smell was actually one of

Rodrick’s SOCKS.

Speaking of Rodrick, Manny’s conversation with

the TV didn’t bother him one little bit, because

he just slept right through all the noise.

CAN YOU

HOP LIKE

A FROG?

HOP!

HOP!

ZZZZ

78

Dad was getting a little restless waiting for

everyone to get going this morning. He’s one of

those guys who gets up every day at the crack of

dawn so he can arrive at his office early, and this

whole late-start thing wasn’t working for him.

Eventually, Mom made Rodrick get up and take

a shower. We went to a diner right next to the

motel for breakfast, then got back in the van.

Mom said that from now on we were all gonna be

on the same sleep schedule so we wouldn’t waste

any more time on our trip. But before she was even

done talking, Manny passed out in his car seat.

Mom’s big plan for the day was for us to go to a

country fair she read about in “Family Frolic.”

ZZZZZ

79

I’d never been to anything like that before, but

it looked like it was worth checking out.

The fair was a few hours away, so that meant me

being cramped in the backseat again, which was

starting to get old. Thankfully, after an hour,

Mom offered to switch places with me.

When I got up to the front seat, I couldn’t

believe how much ROOM there was.

HIGHWAY 1

130TH

ANNUAL

COUNTRY FAIR

#1

FOR

FAMILY FUN!

FOOD! CONTESTS! PRIZES!

80

And it wasn’t just all the space that was awesome.

I even had individual temperature settings and my

own cup holder.

I went to change the radio station, but Dad

stopped me. He said only the DRIVER gets to

pick the music. I didn’t think that was fair, but

I wasn’t gonna complain and risk getting sent to

the backseat.

AHHHH!

ZZZZZ

TAP

TAP

MY TRUCK IS BUSTED BUT

MY DOG HE LOVES ME

81

Dad’s music was pretty awful, but the view totally

made up for it.

When you’re in the back, you don’t have any sense

of what’s ahead. Sitting up front, I had a whole

new perspective and could almost see why Mom was

so gung ho about taking this road trip.

When we took the exit for the country fair, we

came to a stoplight. We were behind a minivan that

was the same exact model as ours, only purple.

The kids in the van looked kind of familiar. It

took me a second to realize they were the same

ones from last night.

FAIR

FAIRGROUNDS

NEXT LEFT

82

I hadn’t told Mom and Dad about the incident

with the kids and the cleaning cart, because I

was worried I wouldn’t come out looking too great.

And they definitely didn’t need to know about my

run-in with Mr. Beardo.

The kids in the purple van recognized me right

away, and started making obnoxious faces.

I wasn’t gonna just sit there and take it from

those little punks, so I made a face at THEM.

83

The skinny one made the same face back at ME,

and the second he did, the light turned green

and they accelerated. When their van lurched

forward, the little kid face-planted into the

back window.

Dad passed them on the left, and Mr. Beardo

got a real good look at me.

VROOM

SPLAT

ZOOM

84

Luckily, the parking lot for the fair was only a

few hundred feet up the road. Once we stopped,

I wanted to stay inside until I was sure we

weren’t being tailed by the purple van.

But it looked like we were in the clear. Manny

was still asleep in his car seat, so Mom said she’d

stay back with him and the rest of us could go

on ahead.

The fair was a LOT different than I thought

it was gonna be. I expected it to have a Ferris

wheel and a merry-go-round and stuff like that,

but instead there were a bunch of tents with farm

animals and booths with homemade food.

FAIR

PARKING

85

We were getting kind of hungry anyway, so we

went looking for something to eat.

They had corn dogs and fried dough and all the

stuff you’d expect at a big fair. But then they

had crazy things like deep-fried butter on a stick.

I was actually glad Mom was still in the van,

because I was pretty sure that kind of thing

didn’t qualify as “real food” in her book.

PORK BELLIES

CHEESY

ACON BOMBS

CHEW

CHEW

86

After about an hour of walking the fairgrounds,

Dad went back to the car to see if Manny was

awake yet, and he told me and Rodrick to go

explore on our own.

The two of us wandered around for a while until

we came across a tent where there was something

big going on.

It was a Foulest Footwear contest, and they

were offering a prize for whoever had the

nastiest shoe.

BUTTER

SLORK

SLURP

CHEW

CHEW

PAT

PAT

DEEP-FRIED

PB&J

BUTTER ON A STICK

87

There was a big line of people ready to submit

their entries.

I told Rodrick HE should enter, because if

ANYONE deserved to win this thing, it was him.

While we were waiting in line, me and Rodrick got

in an argument over who would get to keep the

prize. I said we should split it 50 – 50 because it

was my idea, but he said he should get the whole

thing because it was HIS shoe and he was the one

who made it stink.

FOULEST FOOTWEAR

CONTEST

88

Right before we got to the judging table, we

reached a compromise where I’d get 10% of the

prize as Rodrick’s agent.

Some of the other shoes looked a lot worse than

Rodrick’s, and I was losing confidence that he’d

win. But when the judges got to the smell test,

it was all over.

Rodrick won first prize, which turned out to be

a coupon for one deep-fried butter on a stick.

I told Rodrick he could have it all to himself,

because the thought of eating any more butter

made me feel a little nauseous.

JUDGES

89

Rodrick asked the judges for his shoe back, but

they said they were gonna send it on to the

national competition. So that left Rodrick walking

around with only one shoe. I decided to explore

the nearby stalls while Rodrick was polishing off

his stick of fried butter.

But I had a SERIOUSLY close call when I

turned a corner and almost ran smack into the

entire Beardo family. Luckily, I was able to duck

for cover just in time.

BUTTER

CHEW

CHOMP

BUTTER ON STICK

90

Now that I knew the Beardos were on the

fairgrounds, I was eager to get out of there.

I went to look for Rodrick, but he must’ve gone

back to the van. I decided to head there myself,

but on my way out I spotted the top of Mom’s

head in a crowd under one of the livestock tents.

People were packed shoulder to shoulder, and I

tried pushing my way through to get to where

Mom was.

But when I got halfway in, a big cheer went up.

HOORAY!!!

91

When I finally made it up to the front, I was

surprised to see Manny standing in the middle of

the crowd, holding a piece of paper.

Apparently, there was a contest to see who could

come the closest to guessing the weight of a hog,

and Manny got it exactly right.

The prize for guessing the hog’s weight was a real

live baby pig.

243.1

243.1

92

Mom explained to the judge that they’d just

entered the contest for fun and didn’t actually

WANT the pig.

But the people in the crowd seemed kind of

insulted and wouldn’t take no for an answer.

With all the commotion this was causing, I was

nervous the Beardo family was gonna come over

to the livestock tent to see what was going on.

Luckily, by then Mom seemed ready to get out of

there herself, and we made our way to the exit.

Dad was sitting in the van with the air-conditioning

cranked up, and when he saw Mom carrying a

pig, he was a little taken by surprise.

93

Mom filled Dad in on how Manny won the pig in

the contest, but he didn’t seem too thrilled with

the news.

Dad said we had no business owning a pig and

that we needed to take it back to the fair

immediately.

But Mom said it was too late, because the pig

had already “imprinted” on Manny.

94

Dad still wasn’t on board, though. He said a pig is

a “barn animal” and could be carrying all sorts of

parasites and whatnot. But Mom said a LOT of

people keep pigs as pets, and she’d heard they’re

just as smart as dogs.

Then Rodrick got in on the conversation. He

voted for KEEPING the pig because he said we

could get free bacon from it every morning, the

way you get eggs from a chicken.

So either he doesn’t understand how pigs work, or

he just wasn’t thinking it all the way through.

I was all in favor of keeping the pig if it meant

we could hurry up and get going.

95

I noticed a purple van parked a few spaces away

from ours, and I was nervous the Beardos would

show up any second.

Dad finally caved in. He said if we were gonna

keep the pig, it would have to ride in the boat.

But Mom said putting the pig in the boat was

“inhumane” and that we needed to find a place for

it in the van.

The thing is, there wasn’t anywhere to PUT

the pig in the van. We couldn’t just let it roam

free, and we couldn’t exactly strap it in with a

seat belt, either. So Mom emptied out the cooler

and put the pig in THERE.

Once that was settled, we finally pulled out of

the parking lot.

96

After we put a few miles between us and the fair,

I could finally breathe again.

But the pig started causing trouble right away.

By the time we got back on the highway, it had

tipped over the cooler and was rooting around in

one of the Mommy Meal bags.

I had to wrangle the pig back into the cooler,

and THIS time I strapped the seat belt across

it so it wouldn’t tip over.

Mom figured the pig was hungry, so she said we

needed to stop and get it some food. Her idea

was for us to go to a restaurant and then give

the pig our leftovers. That sounded like a good

deal to me, since it meant we’d actually get to

have a sit-down dinner.

SNUFFLE

GRUNT

SLORK

97

We found a place to eat a few miles away, and

Mom stayed back in the van with the pig while

the rest of us went inside. But when the waitress

saw that Rodrick was only wearing one shoe, she

said she couldn’t serve him.

Dad said me and Rodrick could take turns using

MY shoe. But I wish I hadn’t let Rodrick go

first, because he’s the world’s slowest eater.

OMELETS · PANCAKES

EGGS ANY STYLE

NO SHIRT

NO SHOES

NO SERVICE

POKE

POKE

CHEW

CHEW

POUND

POUND

POUND

98

When we got back in the van, we gave the pig our

leftover corn and vegetables, which it ate straight

out of the styrofoam container.

Mom started looking up places to stay for the

night on the GPS. She asked Rodrick to call a

hotel to see if they had any rooms available.They

did, but Rodrick blew it by getting too specific.

Mom found another place a few miles away, and

this time she did the talking.

The hotel was just after the tolls. A few hundred

feet from the exit, traffic came to a crawl.

THEY SAY,

“NO PIGS.”

99

That was a problem for me because I had two

big glasses of lemonade at the restaurant and

REALLY needed to use the bathroom.

I spotted a gas station up ahead and asked

Mom and Dad if I could hop out and use the

bathroom, then catch up with the car after I

was done.

Dad didn’t like the idea because he was worried

that by the time I got back, they might already

be through the tollbooth. By now it was pretty

obvious the pig needed to go, too, because it was

running in little circles inside the cooler.

Mom said I could use the bathroom at the gas

station as long as I brought the pig WITH me.

100

So I tucked it under my arm and ran across three

lanes of traffic to the gas station.

TOLL PLAZA

200 FEET

I tried the handle to the men’s room, but it was

locked. I waited for the person using it to come

OUT, but whoever was in there wasn’t in any

rush to wrap things up.

KNOCK

KNOCK

KNOCK

101

I was getting kind of desperate, so I tried

the handle to the women’s room, but THAT was

locked, too.

I ran back to the car, which had only moved

forward about five feet in the time I was gone.

When I told Mom that both bathrooms were

occupied, she said gas station bathrooms are

ALWAYS locked and that I had to ask the

ATTENDANT for the key.

So I ran BACK to the gas station and told

the guy at the desk I needed to use the

restroom in a hurry.

102

I’m not sure what I was expecting from a

gas station bathroom, but it was actually a lot

WORSE than I could’ve even imagined.

Let me just say it was pretty awkward using the

toilet with a farm animal staring right at me.

But the pig was even MORE embarrassed than

I was, because when it was the pig’s turn to go,

nothing happened.

103

After I gave the key back to the attendant,

I spotted our van just as it was about to go

through the tollbooth. So I sprinted all the way

across traffic to get to it in time.

But before I opened the door, I wish I had

noticed that the van didn’t have a BOAT

attached to it.

SCREAM!!!

OUR van was actually still a few cars back, and

by the time I got inside, the pig looked like he

was about to burst.

I guess Mom was right about pigs being smart,

because when I put him on Manny’s potty seat,

he knew EXACTLY what to do.

104

OINNKK!

Monday

When we pulled up to the hotel last night, I was

relieved that it looked a lot nicer than the place

we stayed the night BEFORE.

Mom and Dad weren’t taking any chances on

getting turned away at the desk because of the

pig, so we kept it in the cooler until we got into

our room.

SNUFFLE

GRUNT

105

I think Mom felt bad about the sleep situation at

the motel the first night, because this time she

rented TWO rooms so everyone would have a bed.

But I should’ve known there was a catch. Mom

said since she and Dad had Manny in THEIR

room, the pig was gonna have to stay in OURS.

I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with the

pig, so I tried putting it in our bathtub. But it

started whimpering the second I set it down.

WHIMPER

WHIMPER

106

I decided to let the pig loose in the bathroom,

but when I peeked inside a few minutes later, it

had made a TERRIBLE mess in there. And I’m

pretty sure it ate a bar of soap, too.

HICCUP

I let the pig free in the bedroom so I could keep

an eye on it, but the first thing it did was go

straight to the door connecting the two rooms.

SCRATCH

SCRATCH

SCRATCH

SCRATCH

107

Eventually, Dad got sick of all the noise and

opened the door to let the pig in.

I was so tired I fell asleep before my head hit

the pillow.

This morning I woke up to the sound of weird

noises coming from the foot of my bed. At first I

thought Rodrick had gotten up early, but then

I realized the sound was coming from the PIG.

GOBBLE

CHEW

CHOMP

108

It had somehow figured out how to open the

minibar door and was rooting through the candy

and other snacks inside.

I picked the pig up and put it in our bathtub,

then went next door to tell Mom and Dad what

happened. But it turned out the pig had raided

THEIR minibar, too.

Somehow it had even gotten into the DRINKS.

I counted at least three empty cans on the

floor, and don’t even ask me how a pig managed

to do THAT.

109

Dad went down to the front desk to tell them

our “pet” had gotten into the minibar and we

shouldn’t be charged for all the stuff it ate.

But the clerk told Dad we were gonna have to

pay for the stuff from the minibar, and on top

of THAT, there was a fifty-dollar penalty for

violating the hotel’s “no pet” policy.

After the final tally, the pig ended up costing us

more than the ROOMS did.

Mom was eager to get on the road, so she woke

Rodrick up and told him to get in the shower.

But I probably should’ve mentioned to him that

the pig was in the bathtub before he stepped in.

110

SCREAM!

PULL

When we got in the car, Dad was on the phone

with his office. Apparently, there was some sort

of emergency, and he was the only one who knew

how to take care of it.

Mom had planned a big day for us with lots of

stops, so she wasn’t happy that Dad had to deal

with a work situation. But we hit the road anyway,

and Dad talked on the phone while he drove.

111

Our first stop was a place that claimed to have

the largest piece of popcorn in the world, which

ended up not being that impressive. First of all,

it wasn’t a real piece of popcorn, it was a wood

carving, and second, it wasn’t even all that big.

When we got out of the car, Dad stayed back

on his call. The pig stayed, too, sleeping off the

drinks from the minibar.

Greetings from the home of the

WORLD’S LARGEST POPCORN KERNEL

Next we went to a place that’s supposedly “world

famous” because it has life-size carvings of all the

U.S. presidents in butter.

112

This time Mom made Dad get out of the van and

join us, but he stayed on the phone the whole time.

GIFT

SHOP

TOUCH

LICK

When we got back in the car, Mom let Dad know

it wasn’t OK for him to be missing out on “family

time.” Dad told her he just needed to deal with

one more work issue, and after it was taken care

of, he’d give us his full attention.

Dad said he was about to get a call from one of

his international clients and that when he DID, it

was really important for everyone to stay quiet so

it would seem like Dad was in the office.

113

It didn’t look like that was gonna be a big problem.

Manny was already down for his afternoon nap,

and the pig was still passed out in the cooler.

ZZZZ

ZZZZ

A few minutes later, Dad’s call came in. You could

tell by how loud the guy was talking that he was

upset. But Dad spoke in a real even tone, and his

client seemed to calm down.

The rest of us stayed as quiet as we could. But

then Rodrick got out one of his packs of bubble

gum and put all five pieces in his mouth and

started chewing it real loud.

Mom snapped her fingers to try and get him to

stop making so much noise.

114

But her finger snapping was actually LOUDER

than the gum chewing, which you could tell was

irritating Dad.

SNAP

SNAP

SNAP

ZZZZ

ZZZZ

Mom wanted Rodrick to get rid of his gum, so she

pressed the button to open the sunroof. But when

she DID, the sound of air blowing inside the van

was like a jet turbine.

WHOOSH

ZZZZ

ZZZZ

Mom realized she had made a mistake, so she

pressed the button to CLOSE the sunroof. But

before it shut all the way, Rodrick chucked his

gum through the opening.

115

The gum boomeranged right BACK and got stuck

in the gear track of the sunroof.

TOSS

Mom frantically pressed the “close” button, but

the sunroof was jammed open. At that moment,

the air rushing in from outside dislodged Flat

Stanley from the vent, and he went flying.

Dad was having a really hard time concentrating

on his call and was fumbling with the buttons to

try and shut the sunroof himself.

116

But now he didn’t have a hand on the wheel and

was steering with his KNEES.

ZZZZ

ZZZZ

PRESS

PRESS

Dad started drifting out of his lane, and the

driver of a huge tractor-trailer let us know it,

which made Dad drop his phone.

HONK

117

The horn also startled Manny, and his pacifier

popped out and onto the floor.

Manny was sucking air like he still had his pacifier

in his mouth, and I knew we had about ten

seconds to find it before he had a full-on tantrum.

THWUP

THWUP

THWUP

I spotted the pacifier on the floor in front of

me and tried to unfasten my seat belt so I could

reach it. But instead I accidentally unbuckled the

seat belt holding the COOLER in place.

Dad was trying to reach for his phone at the

same time, and he jerked the car to the left,

which made the cooler tip over.

DUMP

118

Now it was total chaos. The pig was loose, Manny

was crying, and Dad was cursing because he couldn’t

reach his phone.

But the main problem was the PIG. It was

going bananas, running around on the floor and

squealing like crazy. Everyone was trying to grab

it, but the pig was too slippery.

POP

SQUEAL!

Then, all of a sudden, the pig went quiet. And

when he popped back up, we knew why.

SUCK

SUCK

SUCK

119

I reached out real slowly and plucked Manny’s

pacifier out of the pig’s mouth. And that’s when

it BIT me.

SHRIEK!!!

CHOMP

I guess the pig decided this was its chance to

make a run for it. It hopped up on Manny’s seat

and tried to squeeze through the window, which

was open a crack.

WRIGGLE

SQUIRM

The pig managed to get its head and front legs

out the window and would’ve made it ALL the

way out if Mom hadn’t jumped over her seat and

grabbed its hind legs.

120

But when she lunged for the pig, she kicked a

button on the stereo, and now we had the Spanish

CD blaring at full volume.

POR FAVOR, HABLE

MÁS DESPACIO.

SQUEAL!

The whole time, Dad was swerving all over the

place. Eventually, Mom got the pig back inside

and closed Manny’s window. Dad managed to

pull the van over and turn off the stereo.

It was quiet in the car for a full minute while

everyone caught their breath. Dad was really mad

that we messed up his business call, and he let us

know it.

121

But he probably should’ve made sure his phone was

off first. Because when he put it to his ear, his

client was still on the other end.

Tuesday

After Dad’s work-call disaster yesterday, he and

Mom had a long talk outside the car. Then they

got back in, and we drove in silence for a while.

A half hour later we pulled into the parking lot

of a petting zoo. Mom opened the side door and

took the cooler with the pig in it out of the van.

ROLL

ROLL

ROLL

122

Mom went inside, and five minutes later she came

out with an empty cooler.

Personally, I wasn’t sad to see the pig go, but

Manny was a different story.

I’m not so sure Mom was doing the petting zoo

any favors by donating a pig that bites kids.

And speaking of which, my finger was really

KILLING me.

Dad said that the pig probably hadn’t had any

immunizations and might even have rabies, which

was NOT what I wanted to hear.

123

I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that when

a person gets bit by an animal, nothing good

comes of it. The LAST thing I need is to turn

into some kind of were-pig, because that could

really mess up my dating life.

THERE’S A

FULL MOON

TONIGHT!

Chez Henri

REALLY? I

HADN’T

EVEN

NOTICED!

SPROING

Mom took a look at my finger, and I could tell

she was a little worried. She said we should find

a doctor to check it out, which didn’t calm my

nerves any.

Mom tried to find an emergency-care place on

the GPS, but there was nothing within a fifty-

mile radius.

124

But she DID find a VETERINARIAN’S office

five minutes up the road.

She said a veterinarian would have the same stuff

as a regular doctor, but a vet could actually be

BETTER because they might know a thing or

two about pig bites.

I honestly thought Mom was joking around about

this veterinarian thing, but she was dead serious.

And a few minutes later we pulled into the

parking lot.

CHECK$

CA$HED

HERE!

VETERINARIAN

BOARDING +

GROOMING

OPEN

Mom talked to the receptionist at the front desk

while the rest of us waited on a bench.

125

A minute later Mom came back with a clipboard

and some paperwork to fill out.

All I can say is, I hope this stuff doesn’t get

filed on my permanent record, because if it crops

up later in life, it could be embarrassing.

Emergency Pet Care

Patient Registration

Pet’s name:

“Greg”

Owner’s name:

Susan Heffley

Species:

Human

Last vaccination:

January 12

History of worms?

Yes

No

as a toddler

Last rabies shot:

N/A

Spayed/Neutered?

Yes

No

126

Once Mom handed in the forms, the receptionist

told me I could sit with the other “patients” to

wait for the doctor.

You’d think I’d get some sort of priority because

I’m a human being, but I got put behind a gerbil

that had swallowed a cigarette and a cat that

got its face stuck in a yogurt container.

cough

cough

When we had our dog, Sweetie, Mom had to take

him to the vet a bunch of times for getting into

stuff he wasn’t supposed to eat. But the LAST

time she took him, she didn’t really need to.

Mom had found a bunch of empty cellophane

wrappers from a pack of whoopie pies in the laundry

room, and she figured Sweetie had eaten them.

127

Apparently, chocolate is like POISON to a

dog, so Mom rushed him to the vet to get his

stomach pumped.

When Mom brought Sweetie home from the vet,

she told me he had gotten into the whoopie pies.

I felt kind of bad, because I was the one who

ate them, not the dog.

And from what I’ve heard, getting your stomach

pumped isn’t a real pleasant experience.

I OWE

YOU ONE!

128

I feel like my visit to the vet was payback for

the whoopie pie incident, especially when the nurse

weighed me on the same scale they use for DOGS.

DOGGie POUNDS

The nurse took my temperature, too, and had

me hold the thermometer under my tongue for

thirty seconds.

When I got back to the waiting area, Rodrick

told me that when they take an ANIMAL’S

temperature, they stick the thermometer

somewhere ELSE, and they probably use the

same one for all their patients.

129

I was worried Rodrick might be right, but then

I realized this information was coming from a guy

who was eating gerbil pellets.

CRUNCH

CRUNCH

Twice while we were waiting at the vet’s, Manny

bolted out the front door, and both times Dad

grabbed him before he got too far. I think

Manny was pretty mad about us leaving his pig

at the petting zoo, and he was acting out.

CHECK$

CA$HED

HERE!

KICK

SQUIRM

BOARDING +

GROOMING

OPEN

When I was Manny’s age, I used to get mad at

Mom and Dad and try to run away all the time.

130

I remember once when we were in the changing

room at the pool and Mom was trying to make

me wear a bathing suit I didn’t like. I took off

running, but I wasn’t really thinking about where

I was GOING.

RODRICK used to run away a lot, too. When he

was in first grade, he’d take off every day at the

same time, but he’d come back home when Mom told

him his favorite TV show was on.

When Manny tried to run away a THIRD time

today, Mom bought a retractable leash at the

front desk to try and keep him under control.

STRAIN

Mom also got a bandage for Rodrick’s foot so we

could start going into restaurants as a family again.

Finally, the veterinarian was ready to see me, and

the nurse led us into the exam room. My palms

started getting sweaty, because I always get a

little nervous when it’s time to see the doctor.

132

I’m not a big fan of needles, and Mom knows

it. So whenever I need to get a flu shot or

something, Mom doesn’t tell me it’s coming.

And by the time I figure out what’s going on,

it’s too late.

HEY, IS THAT

A HOT-AIR

BALLOON?

WHERE?

But there weren’t any shots this time around.

Mom told the vet what had happened, and she

took a look at my finger.

The vet said there was nothing to worry about

since the pig’s teeth hadn’t broken the skin.

133

She put some antibacterial ointment on my finger

just to be safe and then sent me on my way.

DAB DAB

I gotta say, I was pretty impressed by the

whole veterinarian experience. The doctor was no-

nonsense and didn’t ambush me with any needles.

I figure when we get back home I might research

some veterinarians in our area. I’m not saying

I’m definitely going to make the switch, but I

do want to see what my options are.

After the vet’s, Dad spent some time trying to

get the gum out of the sunroof with a popsicle

stick. But it was too messy and eventually he

gave up.

134

Dad didn’t like not being able to close the sunroof,

so he drove around trying to find a mechanic who

could fix it. But nobody he talked to would do it

for under a hundred bucks.

So Dad went to a grocery store and bought some

cellophane and duct tape, and he fashioned his

OWN sunroof.

STRETCH

135

I think Dad was pretty proud of himself for

saving money on repairs, especially when it started

to rain and his homemade sunroof held up.

But after a while the cellophane started filling

with water and bugs.

SLOSH

Eventually, the whole thing gave way, and for

once I was glad to be sitting in the back.

SPLOOSH

136

We parked under an overpass and waited for the

rain to clear up while Manny and Rodrick changed

into some dry clothes.

The trip was a total disaster up to this point,

and even Mom was ready to admit it.

She said it probably wasn’t such a good idea to do

everything according to the magazine, and that

if we switched things up a little, maybe we could

turn the trip around.

WRING

137

Mom said that from then on, we’d go wherever

the road took us and we’d make decisions as a

FAMILY along the way. She said the rest of

the trip could be like those Choose Your Own

Adventure books.

I always liked those books, because on every page

you get to make a decision that changes the story.

MEOW

The ancient statue has a

priceless gem in its eye

socket. The inscription at

the base of the statue

reads STEAL FROM ME

AND PERISH. What do

you do?

If you pry the gem from

the statue, turn to page 40.

If you stop and pet the

kitten, turn to page 23.

93

The problem is, I never seem to make the choices

that get me to a happy ending.

138

In fact, it seems like no matter WHAT choice I

make, it’s always the WRONG one.

CRUM

BLE

When you step onto the

dais to pet the kitten, the

ground beneath you gives

way, opening into a deep

chasm.

You fall to the bottom and

die. Better luck next time!

The End

23

I wasn’t so sure about Mom’s new approach, but I

figured anything was an improvement as long as I

didn’t get bit by any more pigs.

After the rainstorm passed, we got back in the

car and gave Mom’s idea a try. When we reached

our first intersection, she asked everyone if we

should turn right or left or go straight.

139

So we held a vote. Me and Rodrick voted to turn

right, and that’s what we did. And when we got

to ANOTHER intersection, we voted again, and

this time we turned LEFT.

We drove into this little town that had two

restaurants, and after we voted, we went to one

that ended up having the best apple pie I’ve ever

tasted in my life. In fact, it was so good we

ordered a SECOND one.

140

Mom was really pleased with herself for coming up

with this new approach and said she was gonna

write in to “Family Frolic” and tell THEM about it.

The only person who WASN’T having a good

time was MANNY, who still seemed upset about

the pig. Mom kept the leash on him even while we

were eating, to make sure he didn’t try and run

away again.

After lunch, Mom asked me to take Manny to the

bathroom, which only had one toilet in it. So I

waited outside for him to do his business.

Manny was in there for a while, and I started to

wonder what was taking him so long.

141

I finally opened the door, and he was GONE.

Luckily, Dad saw Manny through the front

window of the restaurant and scooped him up

before it was too late. Because if it had been

another minute or two, who knows HOW far he

would’ve gotten.

142

We got back in the van and Mom strapped Manny

into his car seat. When we got to a stoplight,

everyone agreed that we should go left, and we

waited for the light to change.

When it turned green, Dad stepped on the gas,

but a car came out of nowhere and TOTALLY

ran the red light.

Dad laid on the horn, but the driver just kept

on going.

HONK

Then another car ran the light, and then

ANOTHER. It was like nobody even NOTICED

that the light was red.

143

Dad was getting pretty frustrated, and when he

saw a gap between two cars, he put the pedal to

the floor and hung a left.

SCREECH

We barely squeezed in front of the NEXT car,

which ALSO ran the light.

When I looked back at the car behind us, I

noticed something weird. There was a little flag on

either side of the hood.

144

Mom noticed the flags, too, and she got really

upset. She said the vehicles behind us were part of

a FUNERAL procession.

She explained that during a funeral, cars are

allowed to go through red lights on their way

from the church to the cemetery so they can all

stick together. And now we’d gone and cut off

the line of cars.

Dad was getting panicky that all the cars behind

our van were now following US, and he tried to

shake them off our tail by making a few quick turns.

TURN

145

It didn’t work, though. Dad said he was gonna

get back on the highway and try to lose the cars

THAT way, but Mom said the LEAST we could do

was lead the people behind us to the cemetery.

So Mom typed “cemetery” into the GPS, and

there was one just a few blocks away.

RESULTS FOR “CEMETERY”

QUIET MEADOWS

0.5

RESTFUL OVERLOOK

7.2

PEACEFUL VIEW

7.9

PLEASANT HILLS

9.3

We drove through the gates and parked along the

side of the path. Everyone who was following us

got out of their cars, but they seemed confused.

One look at the gravestones and it was clear what

had happened. Apparently, the GPS treats all

cemeteries the same, and it had taken us to a

PET cemetery.

146

Luckily, Dad got us out of there before things

got ugly.

SCREECH

After escaping with our lives from the pet

cemetery, everyone decided it would be best to

just pack it in for the night. So we found a

hotel a few miles away and got a room on the

seventh floor.

147

Dad wasn’t comfortable leaving all our stuff in

the van, since someone could get in through the

sunroof and steal whatever they wanted, so we

had to take EVERYTHING into the hotel.

This morning Mom wanted to keep going with

the Choose Your Own Adventure plan. I was

starting to wonder if it was such a great idea,

since it almost got us killed yesterday, but Mom

was sticking with it.

She grabbed a bunch of brochures from the front

desk and brought them to breakfast so we could

figure out what we wanted to do for the day.

148

CHOST

TOUR

DINO

PLAYPLACE

CONWAY

CAVERNS

There were actually TOO many options, and

nobody could agree on what to do.

Dad wanted to take an all-day guided tour of a

Civil War battlefield. Mom wanted to go to the

beach. And Rodrick wanted to go to the electric

guitar museum.

149

What looked like the most fun to ME was a place

called Soak Central. We went to a water park

LAST summer but got rained out, so I figured

this would make up for it.

SOAK

CENTRAL

But Mom read through the brochure and said Soak

Central looked “artificial” and that the whole

point of this trip was to AVOID places like that.

150

Since nobody could agree on anything, Mom said

she was making an “executive decision” and that

we were going to the beach. Dad didn’t complain,

because I’m sure he was thinking that if we were

going to the shore, he might actually get a

chance to use his BOAT.

I’m really not much of a beach person myself.

Whenever we go to one, we bring a blanket and

spread it out, then sit there for the whole day.

And you can’t really go anywhere, because you’re

worried someone will take your spot.

The last time we went to the beach, Dad brought

the tarp he uses to cover the boat so we’d have

more room for our family and all our stuff.

PAT

PAT

151

But the tarp was at LEAST twice the size of our

old blanket, and it took up a ton of space on

the beach.

Not to mention the fact that it’s made of

PLASTIC, so with the sun beating down, it

was like sitting in a frying pan.

It was ESPECIALLY embarrassing when the

rest of my family went to grab lunch on the

boardwalk and I had to hang back on the tarp

by myself to watch our stuff.

FAN

FAN

SPLOOSH

SSSS

BOUNCE

So I wasn’t real excited about going to the beach,

especially since I knew Dad had his boat tarp

with him.

The beach was a few hours’ drive away, so I

decided to take a nap until we got there. And

believe me, with all the junk piled up in the back

of the minivan, it wasn’t easy.

I woke up when the van slowed down. I thought

we were at the beach, but we hadn’t even gotten

to the bridge yet. It seemed like everyone had

the same idea WE did.

HONK

HONNK

BEEEEP

ZZZZZ

ZZZZZ

153

When we were about a quarter of a mile from

the bridge, I could tell Dad was starting to

get nervous.

He HATES bridges, because for some reason he

gets dizzy whenever he has to drive over one.

The bridge to the beach is one of those kinds

that’s really high above the water, and I’m sure

Dad wasn’t looking forward to being stuck on it

for the next half hour.

Mom told Rodrick HE could drive. So we pulled

over and everyone switched seats.

154

Dad took my place in the back so he wouldn’t see

the bridge out the front window, and I moved to

the middle row.

When Rodrick got in the driver’s seat, he took

advantage of Dad’s radio rule and blasted heavy

metal music. And I could tell that wasn’t helping

Dad’s nerves.

We were only going about three miles an hour.

It looked like we were gonna be stuck on the

bridge even longer than I expected, so I opened

the bag of cheese curls Rodrick bought at the

grocery store.

155

There was a seagull sitting on the bridge railing

next to our minivan, and it looked right at me.

I guess I kind of felt sorry for it, so I tossed

a cheese curl out of the sunroof. I have to say,

I was pretty impressed when the seagull caught

the thing in midair.

TOSS

CHOMP

156

I was about to throw it ANOTHER one, but

Mom stopped me.

She said seagulls are really aggressive, and giving

them “people food” is a bad idea.

She was right about the “aggressive” thing,

because two seconds later the seagull was on top

of the car, and you could tell it wanted more food.

I threw another one at it to try and make it

go away, but the seagull bobbled the cheese curl,

which fell right back into the car.

SQUAWK

POP

157

That’s when things got BAD.

The seagull hopped down INTO the car and ate

the cheese curl off the floor.

For a second, everyone was in a state of shock that

a seagull was in our van, and nobody moved a muscle.

The seagull squawked a few times and then tried

to fly back out the way it came in. But it missed

the opening by about two feet and smacked into

the roof.

DOINK

CHEW

CHEW

CHEW

158

Then it just went completely nuts, flying

around and crashing into the windows. Everyone

was in a total panic, and feathers and cheese

curls were everywhere.

Then the seagull got greedy and grabbed the bag

of cheese curls off the floor. But I snagged it

and held on for dear life. Everyone was yelling at

me to let go of the bag, but I wasn’t giving in.

SCREAM!

SCREECH!

SMACK

BONK

FLAP

FLAP

FLAP

159

Finally, the seagull beat me in our tug-of-war and

flew straight up through the sunroof, taking the

cheese curls with it. But the seagull didn’t get far

with the bag.

About three-quarters of the cheese curls ended

up BACK in the minivan, and from there it was a

total nightmare.

SLAM

THUMP

CRASH

THUNK

SMACK

WHOMP

160

A few of the seagulls flew up front, and Rodrick

got so freaked out he hit the gas. When the

birds finally cleared out and things settled down,

we had a whole NEW problem to deal with.

Believe it or not, the people in the car that we

rear-ended were actually pretty nice.

It was a man and his wife, and they seemed to

understand it was an accident. So they exchanged

insurance information with Dad, and the police

didn’t even need to get involved.

If anything GOOD came out of the accident, it

was that it got us out of going to the beach.

HISSSS

161

The BAD news was that now our van wouldn’t

start, and we had to wait an hour for a tow

truck to come.

All the traffic went down to one lane, and that

didn’t make us too popular with the people trying

to cross the bridge.

The guy at the auto repair shop said we cracked

the radiator and it was gonna take at least

four or five hours to fix it. That meant we

needed to find something to do for the rest of

the day.

BEEEP

HONK

162

When we stepped outside, I was pretty shocked

to find out we were only two blocks away from

Soak Central, which is where I wanted to go in

the FIRST place.

I BEGGED Mom to let us go there while we were

waiting for the van to get fixed.

She said she would rather we did something

“wholesome” like go to a local library, but this time

she was outvoted four to one.

SOAK

CENTRAL

163

So we walked to Soak Central and paid for tickets

at the gate. Then we got a locker and put in all

the stuff that we didn’t want to get wet.

We changed into our bathing suits and met outside

the restrooms. It was SUPER crowded, and

there was no way we were gonna find five lounge

chairs all together. We eventually found ONE

chair with a few broken straps, and dumped our

towels and the rest of our stuff on it.

DIG

DIG

DUMP

TOSS

164

Mom and Dad stayed back with Manny, so me

and Rodrick were on our own. But Mom said she

wanted the two of us to stick together.

We went to the giant wave pool first, but there

were about a BILLION people in it.

Rodrick suggested we play hide-and-seek, but

with all the people and rafts in the pool, I

knew it would be impossible for the seeker to find

the hider.

STRAIN

165

I said to make it FAIR, the hider couldn’t swim

underwater. I didn’t really trust Rodrick not to

cheat, but he came up with a way to make sure the

hider followed the rules.

Rodrick got a paper place mat from the snack bar

and said the hider had to keep it dry to prove he

didn’t go underwater. And I have to admit, I

was pretty impressed he came up with that all on

his own.

I volunteered to be the first hider and found a

spot at the far end of the pool where I knew

Rodrick would have trouble finding me.

SNACK

166

What I DIDN’T know was that Rodrick had

written something on the place mat before giving

it to me. Unfortunately, everyone AROUND me

noticed before I did.

What he wrote would’ve been bad enough on its

OWN, but the misspelled word somehow made it

WORSE.

I am not

waring a

bathing suit

167

And even MORE embarrassing was when the

lifeguard got down from her chair and told me I

had to get out of the pool.

When it comes to Rodrick, I’ve gotta learn never

to trust him. ESPECIALLY at water parks.

TWEET

SMILE!

CHEESE!

I was done with Rodrick after the place mat

thing and didn’t care if Mom said we needed to

stick together. I left him behind and went to a

waterslide by myself.

I hadn’t realized how long the line was until I

got halfway up the stairs. But by then a ton

of people were BEHIND me, and there was no

turning back. So I was packed in with these

people until I got to the top.

It was really hot, and people were starting to

get agitated by how slow the line was moving.

SMOOCH

169

Then the kid right behind me poked the lady in

FRONT of me in the butt with a pool noodle,

and she thought it was ME.

So then I had her BOYFRIEND to deal with.

I really didn’t want to get into a fight over

something like this, but luckily it didn’t come to

that. We were at the top of the stairs, and it was

time to go down the slide.

Unfortunately, the raft was a four-seater, which

made things pretty awkward on the ride down.

170

The slide emptied out into an area where there

were a ton of rafts, which was great because it

gave me a chance to hide from that woman and

her boyfriend. I went around the lazy river twice

to make sure I’d lost them.

I’d had enough with the water after that, so I

went back to our lounge chair to get my clothes.

SOAK

CENTRAL

SLOSH

171

But the chair was GONE, and all our stuff was

lying in a pile on the ground.

I found the rest of my family at the snack bar

getting lunch and told them what happened with

our lounge chair.

Mom said it wouldn’t be hard to figure out who

TOOK it because of the broken straps.

172

We spread out to look for it, and I searched the

area by the wave pool.

Sure enough, our lounge chair was there. But I

couldn’t BELIEVE who was SITTING in it.

I don’t know what the odds are of running into

the same people again and again, but this was

starting to get RIDICULOUS.

I figured it was best to just let the Beardos

HAVE our lounge chair and not make it into a

big deal. So when I caught back up with my

family, I pretended I didn’t have any luck

finding our chair.

173

By now our food was getting cold, and we still

didn’t have anywhere to eat. We eventually found

a place to sit behind the snack bar.

Everyone seemed ready to leave after that.

Mom asked for the key to the locker so she could

get our stuff. But I told her I didn’t HAVE it.

She said she had given me the key, but I turned

both pockets of my bathing suit inside out to

prove they were empty.

CHEW

SIP

CHEW

CHEW

LICK

174

I was pretty sure she’d given the key to

RODRICK, but he said HE didn’t have it, either.

Everybody searched themselves for the key, but

we all came up empty-handed. This was a HUGE

problem, because Mom and Dad’s cell phones and

wallets were in that locker, so we couldn’t leave

until we found it.

We went to an employee at the front counter and

told him we lost our key.

But when he asked what our locker number was,

none of us could remember. There were hundreds of

them, and they all looked exactly the same.

ADULTS : $25

CHILDREN : $20

175

He said the locker number was written on the key,

but of course THAT information wasn’t getting

us anywhere.

The guy said the only thing we could do was try

and FIND the key, so we split up and retraced

our steps across the water park.

Rodrick went to the wave pool where we played

hide-and-seek, and I went to the lazy river but

didn’t have any luck.

When we met back up, nobody had found the key.

Mom said maybe we accidentally threw it away

after we ate, so we dug through the trash near

where we sat.

176

Mom said we should all concentrate real hard and

try to remember which locker we put our stuff in,

and when I did, I could suddenly see it clearly in

my mind.

I told Mom, and we went straight to locker 929.

Sure enough, it was locked, and there was no key

in the door.

SHAKE

SHAKE

POKE

929

930

177

We went back to the guy at the counter to tell

him which locker was ours, but we had to wait a

long time before we could get his attention.

When we told him our locker number, he got out

the master key and walked over to number 929

with us. But by the time we got there, the key was

back in the slot and the locker was EMPTY.

ADULTS : $25

CHILDREN : $20

178

That meant someone had found our key and

STOLEN all our stuff.

Then I thought of ANOTHER possibility: When

the Beardos took our lounge chair, they must’ve

taken our KEY, too.

I decided to tell Mom and Dad all about the

Beardos and how they probably stole our stuff to

get some payback on me. Then I took them to

the area where I last saw them sitting.

But by the time we got there, they were GONE.

179

I was worried they might’ve already left the

park, so I ran to the front gate. And sure

enough, the purple van was pulling away.

I KNEW that family was bad news from the

beginning, but I never thought they were capable

of THEFT.

Dad used the phone at the front desk to call the

police, but the cops said that without a license

plate number it would be really hard to track down

our stolen stuff.

ZOOM

180

If there was any GOOD news about our situation,

it was that the key to the van wasn’t in the

locker, because it was back at the mechanic’s.

So we walked to the auto repair shop, where

the mechanic was getting ready to put in a new

radiator. He told Dad it was gonna cost almost

three hundred dollars, but Dad told him he

couldn’t pay because his wallet just got stolen.

Dad told the mechanic he’d mail him a check the

second we got home, but the guy said he couldn’t

take an “I.O.U.” He said what he COULD do

was put some sealant on the busted radiator,

which would last a day or two before it wore off.

181

But the mechanic said we’d have to run the heater

inside the van at full blast to keep the engine

from overheating. He said it might sound crazy,

but it actually works.

Mom and Dad talked it over and decided we should

just drive the van all the way home. We didn’t have

any money or a phone, but we DID have a full tank

of gas. Dad figured if we drove straight through,

we’d get back at about 3:00 in the morning.

Mom seemed pretty sad the trip was getting cut

short, but to be honest, I was kind of relieved.

When we got in the van, Dad turned up the heat

just like the mechanic told him to, and within

about thirty seconds it was a hundred degrees

inside the car.

182

Mom opened all the windows up front, but it was

like a FURNACE where I was sitting, since the

windows back there don’t open.

I told Mom I didn’t think I could make it all

the way home without dying of heatstroke, but

she said I’d be fine as long as I stayed hydrated.

Then she got two cases of water out of the boat

and brought them into the van.

FWOOSH

183

We headed out onto the highway, and I went

through four bottles of water in the first hour.

I tried to fall asleep to make the trip go faster,

but I got woken up when somebody started

honking their horn.

The people in the car next to us were waving their

arms and trying to get our attention.

When I looked behind us, I was surprised to see

that the tarp on the boat was loose and flapping

around in the wind.

And everything INSIDE the boat was flying OUT.

184

Cars were swerving left and right trying to

avoid our stuff flying through the air. By now,

Dad had seen what was going on in the rearview

mirror, and he pulled over to the side of the road.

We spent the next two hours walking down the

highway trying to recover all of our stuff. But we

had to give up when it got dark.

FLAP

FLAP

185

Once we got back to the van, we sorted through

the things we had collected. I’d say I found

about two-thirds of the clothes I’d packed for

the trip, but Mom said there were whole BAGS

that were missing.

What was REALLY gross was that a few of

the items we picked up weren’t even OURS.

Rodrick found a pair of underwear that was as

stiff as cardboard.

Once we got back in the car, Mom said we needed

to start thinking about eating. Rodrick wanted to

open the package of cinnamon rolls that was still

in the grocery bag, but Mom said they hadn’t been

refrigerated and he’d get sick if he ate them.

186

Mom used the GPS to try and find a place to

eat. But the only places that were open at that

hour were fast-food restaurants, and Mom

wasn’t happy about that.

We ended up pulling over at a rest stop along

the highway that had a fried chicken place. Since

we didn’t have any cash or credit cards, we had

to scrounge around on the floor of the car for

loose change.

We came up with three dollars and fifteen cents,

which I was pretty sure wasn’t even enough to

get a drumstick and a thigh.

Mom said maybe they had a value menu with less

expensive items, so we got out of the car and

walked to the restaurant.

187

But when we got to the entrance, the doors

were locked. We could see workers inside, but

apparently at that hour the only thing open

was the drive-through.

We got back in the car and tried to enter the

drive-through lane, but with the boat, it was

too tight a squeeze. So we had to repark and go

through on FOOT.

188

We stood next to the menu and waited for

someone to come on the speaker and take our

order, but no one did.

Dad said there must be some kind of sensor that

could detect the weight of a car, so we did our

best to trigger it.

Eventually, somebody inside noticed us and opened

the drive-through window.

JUMP

HOP

STOMP

STEP

STEP

189

Mom asked what we could get with the money we

had, and the cashier said we could buy a small box

of chicken nuggets and a biscuit.

So we got that, plus a handful of barbecue sauce

packets. Then we went back to the van and split

up the food five ways.

We drove for a half hour or so, but by now it was

pretty obvious we weren’t gonna make it all the

way home in one shot. So we were gonna have to

find a place to sleep.

We didn’t have any money for a hotel, so Mom

tried to find a campsite nearby.

190

The closest one was ten miles in the opposite

direction, though. Dad said we were just gonna

have to take the next exit, find a place where we

could park, and sleep in the car.

I was open to just about anything as long as we

could turn the heater off when we stopped.

But as soon as we took the exit, it was clear we’d

made a mistake.

First of all, the road wasn’t paved. There weren’t

any gas stations or stores or even any houses.

There were just trees on either side of the road,

and no streetlights.

We drove for a long time, but the road was

narrow and there wasn’t a good place to pull over.

I think everyone was getting pretty spooked,

and eventually Mom told Dad we should just get

back on the highway.

But Dad kept saying he was POSITIVE that

at any moment we were gonna find a good place

to stop.

The farther we went, though, the more nervous

Mom became, because now even the GPS didn’t

know where we were.

We saw some signs up ahead, and we all got

excited that maybe we were getting back to

civilization. But we were wrong.

192

Right at the moment when everyone’s nerves were

totally shot, there was a really loud noise.

Dad swerved off the road, and our car came to

a stop in the mud.

My ears were ringing, and I looked around to try

and figure out what had happened.

WARNING

HUNTING

AREA

BANG

193

I expected to see broken glass everywhere, but

the windows were intact, and there was some kind

of weird goo all over them.

Rodrick had the gooey stuff on the back of his

head, and he was TOTALLY freaking out.

I still didn’t know what was going on, but then

I looked in the grocery bag, which had shreds of

the cinnamon roll package inside.

The tube had EXPLODED because the bag was

sitting right on top of one of the heater vents.

194

But RODRICK didn’t know that yet. He had

uncooked cinnamon rolls all over the back of his

head, and he thought the dough was his BRAINS.

What upset Rodrick even MORE was when he saw

Manny licking the stuff off his fingers.

SCREAM!

SHRIEEEK!!!

LICK

195

Once Rodrick figured out what had happened

and calmed down, we cleaned up the inside of the

minivan with some paper towels.

Then Dad turned the car around and drove back

to the highway. At the next exit there was a

supermarket with an empty parking lot, so Dad

pulled in for the night.

We only had four reclining seats in the van and

five people, so Mom volunteered Dad to sleep in

the boat.

I know Dad was looking forward to using his boat

on this trip, but I’m guessing this was NOT what

he had in mind.

196

Wednesday

It took me a long time to fall asleep last night,

and I was woken up at about 6:00 in the morning

when the grocery store employees started arriving

for work.

By then the sun was up and it was already hot

in the car, plus we were all sticky and miserable

from sleeping in our clothes.

We walked over to the grocery store to see if

they’d let us use the bathroom to wash up, but

the manager said the store wouldn’t be open to

customers for another two hours.

RATTLE

RATTLE

RATTLE

197

When we were walking back to the car, Mom said

we could use Manny’s baby wipes to get cleaned up.

But then she realized she had accidentally locked

the keys inside the minivan.

There was HOPE, though. The sunroof was still

open, so Dad tried to FISH the keys out of the

cup holder.

SWING

198

After a lot of trying, he still couldn’t get the

right angle. It looked like we were out of

options at that point, but then Mom suggested

maybe MANNY could get the keys out.

So Dad lowered Manny through the sunroof by

his leash.

Once Manny was in the van, he took his sweet time.

First he went into the backseat and ate the two

barbecue sauce packets we had left. Then he dug

through my duffel bag and found a pack of Oreos

I’d been saving just in case.

POUND

POUND

POUND

GOBBLE

SMACK

199

Manny finally made his way to the front of the

car and got the keys, but instead of opening the

door to let us in, he started the engine.

Then he fiddled with the knob on the stereo until

he found a radio station he liked.

Mom and Dad were pounding on the windows,

trying to get Manny to open the door. But

then Manny put the car in DRIVE.

I think until then everyone had forgotten that

Manny had been trying to run away, because we

never would’ve made the mistake of letting him in

the van by himself if we had remembered.

THE ITSY-BITSY

SPIDER CLIMBED UP

THE WATERSPOUT

200

Luckily, Manny wasn’t tall enough to reach the

gas pedal, because if he could, he would’ve been

long gone.

I think Manny knew his escape plan was foiled,

at least for now. Mom finally convinced him to

unlock the doors and let us in.

Once we got going again, I started seeing some

familiar sights out the window, because we were

basically retracing our path back home.

We were coming up on the town where we spent the

first night of the trip, and when we passed by the

motel we’d stayed in, I saw the CRAZIEST thing.

SMASH

201

There was a purple van in the parking lot.

I told Dad, and he pulled over. We took a closer

look at the van, and sure enough, it was the one

that belonged to the Beardos.

That meant they were staying at THIS motel,

and were probably using Mom and Dad’s credit

cards to PAY for it.

We parked our car at the side of the building.

Dad said he was gonna call the cops, so he got

out to use the phone at the front desk.

202

But thirty seconds later Dad came running back

to the car.

He said he saw the Beardos leaving their room to

go down to the pool, and it looked like their door

was left open.

Mom said we should stick with the plan and call the

police, but Dad said that before we did, we should

do a little investigation of our OWN.

So we ALL got out and followed Dad to the

Beardos’ room. Just like he said, the door was

open a crack.

Dad nudged it open a little WIDER, and we

peeked inside to see if anything of ours was

sitting in plain view.

203

But we couldn’t see any of our stuff from where

we were standing.

Mom seemed pretty uneasy about what we were

doing, but then Dad pushed the door ALL the

way open, and there was no turning back.

TOSS

204

We couldn’t find anything of ours, so if the

Beardos DID have any of our stuff, they probably

carried it with them to the pool.

But as long as we had the run of their room, we

decided to take full advantage of it. I figured

it was OK since we were the ones paying for it.

I think Mom felt we were setting a bad example for

Manny, so she took him out to the car.

But the rest of us weren’t finished. Me and

Rodrick took turns using the bathroom while Dad

stood watch at the door.

Then he went in and told us to be lookouts for HIM.

AHHHH...

CHOMP

CHEW

SMACK

SPLASH

205

We had pushed our luck, though. The SECOND

Dad shut the door to the bathroom, I saw the

Beardos coming our way.

Now, I love my dad and all, but I’m too YOUNG

to die. So I bolted, and Rodrick was right

behind me.

I wasn’t there to SEE it, but I’m guessing it

was pretty awkward when Mr. Beardo opened his

bathroom door.

206

Me and Rodrick got in the van and locked the

doors. I was pretty convinced Dad wasn’t gonna

make it out of the room alive and we were just

gonna have to go on without him.

But Mom pulled the car around to the front of

the motel, and when she did, Dad burst out of

the Beardos’ room.

Somehow Dad had gotten the idea to grab their

car keys on his way out.

207

Before he got in our car he chucked the keys into

some bushes, which bought us some time.

I think we must’ve gotten two miles down the

road before Dad even bothered to pull his pants

back up.

We high-fived each other because we had escaped

with our lives. But in our rush to get away, we

forgot to turn on the HEATER.

And a few seconds later the RADIATOR

conked out.

TOSS

208

Mom had to cut across two lanes of traffic to get

the van into the breakdown lane. But in the spot

where we pulled over, there was a broken bottle,

and we rolled right over it.

We got out of the car so we could change the

tire. Dad opened the back hatch to find his jack,

but unfortunately I had taken it out before we

left for the trip to make room for my PILLOW.

The only thing we could do at that point was wait

for help to come.

SPUTTER

SHAKE

HISS

HISSSS

209

Eventually, a car pulled over behind us, but when

it got closer I knew we were in big trouble.

It was a purple van.

I figured the Beardos might try to ram us with

their car, so I braced for impact. But the van

slowed down, and when the doors opened, it

wasn’t the Beardos at ALL.

It was pretty obvious that whoever these guys

were, they were here to HELP.

ROLL

210

But they didn’t speak English, so we were having

trouble communicating with them. Mom and Dad

tried to act out what was wrong with the car, and

I’m sure the two guys thought my parents had

completely lost their minds.

Then Manny surprised EVERYONE by speaking

in perfect Spanish.

FLBBPT!

FRBBRP!

SBFTT!

GLBRF!

SALUDOS, AMIGOS.

GRACIAS POR PARAR

A AYUDARNOS.

211

The conversation between Manny and the two

guys lasted a long time, so I figured Manny

was explaining everything that had happened on

our trip.

He must’ve done a good job making the guys feel

sorry for us, because the next thing you knew,

they were offering us a RIDE. And I’m happy to

say their air-conditioning worked GREAT.

I think we assumed these guys were taking us to

a mechanic or something, but we were wrong.

TU CORAZÓN CANTA

PARA MI, MI AMOR

212

We should’ve realized that if MANNY was the one

doing all the talking, we’d end up going where HE

wanted to go.

Like I said before, Mom was right about pigs

being smart. She had it house-trained within a

week, and the pig even knows a few tricks already.

My only real complaint is that now I never get a

chance to watch my shows on TV, because the pig

has figured out how to use the remote.

Sunday

213

But I’m gonna let that go, because I don’t want

to get bit a second time.

It’s taken a while for everything to get back to

normal after the trip. Dad had to take a few

more days off work to cancel all his credit cards

and get new ones.

And tomorrow Mom and Dad are supposed to go

out and get new drivers’ licenses and phones.

WHAT SOUND

DOES A COW

MAKE?

OINK!

214

Our minivan’s been at the mechanic since it was

towed. We gave the BOAT to the drivers who

helped us out as a way of saying thanks, which

was actually Mom’s suggestion.

Mom’s been saying that even though our trip

didn’t go the way we planned, it was still an

adventure. She’s been working on an article to

send in to “Family Frolic” that I seriously hope

does NOT get published.

Mom’s also been making a scrapbook, and she asked

everyone to contribute a souvenir to put inside.

VROOM

TAPPITY

TAP

TAP

215

I was going through the clothes I wore on the

trip, and when I picked up my shorts, something

small fell out onto the floor.

It was the KEY from Soak Central.

I couldn’t believe I had the key all along. It

turns out I was wrong about the locker number.

But I should get SOME credit for being CLOSE.

Now that I have the key, I have a tough

decision to make. It feels like a page from one of

those Choose Your Own Adventure books.

292

216

I figure I have three basic choices: One, I

can tell Mom and Dad the truth and deal with

the consequences. Two, I can plant the key in

RODRICK’S dirty laundry and let HIM take

the blame. Or three, I can flush the key down the

toilet and forget this whole thing ever happened.

There’s a fourth option that involves the pig,

but I haven’t worked out the details of THAT

one yet.

But like I said before, whenever I have a

difficult choice to make, I always seem to pick

the wrong one. And whichever way I go here, it’s

hard to see this story having a happy ending.

FLUSH

217

Table of Contents

Title Page

Copyright Page

Dedication Page

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Acknowledgments

Back Cover